OK I'm back
Still challenging, still struggling, still fighting but now I once again feel like it's not worth falling again. 

So hard, sometimes feels like it's not worth fighting and sometimes feels like not worth having another fall under my belt. 
Fighting it out is a momentary pain while falling is a longer-term pain. 
So not much choice... 

3 days clean b"h 

Dear Grant,

I'm just going to write my feelings down so you can read them daily, and remind yourself of all your painful emotions you feel right now. I hope this will serve as a constant reminder of who you are and how you want to live every second of your life.

Please don't take this lightly, and don't rest assured in a false confidence of your security. You yourself know how many times you were complacent, yet the yetzer harah ambushed you with an unrequested test. He tempted you, exposed you or made you ridiculously "curious" about something. You unwittingly fell into his trap while being certain that you won't be tricked. Be cognizant of his sly and cunning tactics and stay on your toes always expecting  the sharp edge of his unsheathed sword against your neck.

Now let me address his methods and explain why they are faulty.

He makes it exciting and interesting but you know it is all a fantasy. The reality is not at all like that. He causes it to feel physically and mentally necessary, but nothing ever happened when you didn't respond. He wants you to focus solely on the desire without allowing room to understand the undesired outcome. Don't be fooled, the cons outweigh the pros by an incredible margin. When you tell yourself that something is harmless - and of course you won't go farther than this - it's your befuddled mind futilely attempting to think straight while under the influence of his harmful intoxication.

Focus on the consequences you suffered in the past. Yes, maybe a few minutes of dizzying pleasure, a moment of satiated curiosity, but followed by excruciating pain, guilt, tears, helplessness. Oh! Where was the expected bliss?

Remember the way you felt, disloyal to loved ones. How painful it was to look into your beloved eishes chayil's face and feel like someone she doesn't think you are or want you to be. The faces of your angelic children haunting your tainted and tortured soul. Oh! Where was the promised pleasure?


Recall every teffilah, each beracha, hours of learning the heilige torah hakdosha, was it satisfying knowing how you acted yesterday? Last week?  Last year?  How you corroded and corrupted your connection to your creator, filling potentially beautiful moments with jagged scars. Repaying good with evil, selfless giving with selfish indulgences. Oh! Where was the gleeful gratification?

What about your self respect. The way you turn into a gibbering fool at the slightest enticement. A man, now a child. A disciplined person now a mess. Ego smashed and pride all but lost. Oh! Where was the slated delights?

My dear Grant, please absorb all that I'm saying. I'm saying it out of pure unadulterated love. I'm pleading with you because I know your true abilities. I understand the person you really are and truthfully want to be. I know the man you can be. I know the man you will be!

Please take the time to review this heartfelt letter daily, and when faced with struggles. Constantly pray to your creator and ask for strength.

I know I can be helped, for I can help myself.

                                Sincerely,

                                   Grant