So this is the first time ive ever tried going for 90 days! the most ive ever done since I became a teen is 40 days.I am 23. I need chizuk. Im wondering am I the only one has been masturbating since my early years without stop? how do most people deal with this nisayon. I have tried to stop over the years way too many times to count. Am I alone or can someone relate to my pain?

ready2stop wrote on 25 May 2020 05:52:

Hi ready2stop
Spend some time looking through some forum posts and you'll find out pretty quickly that not only are you not alone, but you're a very normal and good human being. Yes, the pain is great and many of us can relate to it. At the same time you'll learn that many people have found ways to heal and keep strong. There is no "on size fits all" solution for these issues but you'll learn some good pointers and with Hashem's help you'll find your unique solution of becoming a strong healthy eved Hashem. 

Keep in touch and keep us posted on your progress!  

Hey I'm 21 turning on 22 and I have had the issue since I was a teen, but bh i have had streaks of success(3 months here and there) 
It helps to think that there are short term and long term goals. Of course in the long run we wanna get rid of totally, but also cheshbon that every time you dont fall(or you delay falling) is a win. A HUGE win. The big thing about avodos hashem is that its not all or nothing. We should all be zoche to completely overcome it, but hashem knows the amount of effort you put into each battle and loves you for it. 

ready2stop wrote on 25 May 2020 05:52:

Welcome my friend. I am also in my 20s and have been masturbating since my teens, you are most definitely not alone-you are amongst family. The good news is you no longer have to carry this burden alone. We are here for you and all in this together. 
Welcome to the family!

You are not alone at all buddy. Many many many bochurim struggle with it. When I was single, 3 days was a superhuman accomplishment. 40 days?! As far as I was concerned that was impossible. 

You are also not alone in another respect. You are now on GYE in the company of a lot of great people that will iyh help you get better.

Hi ready2stop,

I am with you! I have also tried to stop many many times over many years. I fervently believe that Hashem treasures every "small" (huge!) victory regardless of (or perhaps especially because of!) how very many times you fall & continue to fall.

   I have been masturbating since age 13. I still struggle with it today at age 26 even though I'm B"H happily married & with a child. My worst was for a few months in 10th grade, I was masturbating 3+ times a day & more at night. I was up most & sometimes all of the night touching others private parts in their sleep, waiting out their sleep cycles for the times of deep sleep. (I am still really really mortified of myself about that) I was drinking 7-8 cups of coffee to attempt staying awake throughout the day (it didn't help ). I was feeling so awful about myself that I decided one day to commit suicide in order to escape the pain. Thirty seconds into holding my breath (which I later learnt wouldn't work, as you would pass out way before dying & resume breathing when your unconscious  ) I stretched out my hand and pulled out a random sefer to a random page and put my finger in middle of the page. These were the words: Rambam, Hilchos Daios, Perek Daled Halacha 19: 
שכבת זרע היא כח הגוף וחייו ומאור העינים וכל שתצא ביותר הגוף כלה וכחו כלה וחייו אובדים הוא שאמר שלמה בחכמתו אל תתן לנשים חילך. כל השטוף בבעילה זקנה קופצת עליו. וכחו תשש. ועיניו כהות. וריח רע נודף מפיו ומשחיו ושער ראשו וגבות עיניו וריסי עיניו נושרות ושער זקנו ושחיו ושער רגליו רבה שיניו נופלות והרבה כאבים חוץ מאלו באים עליו. אמרו חכמי הרופאים אחד מאלף מת בשאר חלאים והאלף מרוב התשמיש. לפיכך צריך אדם להזהר בדבר זה אם רצה לחיות בטובה.

   It hit me like a lightening bolt, I finally felt I had a reason why I was in such pain. I took it as a message of love & encouragement from Hashem.

In 11th grade I had a clean stretch of seven month. Though after that I fell back into the cycle of fantasy thoughts & masturbation, thought B"H it didn't involve anyone else B"H.

