If ur not in Yeshiva tonight, make sure to prepare. Cuz motzei Shabbos can get rough 

YeshivaGuy wrote on 18 Dec 2020 04:51:

I don’t have to use it if I don’t want to. That’s it. That’s my special power.

Keep inspiring us!
I have to learn to enable my own special power

Friday night I struggled with some urges. I also struggled with depression, with questions of identity. I came up with this:
I am stuck.
I didn’t get myself here.
My weaknesses don’t originate with me, my base instincts are not of my making.
My foolishness, my drive for self-gratification did not make itself heard because I fell. It’s the core of who I am.
I did not get myself into this mess. It was G-d who put me here. And as bad as it is for me, my G-dly soul is in bigger trouble.
Let me try and help him out, to redeem him, to give expression to his thirst and yearning, to let him yearn for G-d, to pour out his soul in prayer, to learn Torah, to do mitzvos, to let him return to his source, his  natural habitat.

And I’ll celebrate his joy, in the prince returning from captivity to his fathers home. There’s nothing more powerful or more moving.

 (ע״פ לקו״א תניא פרק לא)
A gut voch!

OivedElokim wrote on 20 Dec 2020 03:21:

Big Yesod. That אדם is composed of 2 conflicting kochos. Self acceptance is accepting that this constant conflict defines אדם.
Through Tanya, Alei Shur et one learns such concepts, the hard part is internalizing it and living with it

If I may ask, what is this “identity crisis” which u face?
Perhaps better to speak over PM if that’s more comfortable, whatever u prefer

I don’t think it’s a unique identity crisis. I think we all experience an instinct towards holiness and purity, to do the right thing. At the same till we feed drawn to the world and all of its temptations. 

We then ask ourselves “who is the real me, and who is the imposter “ as we fail to recognize that they’re both real. One is our נפש האלוקית and the other is our נפש הבהמית. As soon as we recognize that, we feel validated, because we can attribute to each one what they’re responsible for.

I hope this is somewhat coherent and clarifying. If you have any comments or disagreements don’t hesitate to share...

Hi Oived, 

I totally understand what you are saying! I very often feel conflicted and wonder why it is so hard for me to want to do the right thing, when I supposedly believe it is the truth. 

Maybe this thought I just had recently will be helpful for you. Mesilas Yesharim (quoting various chazal) talks about this world just being a waiting room for the next world. Specifically, he focuses on not falling prey to the pleasures of this world at the expense of the next world. It hit me that maybe my expectations of purely wanting to do the right thing are our of place. Maybe we are meant to be conflicted and only in the next world our "identity" is clear. 

When you go on an amazing vacation, you don't expect the time in the airport to be exciting and full of fun. Imagine if you got depressed because you found the airport boring and decided to cancel your trip. You would be a fool! Your trip didn't even start yet! 

I realized that maybe if I truly was able to look at this world like that airport, then I can start to look at this world for what it is. A place for tough work, requiring determination, and with a focus on the ultimate future. Then I may not be as conflicted and my emotions would match my reality. 

Let me know if that makes sense, and if you find it helpful! 

You remind me of the "8th day" song:

I traveled halfway across the world to see a sage I heard he lived like such a poor man in this day and age I said, where’s your leather couches Where’s your golden chandelier Where’s your walk-in closet For all that stuff you could wear. 

Well, all you got is that suitcase my friend, ain’t that true?

I said, yeah but you know that I’m just passing through

That’s when he said… 

I’m just like you I’m just passing through just like you My heart wants to feel Something that’s real And my mind hopes to find Treasures of another kind And if you had my eyes you’d see A palace for you and me.

(It's based off a true story. I'll see if I can find it somewhere.)

Zedj wrote on 20 Dec 2020 17:57:

Famous story with the Chafetz Chaim...

I never heard this story with the chofetz Chaim but probably!
So many stories with so many chassidim, rabbeim, tzaddikim and great sages get mixed up very often. (ateast I mix them up).... Or similar stories are recorded.

Realestatemogul wrote on 20 Dec 2020 17:04:

That could be quite a morbid excistance, living 70 80 years in a airport. Living the right way should make the journey enjoyable as well.

I play this out in my head alot. It's funny I don't just cut to the chase and say "im not doing this" rather it's a whole back and forth.

Zedj wrote on 20 Dec 2020 22:14:

Every time? That is exhaustive and tiring! Eventually you should be able to reach a point where the "back and forth " doesn't have to take place as often. Maybe sometimes when the urge is tremendously overwhelming, but as a whole it should be clear to you that every back and forth already ended the same way.

That is the whole idea of creating a pro and con list. Have the decision made already. So when confronted you don't need to call a board meeting and discuss the options again. All you have to do is reference yesterday's decision.

Not only is it less tiring, it will prevent the battle from progressing, and withhold you from having to answer every new angle thought of.

@grant

Thanks for the response.
To clarify..it's not every time but Its not uncommon.
I made a pro and cons list...I have to find it.
I guess it's time to rewrite it and have it in hands reach