AFTER 105 DAYS!

Beautiful! Exhilarating! Amazing! Delicious!

Congratulations on 105 beautiful, pristine days filled with sacrificing pleasure all for the honor and love of Hashem!

Congratulations on your amazing self control and discipline.

Congratulations on having 105 clean days that will forever be there. Untainted and etched in stone for all eternity. 

Congratulations on becoming a true Oived Elokim. A true servant and child of Hashem. "שומע בקולו עושה דברו".

There were other words in your post in tiney letters that I struggled to read because all I was able to see clearly were the words quoted above, but I'll begrudgingly address them.

You fell. Okay. We are human. "אין צדיק בארץ אשר יעשה טוב ולא יחטא". Now here's the real test. Will "streaks and records" discourage you and destroy your amazing momentum, or will you understand how amazing you are and as Hashem loving gazes down upon you, will you rise to the occasion and return to your former status of "עובד אלוקים"? 

Remember my friend nothing changed. Nothing. At. All. 

                                Grant

Day 1:
Thanks Grant. It’s great to have you as a cheerleader. It means a lot...

Lessons learned:

I can stay clean for over a hundred days with minimal effort. That is something I never thought was possible. When you’re consumed by lust you don’t realize how easy it is to say no. If you get clean for a few weeks, or perhaps days you suddenly have a clear mind. It’s as if a fog lifts and you have clarity “I don’t need it. It doesn’t do anything good for me. I can have an urge and just let it blow over.”
Thats a lesson that is really going to help me ensure that this fall is a one thing off and doesn’t drag on.
And it gives me a lot of hope for the future. If I can do it for a hundred, I can do it for a thousand, and ultimately-for a lifetime. Which sounds like a lovely prospect...
Also- if you’re feeling weak, like one of these days you are going to give in-trust yourself. If you don’t deal with it then, you will probably fall. I’ve had this sense of weakness for about a week before I fell. I didn’t do anything about it.

Aaahhh!
Just fell again.
I need to make a new game plan. I just don’t want to...

We are rooting for you and you can do it!!! 

SHEVA yipol tzadik vkam. Good people FALL more than once and that itself is how we grow to great heights! 

I am no at 270 days clean and my last streak was 272...BUT I fell in between MANY times....Don't be down about a fall even if you had one back to back. KNOW that Hashem wants you to succeed and that you have the ability to do so! Seva Yipol Tzadik...VKAM. If you keep giving it your best, then eventually you WILL get back up. 

Hatzlacha!!!

Here's an idea I use to stop the continuing effect of a fall. Do something that says to you that it's over. Meaning, that if you fall again or are tempted to fall again it is like falling for the first time of a new round and not a continuous fall from the past time. For example, take a shower, give tzedaka or learn a bit of mussar and say to Hashem "I am starting over".

Create anything or invent any idea that says clearly that the past behavior is over. I'm starting anew. What this does is, it stops the feeling of "If I fall again nothing changed, when I stop I'll start over". It gives you the guilt of breaking a new streak instead of feeling discouraged and continuing the original fall.

                                 Grant

First of all, thanks to Grant for that piece of advice. I used it to reset after acting out earlier in the night. Did not fall again after my shower although I stayed up much later.
Now, here we come, 90 days...
Ok here goes.

Day 1:
Woke pretty late after a night of some porn and a lot of YouTube videos.
Despite the late start, had a surprisingly decent day. Did some shopping for yeshiva. Saw I a frum woman in the store that was pretty triggering. (Not dressed provocatively or anything-I’m just sick). Kept thinking of her throughout the day. But I’m still clean, with a new urge delay plan, a new zeman in yeshiva, and an optimistic attitude. I think that’s all I need to succeed, BEZH.

Thanks for reading. Much Hatzlacha to you all.

Maybe as you iyh get going to beat your previous accomplishment, this time around partner up with someone who needs help getting started. You can hold his hand and get him going like you did....

Day 11.

12 days since I used an unfiltered device. Don’t have any around now. When I will-I will iyh be prepared...
I don’t really think I need much more than that to stay clean. 

So here I am, trucking forward...

I just wanna day that I’m genuinely impressed and inspired by you. How you got right back up after the fall post 105 days (my dream!), and how you valiantly march to the beat of the ratzon HaShem.
Ashrecha ashrecha! May you conquer this, and be matzliach in all aspects of your Avodas Hashem

Day 30:

What’s been working for me:

Real accountability and a real game plan. With the help of a very special GYE member whom I reached out to for help, I formulated a plan that would help me stay clean over bein hazmanim. I’ve made such plans before, but they were unrealistic and set the bar too high (never using unfiltered devices, which is nearly impossible in my situation). I am very grateful for the help of HHM for taking the time to speak to me on the phone and guiding me in making my plan.
If you are still afraid of calling people, let me tell you how much of a difference it makes. It’s worth it...
Hopefully I will post daily during bein hazmanim, because it’s harder to stay clean but it’s also easier to post ...

Got up very late today (got up for krias shema and went right back to bed) and the took a shower. Came pretty close to pleasuring myself etc. I think my knas was what shut that whole thing down. Anyways hopefully going to have a productive rest of the day so that i have the strength to fight when I need it.

Feeling weak. Had a slip and my tayva is snowballing... 

OivedElokim wrote on 02 Oct 2020 18:31:

Ok. It happens. Tayvah can be there, it's hard, but you have the decision of how to respond to it. Remember, it's a want, not a need no matter how much it may feel like a necessity. 

Think, how will you truthfully have more pleasure? By acting out now and having a fleeting moment of physical pleasure with an incredibly painful and destructive aftermath? Or by accepting the urge, moving on with your life and remaining in control and clean with a solid streak behind you, coasting into yom tov and making a שהחינו and a לישב בסוכה in purity and spiritual ecstasy? 

Just some food for thought.

                                   Grant 

Thanks Grant for another clear and compelling post. The tayva has calmed somewhat.
On a different note-what does Karma mean, and why is it displayed for n everyone’s profile. Excuse my ignorance...

Day 36:
I’m clean today. I feel mildly depressed, not sure why. But it weakens your resistance, in any case. Thankfully I’m avoiding triggers so it hasn’t been much of a struggle as of late. I think I’m feeling empty cause I’m not being very productive in any particular area over this break. I can’t wait to get back to yeshiva and start learning again...