Ok, here is my first day of the new life. Yesterday I acted out twice with soft-porn. I have identified 2 triggers so far:

1) When I get really really aroused and decide I NEED to watch porn or masturbate, then even when the lust cools down, I am attached to the IDEA that I need to act out.

2) When I am in a very flat state, like when I over-eat, and dont feel any other possibility of healthy enjoyment.

The first trigger needs cognitive work- just because I decided I needed to act out then, the situation changed! I don't need to be so obsessive about things. I need brain flexibility!

As far as trigger #2- I don't know what to say. In a state like that, I have no pleasure. Maybe just go to sleep as soon as possible? That's really not so practical for many reasons.

I need some advice about that...

formywife125 wrote on 18 May 2020 12:08:

@BHYY I think it was Dov... As most of the good one liners on this forum are

@formywife... Love this name, it's a great way to remember and recognize each time you log in or log on who your doing this for, and why you think this is more important than acting out in the moment. One of my passwords on my computer is "ilovemywife" so I get where your coming from (but probably not actually, cause I'm not married or dating:)' just I get the feeling I guess). 

Its great that you started posting on this chat, bh in the past couple ,months I've had a couple streaks a little less than month and of coarse I'm pushing for longer. It's around now... This time on my 12th day that things start to get much more difficult, so I totally get that mind set of when you get an urge, and you just feel like your pushing it off until you inevitably give in. What I have learned works for me is posting on the forum, and giving my humble 2 cents on how I can help out the chevra, so if that speaks to you... Great. If not... Great. 

Just to to give a simple way of thinking "within the realm of mindfulness", there is a core idea that every moment is new, and a new opportunity to do something new. When were in the middle of something (for example writing in the forum) it's very easy to think that all the moments are just one big day... Week... Etc.  To see every moment individually is to say that regardless of what I thought, or did a second ago... Really shouldn't be a determining factor of what I want to do write now (especially if I want to stop doing something). 
Another tactic to think about (that is similar to the one above) is to create a new "promoting event". To get a but technical, as we perceive the human experience of life, we all have preconditioned ways of reacting to a thought emotion or anything physical. For example if I feel frustrated, and have learned to run to porn to "feel better", although the best thing above all would be to work on frustration, it's not practical for in that moment. 

I dont really ally like when people use the word "distraction" because when I was first introduced to that, it seemed like I was just doing something in between what I was feeling to push off as long as possible, but once the distraction stops or gets boring, I just get back to doing what I was doing. 

Using the phrase "create a new prompting event" speaks much more to me because this implies that whatever "triggered me before" and is keeping me thinking hard and long about doing something (in this case negative) the best thing to do is to do something else that will likely trigger another emotion. Even if this next emotion is also negative, to learn to think through our problems and not run to them instantaneously is always a good first step to success. The more you can do this, the less you will have to create a new prompting event, because you'll realize the only reason I want to act out is because I'm frustrated, and this Sint a good way of deeming with that. 

Bekitzur, when I feel triggered by something, try to do or think about something else (not by force) and be in the moment with whatever your doing. IInsteadif going to sleep, which will do the same thing, maybe go for a walk or learn Torah, or spend time with your significant other.  


Personally i was was having a difficult day yesterday. I was sitting the whole morning in shiur on zoom p, and I guess I was getting antsy. I tried to distract myself (yes I do this too contrary to my philosophy) until my brother inlaw came over and we ended up playing catch and giving a guitar lesson. During this time, I totally forgot that I wanted to act out and was in the moment... And at the point the feeling had passed. 

Ihope this his was helpful, if you want more explanation please please ask. 

Hatzlacha Raba, and BEZH you and your wife will see the benefit of you keeping up in the fight that we will all battle together.  

BHYY wroteBeautifully said.
I will add my $0.02 - mindfulness is great however practicing mindfulness when you have an urge and trying to be in the moment and analyze your thoughts is probably not the best idea and will probably get you more antsy. It's a good habit to get into regularly but might not be the best for when trying to shake an urge. 
As far as distraction, I hear what @yosef10 is saying. I sometimes also feel like I am just pushing off the inevitable by distracting myself but in reality (at least the way I understand it) an urge is like a curve and you feel antsy as you are riding higher and reaching the top. I think the point of distracting yourself is to allow the crux of the urge to pass and then you realize that it is more manageable than that big scary urge you had a few minutes ago.
So, if you'll indulge me...#flattenthecurve 

Welcome! You're doing great already posting about your struggle.
For your first trigger I really recommend mindfulness. It will teach you that these urges are external and you have the power to say no. A chashuve member of these forums (forgive me I forget who) once said "we have no recorded deaths on account of not giving in to that urge". Feel free to reach out to me (bhyy@protonmail.com) and I can recommend some great material on frum mindfulness including audio exercise.
Welcome to the club! Hatzlocha!

