I really don't know what to do. I am on 26 days and I feel like I am about to fall. I have been peeking at things the past three days (risking getting caught again by my wife who sees covenent eyes reports). Nothing explicit, but enough to drive me crazy. By some miracle, I have not released. I am in huge turmoil. I can't focus on my work, I already feel the guilt of having "slipped" even though I didn't truly fall, I feel tired and anxious and angry. I really feel angry that I have to go through this. I know everything is Hashem and this is what He wants and I can beat this but I literally feel like I can't function without this. It's not fair. Years of pain, of struggle. Years. And I'm still stuck as ever. I guess I am screaming out for help. I don't know what to do. I want this more than anything. I can't fall back into my porn addiction. I want and have begun to break free. If the more experienced (and succesful) members here can please give some advice. I am at the end. I don't think I can do this. And I don't either think it is my fault. 

What are your goals in this struggle?

Oh and by the way, you can and you will, with G-D's help.

I want to stop hurting my wife. I want to stop the sneaking around, the pain she feels when I am caught. I the guilt and horrible shame I feel when I am caught. The double life I am living. The distraction from my work. I want to have a strong foundation for my avodas Hashem. To stop living in lowliness. To learn and daven in purity. To regain full attraction to me wife and focus only on her. I want to break free from the chains of the past. From this addiction and compulsion that I feel I cannot break free from but that will destroy me and my relationships if I don't stop it. 

And I know this all with absolute clarity. But somehow its just not enough to stop me, because the other hand is maybe just as bad. I can't function without it. Its my only excitement and comfort. I genuinely love the feeling. I adore it. I obsess over it. And why shouldn't I? There is no feeling like it, right? Its by far the most intense pleasure we can feel. And we are SURROUNDED by it on all sides, it follows me everytwhere. I feel powerless. I feel broken. I feel that I want to give in, that I want to end this miserable cycle and just acccept that I cannot do this. I honestly feel it is not my fault. Hashem knows that if I could choose, I would choose to throw this away every single time. When I a, "clean" I feel so free! I don't even think about it! But then the taivah starts again and I can not function anymore. I feel forced. I feel like its beyond my ability to control this. I am burning in that area. I can't focus. I feel like if I would just release i can have menuchas hanefesh and would save me from looking at more bad things and risking getting caught. I don't think it's fair I have to go through this. Everyone talks about the poor wives. I feel MUCH worse for the men. We suffer in ways they cant imagine. I can't open up to her becuase she wouldn't understand. I have gone through hell, for years. A constant cycle. Not chosen by me. I dealt with ssa which eventually stopped. Attraction to kids which completely went away. And now I am entrenched in porn. And I feel sorry for myself, angry at Hashem, and frustrated because the thing my life has come to depend on is assur, hurtful to my wife, and wrong for many reasons. So where does that leave me? Eternal suffering? Kaf hakelah? Maybe that's it, maybe this is hell? Because it certainly feels that way.  

You got this!!  I was in a similar situation a couple of weeks ago and posted a cry for help.  Some wonderful people responded with chizuk and I went for a jog to burn off some tension.  The feeling of lust passed.

The reality is, the "peeking" and "slips" will keep building your lust level.  It's such a hard thing to do, but you need to stop "teasing" yourself.  Perhaps the level of filter needs to be increased to block what your viewing, even though its not porn? 

Keep us updated.  You can do this.

Thanks for the chizuk dave. I have no time to go for a job, I am at a computer the whole day because of work. I have a strong filter, (CE) but there are always ways around it. And my wife has instagram on her phone, which (even thought I asked her multiple times) she does not filter or guard from me. So when she is in the shower.... 

I don't think more filtering is the answer. I am happy with where the filter situation is right now. Im basically all filtered up - although not filter will block women in bathing suits on the entire internet.... I think I need a shift in perspective. I need support from people who get my struggle and have broken free. So thanks for the support. It means so much. So far, so good today. Maybe I will make it?

TRAPPED wrote on 04 Aug 2020 13:08:

Since you are sitting in front of a computer all day, then you have the ability to listen to shiurim?  If yes, I highlyrecommend you listen to the series from Rabbi Shafier called "The Fight"  He provides very powerful perspectives on these struggles and will provide you will hope and chizuk.  Please do yourself a favor and listen to it.  It saved me during my darkest moments in my struggles.

Unfortunately not. But i appreciate the recommendation! Will try to check it out. 

Dear Trapped: One thing I know for sure is, THAT YOU WILL NOT DIE if you hold yourself back from acting out!! I CAN PROMISE YOU WILL NOT DIE! and until death, you can do anything! anything is possible! yes, it is!

Thanks, but death isn't the only thing i am worried about. I think not acting out and falling and getting back up and going through this horrific cycle a million times is a miserable way to live. More miserable than being a porn addict against your will or ability to control. 

TRAPPED wrote on 04 Aug 2020 14:02:

I am not saying that you are only worried about death, I am just saying that untill your last breath you HAVE the ability to choose. And since your such a holy Yid and you started your journey with specific goals, YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO KEEP FIGHTING. Remind yourself about what made you start the journy and keep your eyes on the road ahead. Keep your feet on the gas, do not break. You are moving forward. Just keep going. Hashem will give you a hand. You just keep moving!! We are all so proud of you!! 

If you want to change your perspective, you definitely should listen to The Fight (download here: https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/). But you also must must must read The Battle of the Generation (download here: https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation). The entire premise of the book is that by changing your perspective, the battle becomes much easier.

Hatzlocho

I just want to reiterate what Dave wrote. You feel that by "peeking" and picking little scraps of lust you are "calming yourself down" but in reality that is what is making it so unbearable. These little taste just what you insatiable appetite and you start craving more and more explicit items. Just as the GYE handbook says: If one wants to eradicate lust he must stop viewing even basic Hollywood movies due to attractive women. Every taste makes us obsess more and want more even need more! If you completely disassociate yourself from lust then and only then you will have a chance of not feeling like you are climbing a downward escalator. 

                                 Grant