Definitely!
Let's do this achi.

Love your logo.

Do you ball?

Haha, ya I play ball... Have t played in a while cause you can't get games though of course... In high school I played a bunch of times a week... It was great and really competitive. I miss that bit. 

What a relief to get this out. May I suggest a good therapist. You are walking around with heavy trauma. Your cousin who you trusted violated you and then went off to be mesayem shas b'iyun and left you hanging - and you are basically mochel him?!?! Did you fall on your head?! It hurts, it really hurts. I am not talking about him - I am talking to you - a typical abused guy who is suppressing his feelings about being sexually abused. Think back to the scene of whatever he did to your body. It is not easy to conjure up. Just bury it, your brain declares.....You deserve proper help - and help is available. Hatzlocha. 

I can say for myself that I couldn't really get past the stuff inside for myself until I saw a professional. I'm not saying it's for everyone, and at first I hated the idea that I "Needed" so,some else.... But as o have learned, there is only to gain (assuming you have a good phsychologist). It was really the guys here on GYE that planted that first thoughts d idea in my head. 

@yosef10

I agree, I saw a psychologist a few years ago for a while. Not specifically about the abuse. Just in general. (If they would have known, it would have made their job a lot easier LOL)

I'll see if I can find a good one. Any tips? don't want the rabbi types. I want a real proffessional.

thank yoU!

If you live in a Jewish community (NY and nj for sure) I'm sure you can search up a bikur cholim referral service. It's anonymous and they usually do great work... But then it's on you to call for appointments. It's funny you say a real professional, and I totally get where that's coming from, but, I'll just let you in on my own experience, both of my 2 past psychologists had Smicha as well. But... A good psychologist will have both switches. When I wanted to here rebbe Nachman says that Hashem loves me they had that, when I didn't want to here any of that...I would just well, tell them. And we'd go over the reall cold hard facts. Again, it was just my prefer acne and everybody looks for something different. 
Keep us posted!!! We're here for you. 

https://www.reliefhelp.org/

Wow, you are awesome!! Kudos to you for coming on to this site and really sticking to your goal!

I too had incidents as a child, and I was so clueless then how it affected me...Honestly, I went to therapists every few years and each time helped me get over the current hurdle. A therapist can definitely be helpful, but a lot has to do with fit and while you may not want a Rabbi, I strongly recommend someone religious. 

The most important thing to know is that Hashem loves you and there is help out there to not just squash old memories or impacts, but to in a very real way rise ABOVE them. 

I too am a single and dating has it's own challenges if you struggle with shmiras habris. If you think it is impacting your dating work through it asap. 

I can tell already you have tremendous koach and I am sure if you keep going you will reach great heights! Not despite your life's circumstances, but because of them! 

I can do this!
Ashrei Ha'ish asher...

I fell last night. Yes, I feel terrible.
The good news is simple, 

1. I lasted 5 days
2. My feelings before were feelings of "I got this", "Get down and do pushups", "Call someone", "Watch a funny video"

The pre falling feelings I think are key, because It was a hint of regaining control against this monster living inside of me.
I mean if he paid rent I would not mind so much. It's just that he's always causing issues!

My goal is 5 more days then another post. I actually have a date tonight, the girl drove pretty far to come to my area BH.

I hope it's good, some (maybe more than some) of my frustration, is coming from the lack of quality girls I have been set up with. I know I am struggling but I still believe (and we all should!) that I (and we) am (are) quality person (people) who are top notch tatty material

I have seen that sometimes overcoming the struggle makes us more understanding & caring, which as a new father + husband, is key.

If anyone has some free time and is available to coach/mentor, it would mean the world. I'll obviously have my lawyer draw up an NDA, LOL. 
Just kidding.

Seriously though, if anyone does have some cheishek to help out, read through my posts and let me know.

Tizku Lemitzvos & Ashreichem!!!!
WE GOT THIS!!!! 
Shavua tov & a'freilichen.

I signed the NDA, but you didn't read the fine print when you created your account on here....

Anyway, you are doing awesome! 5 days in the thick of things can be a huge accomplishment!

My biggest recommendation is to keep coming and using GYE as a tool to support you while you break free.

What new steps are you taking to do another 5 days?
'
Keep up the great work!

I was going to wait until tomorrow (10 days BEZH!!) to post.

However, last night I had a real fight. Was reading some tempting (not kosher) stuff (no pics/videos bh) and felt myself giving in slowly.

Then somehow (thanks to you chevra) I found the strength to say no & go to sleep.

When I woke up, I obviously did a little victory dance & listened to a shiur about being a ba'al teshuva. Even though am ffb, this totally counts

I get such chizuk looking at the medal of Hakoveish Es Yitzro. (props to dev team)

BezH will get to 10 days and then 11....One day at a time.

I really want to get married also, sometimes that thought stresses me out.
I trust in hashem 100%, just the dating & hishtadlus is a bit frustrating. 

Work has been providing a good feeling during the day, am occupied with other things BH. Hopefully will get to go out more after all this craziness passes.

<3 you all

thanks chevra & TTYS

Great accomplishment - celebrating your victory. It helps for the future b'ezras Hashem.  Many guys get so down from the fact that they are still struggling that they lose sight of what they just did by staying clean. Understanding that Hashem made us with these urges and that they will to some extent stay with us for the duration of our lives is crucial to staying clean. Keep on dancing buddy!

I feel like bashing my head through a wall.

I was so excited to get to double digits, 10 days. And then boom.

One small thing led to another, and I fell.



The thing is, the sitra achra get's me with the small stuff. Sometimes I'm not good at blocking those out.



I'm really frustrated & disappointed with myself. I knew I could do it, since I did it the night before (see previous post).



Rabeinu was on point regarding "ein shum yei'ush".

I'm feeling that a bit, but know internally that it won't get me anywhere. Anywhere good that is. 



I'm going to cry this one out, get some work done, hang out with friends. (bezh find a bas yisrael soon), then come back stronger than ever!!!!!

(I hope & pray)



All I feel like I can do is daven, I almost never feel powerless. Now I feel completely controlled 

Hi MR Novea. Really sorry to hear that.  I just messed up again too.
When you're in yichud with the Soton it's rough
The small stuff is real rough. You see the big stuff and just turn the other way. Or maybe we just perceive "small" poorly.
Well we're in the same boat here. I'll be davening for you,
BEZH we'll keep climbing up together for a long long time
You can do it, you do want to do it from what you've been posted here. That's everything you need to do it besides the doing itself.

@zookeeper, thank you so much!
Nicest words i've heard the whole day.

Amen to your bracha, we should & hopefully will keep climbing!

I just wish that my actions were in stride with my mind.
I wish I didn't do the things, that I truly deep down don't want to do.

Ughhh it's so crazy. Hashem will help & guide us bezh!

thank you for the extremely kind words!