  Years later a shidduch was redt to me to which I said I wasn't interested in pursuing yet as I still wanted to learn in the Yeshiva I was in for some time. A few weeks later, I had a new low in my battle in inyanei kedusha. Until that point I had always stricly watched my eyes from females (It didn't occur to me at that point that there may be shmiras einayim regarding boys ) And I also had zero attraction to females, I had only struggled with male tayvos till then. Someone left a newspaper with dirty pictures of women in the bathroom & I looked & looked. I was devastated. To me this was a whole new low. I was very broken about it. I turned to Hashem & begged him "Please send back that Shidduch. I don't see how its possible, but you can do anything. (So that I'll have "pas bsalo".) Within a very short time the shadchen called my parents & told them an amazing thing: Reb Chaim Kanievsky Shlita had received a kvittel with some girls names for a bracha for shidduchim. He stopped at this girls name (the 1 who was redt to me) and said that the shadchen should go back & redt the shidduch again! (I heard that there have been numerous similar stories with R' Chaim in the recent years) To me it was an enormous source of chizuk, that Hashem still loves me & wants me to succeed. Sometimes when things are going really tough I think back to that loving caress from Hashem & draw the strength to keep going. Ultimately although getting married has helped, it hasn't taken away my struggle with machshavos or masterbation. I'm actually seeing a therapist now for this struggle among others.

May Hashem be with you & help you overcome & slaughter that evil nemesis of yours - the "melech zakon uksil" - finally & forever!

Love,

Swift Eagle

Swift Eagle wrote on 25 May 2020 15:59:

Masterpiece!

Wow thank you everyone especially hashemhelpme it felt good what you said. And swifteagle its so humbling to know that there are people who go through such hard tests and turn out ok and even better!
   That story with r chaim also really helps me because Ive always thought and still do to some extent, that I have a dark secret. That outwardly im shtark and frum and normal. But if peope would know the real me they would find that im a fake, not frum,(what does frum mean anyways? Everyone alwys does some aveiros) and most especially tainted or dirty in some way. i was always scared of going to big gedolim especially r chaim because he or they, would see and know the real me. that im dirty fake jew, and push me away.
   But ive been working on this more intensely and am realizing that it is so the opposite. Hashem loves me. he loves US.Because he created us. What we are doing is not rebelling. We would love to do the right things, but its so hard. And he knows its hard and loves us even more because of how hard we work to get closer to him. We are his royalty. We are his closest servants because we work so hard to push everything else away.  R chaim in this story is so clearly on your side. This helps me keep internalizing this.
   I am also interested to know if anyone feels likeme. That since ive always been involved with porn and masturbation, am I Iacking even basic yiras shamayim? Meaning, I really love to be close to hashem, but how can I say I have yras hashem when I would watch porn daily without caring at all? and after all these years ive grown so accustomed that I would be fooling myself to say I have yiras shmayim. 

Dear ready2stop,

First off, congratulations for making the decision to go for the 90 day streak! 

To answer your question simply, no you are most definitely not alone. Dealing with shmiras einayim and all matters of sexuality is a challenge for anyone as everyone here will attest to. The main thing to remember is that it is a process and that having urges is normal to begin with. 

That said, with time you will learn what makes you tick and you will be able to avoid triggers that will surge the urge. 

Be patient with yourself, find support from those that can give it (GYE and other people around you) and know that in time you will reach your goal! 

Perhaps this will be a cliche but practical nonetheless. When you think of progression, try to avoid thinking of the past you cannot get back or the future that is not promised. Stay here, stay now, win the moment!

ready2stop wrote on 26 May 2020 06:34:

Most of us were introduced to pornography/masturbation at relatively young ages. Although we had a feeling that there was something wrong and dirty about our secret, we really did not have the full understanding of the severity of aveira and unhealthy aspects of these forms of stress release/entertainment...… Compounding this was our inability to speak to anyone about this due to shame and fear of being looked down upon. By the time we fully "got it" about how bad and unhealthy this stuff is, we were hooked.

A person, when judging his level of yiras shomayim has to look at the whole picture. Do I fulfill my requirements as per Shulchan Aruch? Did I put on tefillin, tzitzis, did I daven, did I learn Torah, do I speak in a refined way, did I act with respect to my parents, did I give tzedakah or assist someone in some way, etc....?  Am I generally a good guy who has a bad habit?  For some reason, most of us viewed ourselves in the opposite way - which is ridiculous. "I am a masturbator/porn watcher rasha and loser. Yeah, I sometimes do mitzvos too..." Buddy, that's the yetzer hara talking. If you feel like a hopeless rasha, you will just keep on doing this garbage....Do not measure yourself by a habit that is ingrained in you from before.

As a mature adult, you made a conscious decision to post here, and to reach out for help. You put shame on the side and are revealing your most personal issues. Maybe you will decide to speak on the phone or even meet someone who can help you. Those actions define you. 

Yes, we will all have to do teshuva for our past behaviors, but our loving Father does not want yi'ush, He wants charata. Hopelessness, lack of self value/self esteem have no place in yiddishkeit. Be proud that you had the courage to step up to the plate and iyh you will hit a home run.