Thank you! I actually am trying to practice Mindfulness, but am having a hard time detecting if it's helping.

formywife125 wrote on 18 May 2020 12:08:

@BHYY I think it was Dov... As most of the good one liners on this forum are

@formywife... Love this name, it's a great way to remember and recognize each time you log in or log on who your doing this for, and why you think this is more important than acting out in the moment. One of my passwords on my computer is "ilovemywife" so I get where your coming from (but probably not actually, cause I'm not married or dating:)' just I get the feeling I guess). 
​Ha thats great. Keep it up. Everything before marriage will affect the wife, so you are really doing it for her.

Its great that you started posting on this chat, bh in the past couple ,months I've had a couple streaks a little less than month and of coarse I'm pushing for longer. It's around now... This time on my 12th day that things start to get much more difficult, so I totally get that mind set of when you get an urge, and you just feel like your pushing it off until you inevitably give in. What I have learned works for me is posting on the forum, and giving my humble 2 cents on how I can help out the chevra, so if that speaks to you... Great. If not... Great. 
Ok thanks, maybe I'll try that. I do feel weird about giving advice to people who don't ask me for it. Like, who am I. Why would my advice be better than anyone elses. I also feel like it would annoy/hurt people to get up in their zone to tell them what to do.
BTW, my urges are like EVERY day sometimes. And VERY strong. Like I get paralyzed from working because I become so lust-filled.

Just to to give a simple way of thinking "within the realm of mindfulness", there is a core idea that every moment is new, and a new opportunity to do something new. When were in the middle of something (for example writing in the forum) it's very easy to think that all the moments are just one big day... Week... Etc.  To see every moment individually is to say that regardless of what I thought, or did a second ago... Really shouldn't be a determining factor of what I want to do write now (especially if I want to stop doing something). 
Another tactic to think about (that is similar to the one above) is to create a new "promoting event". To get a but technical, as we perceive the human experience of life, we all have preconditioned ways of reacting to a thought emotion or anything physical. For example if I feel frustrated, and have learned to run to porn to "feel better", although the best thing above all would be to work on frustration, it's not practical for in that moment. 

I dont really ally like when people use the word "distraction" because when I was first introduced to that, it seemed like I was just doing something in between what I was feeling to push off as long as possible, but once the distraction stops or gets boring, I just get back to doing what I was doing. 

Using the phrase "create a new prompting event" speaks much more to me because this implies that whatever "triggered me before" and is keeping me thinking hard and long about doing something (in this case negative) the best thing to do is to do something else that will likely trigger another emotion. Even if this next emotion is also negative, to learn to think through our problems and not run to them instantaneously is always a good first step to success. The more you can do this, the less you will have to create a new prompting event, because you'll realize the only reason I want to act out is because I'm frustrated, and this Sint a good way of deeming with that. 

Bekitzur, when I feel triggered by something, try to do or think about something else (not by force) and be in the moment with whatever your doing. IInsteadif going to sleep, which will do the same thing, maybe go for a walk or learn Torah, or spend time with your significant other.  Thanks. I need to find activities that will work for that.


Personally i was was having a difficult day yesterday. I was sitting the whole morning in shiur on zoom p, and I guess I was getting antsy. I tried to distract myself (yes I do this too contrary to my philosophy) until my brother inlaw came over and we ended up playing catch and giving a guitar lesson. During this time, I totally forgot that I wanted to act out and was in the moment... And at the point the feeling had passed. 
Right. The only issue is that there are not that many things I actually enjoy doing. I'm weird in that way. Most of the things I have fun doing, I stopped because they were hindering my growth (reading fantasy books, comicbooks, tv, movies, video games) or they were damaging to my health (smoking, drinking too much alchohol). I have perfectionism which also makes it hard for me to enjoy things. I was a very big social guy, and I loved it, but at a certain point in my development, I (mistakenly) psychologically evaluated friendships to be a waste of time, and now it is very hard for me to use that as a real source of enjoyment either... I'm working on it, but it's SLOW.

Ihope this his was helpful, if you want more explanation please please ask. 
Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time and energy to reply to me.

Hatzlacha Raba, and BEZH you and your wife will see the benefit of you keeping up in the fight that we will all battle together.  
AMEN, AMEN.