I think I relate to everything u just wrote...

Feel free to let me know ( here or in pm) if/how I can be of assistance

It was probably the hardest thing i ever did in my life to speak to someone face to face, but you know what? not only i don't regret it, but i admire myself for it and gained for life.
At the time i was a young yeshiva bochur, offically top of the range, yet i had to open up to save myself.
Feel free to pm me anytime even just for some chizuk.
I guarantee you, you can get to your goals. Its not my promise, it's Chazals! your amazing and can do it like many others.
With admiration at your determination,
excellence

How was/is?

I fell again Friday night. Had a tough shabbos. I could probably win if I wanted to fight ..,

You, DO want to win, otherwise you wouldn't be here. what you meant is that you think that you don't really want to win, which is not true.
Secondly just battling the struggle itself is a form of winning. Winning does not mean the final blow. that's actually not even up to us. we need to battle, HASHEM decides on the final blow.
thirdly, yes, Shabbos was and still is my hardest day of the week, I really relate to shabbos struggles!
You really can do it. 
Happy to work with you.
love excellence.

Ok. That’s it. I fell last night again, this time with porn as well.

I’m officially done with this. No more falling. It’s not gonna be an option, no matter the circumstances.

I can’t afford to use unfiltered devices in private.
I can’t afford to stay in my rut, to stew in feelings of despair and self pity.
I have a life to live, and I have a boss who demands that I serve him with joy, constantly. I don’t have time for beating myself up and perpetuating this vicious cycle of self loathing and self destructive habits.

What's the plan?

OivedElokim wrote on 15 Nov 2020 17:48:

Well if thats the case you've defiantly come to the right place. I am blown over by the proffesnalism here, the recourses down to the last detail. literally blown over how GYE are facing this enemy head on. Looking forward to hearing from you more and watching you /us as we all grow here.
​A good start is the threads on Smart recovery especially the ones from menachem gye. guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery also check out some vids on here.  gye.vids.io/
With tremendous Hatzlocho

wilnevergiveup wrote on 15 Nov 2020 18:41:

I’m going to speak to someone on the phone tonight to try to formulate a plan.
Will try to keep you posted.

To all those who reached out either on the forums or by PM to offer support-I really appreciate it, it means a lot. May HaShem reward your concern with my struggle by helping you overcome yours.

I’ll sign off with this quote that I recently saw that really expressed the fighting spirit of GYE:

OivedElokim wrote on 15 Nov 2020 21:41:

Update my friend? 

Hey there.
I’m out of yeshiva for a couple days for a simcha. I’m 13 days clean. I am avoiding unfiltered devices like the plague. I really appreciate the support and concern from our friends here. I hope to continue to share good news with all of you. A gut voch!

Great to hear you are bh doing well. Stay away from unfiltered devices as you are doing - even for kosher purposes! Hatzlocha!

Just slipped. Used an unfiltered device. Bh I didn’t watch anything bad, but I’m playing with Fire. Not gonna do that again...

Keep strong

I realize that i have work to do in terms of not wanting to fall. Most of my streaks consist of not falling, but I still find myself wishing for that sweet pleasure of porn. Is there a way for me to stop feeling nostalgia for it? That feeling usually always preceded any of my recent falls. I don’t even know if that’s should be my goal, do not want it anymore. Maybe I just need to work and my self control and safeguards, and leave it at that....
Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.