Hi everyone, not the usual type of guy to be writing on these things but I am clean 22 days!

No special number to that, but that number of days includes weekends at home, coronavirus & being alone with technology for a long time, and battles.

Battles that without reading the experiences and simple victories of the holy chevra here, I would not be anywhere near 22 days. Simply reading what we are all trying to attain + realizing that we are all in this together is tremendous.

My story really starts in high school, and has never been fully under control since. Went to yeshiva and had some good streaks but nothing of high quality, meaning really fighting a battle. Came back & started dating and that is when the real internal struggle started.

I was going out with this great girl, such a holy neshama mamesh. And I just felt like no way I could betray her like this.
Obviously, she had no idea what was going on in my head but I won the battle!!

I was clean, for months. A record since high school.

Sounds all great and all but as most of you are waiting for the happy ending, because of some family drama and the way I felt when I looked at here, it was not the right thing to give her the ring. No happy ending .

Then I fell, so hard, so fast.

To a point where I just tried to make it from Shabbos to Shabbos. The pre-Shabbos mikva became 1 big tefillah, begging hashem to give me the internal strength to be strong again just one more time. Like Shimshon.

I found GYE and feel like a new person!

P.S. Because of work, filters are not an option yet (might change soon), however my focus is controlling it before I even feel the urge. And progress is being made!

P.P.S. the levels (am at Eved Hashem now) give me so much chizuk. Phenomenal feature.

So far this has been an amazing 22 days (almost 23) and I really owe you guys a yasher koach & huge thank you.

Will check in soon! 

Its so true! Guard Your Eyes has been so helpful to me while I go through my own recovery. The levels feature is awesome. They send you notifications when you get to another level and they tell you what to expect when you get there. It's been really helpful! Now instead of wandering in the dark about what comes next I have warnings ahead of time. Its a huge advantage!

Also, I'm sorry the thing with the girl didn't work out, but I know you'll find the girl that's meant for you before you know it. Just keep your head up, watch out for the yetzer haras traps, daven to Hashem, and you'll be clean again. You can do it! Everyone on this site believes in you!!!

Following this up.

I really can't believe it.
Single and in this coronavirus, I managed to get to 30 days. Baruch hashem. #TYH

One thing I think I realized is that it's important *during the day* to have special social connections. Call an old friend, family member etc.
I'm sure the science is out there, I'm just saying it works.

I struggled for such a long time and this feeling of control over myself is coming back.

I hope this continues (my successful journey) and hope all this Corona ends asap!

Chevra, look in the mirror and tell the person you see, about the person you can become

Yasher Koach!! (I'll give you an elbow, still not hand shaking yet:mask:)
So true about social connections. The forums and chats here are gevaldig but nothing like speaking on the phone or even in person if you can pull that off.
Keep it up! You inspire me!

NachalNovea wrote on 10 May 2020 16:11:

Thats so bautiful, it's always great to hear s brother have success. I can't believe or even imagine what is was like what you went through, you are a very strong man to be able to get past that. 
Regarding the forum, now that your on day 22, maybe consider posting more on your and others forums. I know for myself it's been a big help, and as you have said.... But think how much more you would feel if you were actually involved, saying your own story, giving your own advice and Chizuk. For me it's unparalleled. So to someone who gets Chizuk from reading, getting involved can do wonders.  

Also so it's great that your trying to "control yourself before the urge comes" do you mind explaining that. 

Sure, so I know nights are the hardest for me so I try to not go to my room unless I'm tired + going to bed. 
I make sure to work out (push-ups) or anything to get my stress out during the day.

I also have been working from home & used to work in a quiet but private area, which we all know is not good. So I moved to a more public place, definitely more annoying but everytime I look at my streak I feel better

Amazing. The more you build and make it easier for yourself when your sane, helps you react when you are not. Working out definitely helps. 

I've been meaning to work out and go for a run and have been trying to push to do it, but when I see the ice cream I feel better 

NachalNovea wrote on 10 May 2020 16:11:

That is really quite commendable that you have gone 30 days with unfiltered access. I am genuinely inspired. Keep it up!

Haha, don't even get me started. Me & Ice Cream are inseparable. I just also run. Important to have a healthy balance

40 Days.

I can't believe it. My struggle is PMO, and it is (For me) a mechanism for release of stress and the like.
These past 40 days have been very stressful, but I stayed strong (exercising really helped+chizuk from gye). Some days were harder than others. Today was particularly tough.

I am wondering a lot (maybe too much) what life will be like after marriage. (Am a bachur)

Also interesting idea, I have my own small business and when I find myself engrossed in that. It can be a release as well and I have less of an urge. 

Truly love you all holy chevra,
Emesdik mevakshei hashem & bnei aliya!

<3

Exercise and being focused on a hobby or work are real helps. There is a physiological component. Keep it up r' nachal!

The past 24 hours have been really the worst.

My untold story is this:

Was abused by two people sexually as a kid.
One person was only once, a stranger.

The other a close family member.

I'm no professional, however I think that is tied to my unconscious need for validation. Not sure how.

So when I don't feel that, I sink. Really low. Really fast.

I'll end off with, sometimes I laugh in the mirror as I'm thinking that because I've had some pretty awesome accomplishments (like a 40 day streak
​cool stuff at work). So no need for external validation.
(My cousin was the one who abused me, he then left to learn in the Mir and then to another top yesh in israel)
He just made a siyum ha'shas.
Not daf yomi. B'iyun.

I forgive him for the acts, because I somewhat understand. But not for ruining this part of me.

Can't believe I just wrote all that, feels kind of relieving. 

NachalNovea wrote on 02 Jun 2020 16:34:

I'm glad that you told your story. No need for you to live with it bottled up inside. I can imagine that despite the shock of actually writing it, you do "feels kind of relieving." Thank you for you for sharing that story and showing such vulnerability.

I wish you that you can find healing from these painful abuse stories.

Thank you so much!
(I see we are both at 1 day, let's goooo!!!!)
Excited to break my streak record

I'm just a day behind you guys ... Guess we're in this together.