Not going to lie, I fell again.
No excuse nor am I going to make one. The bottom line is my actions are my responsibility, not matter the situation. Home, away, unfiltered access, whatever the situation my actions are still my responsibility. (My name isn't Moe Steiner......)
Big announcement time.
I have made the decision to switch back to a basic phone. Why make it harder for myself by carrying this around in my pocket? I have the best filters but the bottom line is there will always be some loophole. I'm still going to keep the smartphone for Waze and some work features but I plan on setting serious gedarim. Will talk to HHM and my Rebbe to set this all up.
Thank you all for your chizuk, I could never have made it this far (and farther!!!) without you.

Amazing! Keep is updated with how things go!

Never forget this:
"sheva yipol tzaddik v'kum"
To fall seven times you have to have been up in between.
The possuk tells us don't worry you will eventually stand without falling.

Mighty warrior. Strategy is more important then brute strength. Respect.

Ok, I'm happily back in Yeshiva.
I fell 3 times today.
So what happened?
I had to fly again yesterday and was super triggered when I got home (people dress EXTREMELY triggering in airports/airplanes). B"H on the plane I kept my glasses off for most of the flight. I was pretty triggered when I got home. Then I saw the filter loophole that someone mentioned. The Y"H took the bait and attacked and I panicked. I did not fall right then. I fought with everything I had. I davened Maariv and begged Hashem to give me an eitzah, to send me a sign. I went to sleep. I survived. For now.
I woke up this morning early for Shacharis and still felt the unease of having this major loophole in my pocket. Again during Shacharis I asked Hashem for an eitzah, for a sign on what I should do.
One of the biggest mistakes was I knew I'd be triggered and I knew being home is a tremendous nisayon for me. Nonetheless, I needed to have work done on my car and scheduled it for today (big mistake). So I was stuck home. On a day with a boring online class. The urges started and I just couldn't fight. Too much I let them overtake me and I fell. I posted after and spoke a GYE friend on the phone. Then the afternoon was laid out before me long and boring. That lead to two more falls.
My eitzah from Hashem, my sign. Message received loud and clear. Even though the actual falls were not on my phone, that was initial weakening of my resolve that lead to today's falls. I made the decision that it's time to switch back to a basic phone. I spoke to my Rebbe (who knows my situation) and we tried to find the best way to make this work. Waze is pretty important when dating. I am going to switch my "everyday carry" to a basic phone and I will get a Waze-only phone that will stay in my car.
So lessons learned, I really need to listen to myself when I know my weaknesses. I should have went right back to Yeshiva this morning. I also need to contemplate traveling next time as airports and airplanes are super triggering.
ODAAT.

I woke up depressed. Starting all over again (even though deep down I know that’s no true.)
In the middle of Hodu this morning I got to “Hoshea es amecha” and subconsciously started singing it in my head to R’ Twerski’s niggun. And then it hit me. He’s in the Olam HaEmes, he knows exactly what is going on with me. And I felt him smiling at me. That’s giving me the strength to move on. 

I’m going to miss having GYE in my pocket. Being able to read threads whenever was a tremendous Chizuk. As was being able to post when having a huge urge and get quick Chizuk. But bez”H not having a smartphone will make this battle somewhat easier for me. For now, as I wait for the basic phone to arrive, I still have this loophole so I’m going to have the filter company put a blanket internet block on my phone. No internet whatsoever. 
This is BHYY-mobile signing off. Will be coming to you next from computer. 

FYI: The stores sell a device which is Waze only. I think it is a one time fee to activate. Check World of Communication in Borough Park for details. Might be better off than having a koshered smartphone in the car.

Hatzlacha on your decision. May you be successful.

lionking wrote on 24 Feb 2021 14:41:

They’re all kashered smartphones that need some sort of data plan to work. 
I ordered mine from koshercell.org

This is hard.
I have all this pornographic content fresh in my head from yesterday and I'm in a constant state of being triggered. I also feel pretty lousy about yesterday. I know it's all the YH trying to get me to fall again but still, it's very hard.
I will stay clean. It isn't a life otherwise. I'm short tempered and upset but those are only temporary in the big picture. Eventually I'll be past this. ODAAT.
TODAY! DAMN IT! TODAY!

BHYY wrote on 24 Feb 2021 17:47:

Hi BHYY
Did you consider looking into a recovery program like SMART or the 12 step? These programs have proven to be very beneficial for many people... 

DavidT wrote on 24 Feb 2021 17:50:

Sadly there are no Jewish SMART meetings near me and I don't want to go to a non Jewish one.
I don't consider myself an addict (nor does my therapist) so I don't want to go to an SA 12 step meeting.

I'm embarrassed to report I fell again today.
I looked at things I definitely shouldn't have (not pornography) and masturbated.
I'm not going to fall down that hole again, that's why I'm posting it here in the open to keep accountable.

Each time we act out, we make it harder to heal from the addiction in the long term. Therefore, we must do everything in our power to break free of the vicious cycle now, by taking the necessary steps to break free. As long as we are still caught up in the cycle of addiction, we cannot begin to heal. And the nature of the addiction is such that we cannot think our way out, we need to act our way into a new pattern of thinking.

We must realize that the Yetzer Hara/addiction wants our soul, not the pleasure. Otherwise, why is a thousand times never enough? Keep this saying in mind: "Just once is too much; a thousand times is never enough." We cannot bargain with the addiction. Half measures ultimately amount to nothing. Isolated incidents of control are not significant when dealing with addiction, it’s the overall pattern. Staying stopped is the issue. We must realize that we were acting insane. It’s not sane to repeat self-destructive behaviors.

Now I'm really starting to feel it.
It's like when a shidduch is going really well and then she breaks it off. I really thought this was going to be the one. I thought I was done with this. I know it was just a streak and the real determinant is how I pick myself up but even that, I've been letting myself wallow for too long in this fall.
Is it crazy to say I feel like I broke my own heart?