I don't even know where to start. Nothing works and I am completely powerless to defeat this sickness. I am so tired of trying to keep clean, yet failing time and time again. Hashem help me!!! This is day Zero. not much to post because I am covered in a thick coat of self-pity, disappointment, frustration - you name it, I am feeling it.

I need a few clean days to pull out of this feeling. So this will be my diary, where I'll bli neder put down my thoughts and feelings. Everything is backward - my habits, work ethic, family life, sleep routine. I don't even know where to start to get back on track. Everything seems so distant, so far away. I'm way behind on everything because of my addiction.

Ok that's it for now - maybe I'll post again in the evening or tomorrow Bezrat Hashem. Be well!

Shalom Aleichem Reb Yid,
Take a deep, relaxing breath. You're not alone, we're all in this together. There have been many like us on this site who have recovered and moved on to live wholesome, healthy lives; we'll get there also bez"H.
I feel you when you write "I need a few clean days to pull out of this feeling." I feel that way also, like I need a solid week between my last fall to start feeling human again. The truth is we don't. As Hashem Help Me says, when you have the right mindset there is no difference between day 1 and day 1000.
Personally, I'm trying mindfulness to help me get into that right mindset and deal with my porn and masturbation urges. Have you ever tried it? Feldheim just published a phenomenal book on Jewish Mindfulness. It might be k'dai for you to give it a read. Everyone relates to different things but I can share that personally it really helps me with my anxiety and feelings towards my urges and falls.
Hatzlocha!

Thank you so much for the kind words! It means a lot. Bli Neder, I will definitely take a look at that. I was recommended mindfulness in the past for anxiety that I suffered from, but once Hashem helped me deal with my anxiety, I kind of forgot about it. That is a great idea so thanks for sharing!

I am also trying to work on mindfulness but I don't really get it. I would love to hear advice on how it's really practiced.
Do you know the name of that book?

joeshmo wrote on 04 Jun 2020 10:43:

I read your post and I can relate to and join you on those feelings of self-pity, disappointment, and frustration around these issues. You wrote that you are "completely powerless to defeat this sickness." However, you are quite powerful at expressing what is going on inside for you. That is a gift. I wish you great hatzlacha.

joeshmo wrote on 04 Jun 2020 10:43:

You can try mindfulness but I'v found when I'm getting triggered It simply doesn't help me. I would tell you to start reading/listening to books/shiurim about wasting zerah ( https://gye.vids.io/ ) and more specifically The Fight by Rabbi Shafier ( https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/ ) so you can understand the principle of whats happening. Of course there's a lot more that I did but try this and see if you enjoy it and understand it. 

I'll be keeping an eye on this forum. Keep us posted! Hatzlacha!

starting wrote on 04 Jun 2020 14:21:

https://www.feldheim.com/mindfulness
Hatzlocha!

joeshmo wrote on 04 Jun 2020 10:43:


Hi
We feel your pain. You're going in the right direction.
I quoted some of your text which  actually touch on the first 3 steps of the 12 step program... see below:

Step one: "You need to  admit that you are powerless over lust ― and that your life has become unmanageable."
Step two: Come to believe that Hashem could restore you to sanity.
Step three: Make a firm decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of Hashem.

The steps begin with an intense self awareness and admission as to the root of the problem ― an inability to change the behavior through willpower alone, and acknowledging the consequences of my conduct (step one: man's relations to self).
Steps two and three transition to man's relationship with Hashem, first recognizing that the Creator of the Universe can in fact change my behavior (step two) if I take the requisite actions (step three). Simply put: "I can't. He can. I think I'll let Him."
Some erroneously argue that admitting powerlessness runs contrary to Judaism's characterization of free will ― "If I truly set my mind to something, I will be able to conquer any challenge."
The Talmud, however, tells us just the opposite. We are taught that a person's yezter hara (evil inclination) grows stronger and renews itself every day. And without Hashem’s help, we are powerless to overcome it. (Kidushin 30b)
A fundamental Jewish tenet is that everything is in the hands of Hashem except for fear of Heaven (Berachot 33b). The sole autonomy we possess in this world is perception (yireh)- - to see ourselves in relation to the Creator of the Universe, with the subsequent awe that results from that observation. We have the freedom of choice, but it's entirely up to Hashem to allow that choice to successfully develop into action.
The disease of addiction is nothing less than the yezter hara, the lower self, as it manifests in those people given this particular challenge in life. Without Hashem's help, we are truly powerless.

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 04 Jun 2020 16:25:

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement! 

Meyer M. wrote on 05 Jun 2020 12:32:

Thanks for the advice, I really do appreciate it! Although the problem with that is the fact that my Yetser Hara has become an expert at "Selective Memory". It's almost like a split personality. There is the good Joe who studies Torah and understands very well the impact acting-out causes to himself, his family and the world and then there's the other Joe, who is looking for the quick fix, regardless of who or what is standing in the way. To be honest, it makes no sense when trying to rationalize it, but that is the reality I live in.

Nevertheless, I will Bli Neder look into the book you mentioned, "The Fight by Rabbi Shafier", as I feel the best way to deal with this is to better understand my opponent, rather than fear my opponent.

DavidT wrote on 05 Jun 2020 13:14:

Thank you for this - I have forgotten this over time. I guess my only challenge with Step 3 is that I deal it is easier dais than done. "Yes, I want to turn my live over to Hashem", but what does this really mean? I guess I just need to read more into this, to better understand. but thanks and Shabbat Shalom!

First off, thank you all for the wonderful words of encouragement. I know I have a long battle ahead, but I'm stubborn (for good and for worse) and am not willing to give, no matter how many times I fall. Wrapping up day-1 - not much to enter. Feeling proud that I did not give in to other addictions (downloading and playing computer games), which always lead me down the rabbit hole of acting out (this is a whole other topic in its own right). I also surrender my lusts to Hashem and ask Hashem to be easy on me with the triggers and Nisyonot - I'm nowhere near as strong as the other veterans here. As I always say "Hashem, I have not given up on myself, so you please don't give up on me!" I wish us all a wonderful and holy Shabbat!

We're here for you. You got to really want it(sounds like you do) and put the work in to get there. Start building relationships with the people that have been there and done that(the veterans you speak of). Youll start to feel a sense of achrayis and accountability, which can be can go a long way. And build a plan of action. You cant go into battle without gameplan.... I mean you could, but you'll know how itll end up hehe.
Hatzlach and good shabbos! feel free to reach out. 

joeshmo wrote on 05 Jun 2020 14:54:

Beautiful tefilah. In the Monday/Thursday Tachanun of Nusach Ashkenaz there is the following:
​ובכל זאת שמך לא שכחנו, נא אל תשכחנו​
And even still we haven't forgotten Your name, please don't forsake us.

Your prayer reminded me of that and of the famous saying of Hillel.
​אם אין אני לי, מי לי

joeshmo wrote on 05 Jun 2020 14:25:

the simple answer to this is steps 4 to 11.

Your story sounds so textbook I feel like I'm reading AA!
I know it's sucky to be where you are, just know we've all been there.