Day 5: Good day today BH.  Met up with a friend, did some work.  Having the calendar hanging in my room is a good physical reminder for me that I have a goal. 

TBH, it's not really the 90 day mark, been there and done that; I still have not turned into a pumpkin.  Rather, it reminds me that each day clean is an accomplishment worth crossing off. 

Is it sort of weird to me that I should be paying attention to this?  Sorta, I don't really do this with anything else, but hey, it seems to be making me happier for now. 

OK, I'll stop with the nonsensical rambling for now and head to bed.  I really felt like I had nothing to say or write, but I wanted to post an update, so this is what came out lol.  Have a good night y'all!

Day 6: Pretty good day today BH. Productive with work, davened properly, but didn't learn unfortunately. I went the whole daytime hours without vaping, but took it up in the evening, so partial success there.

My excuse was that it was to help me study. Still not good though, it's a slippery slope to vaping all the time. It's not good for me because it kills my appetite, among other reasons, and I need to eat (I'm too skinny lol)!

It also makes it less likely I'll engage with better stress relieving techniques. However, I'm trying not to be too strict with myself about failing a bit in this area. I know that beating myself up will only lead me to worse places.

Not too many urges today until the evening, which is the norm for me. Vaping probably didn't help. It's weird, it helps in one way, is a distraction and provides some pleasure, but also can bring on urges as having too much nicotine can make me feel wired and want to "calm down" via acting out.

Anyways, enough philosophizing for now. The key is still stay clean today, regardless of all the complicated things in my mind or life. I can do it today with Hashem's help, I did it yesterday, so why is today any different?  

Have a good night!

From one vaper to another: congratulations for trying to quit. It’s  remarkable how easy it is to quit, I’ve done it hundreds of times…

No but seriously good for you. Much success with staying clean and with breaking these bad habits. 

With respect and admiration,
OivedElokim

Day 7: Good day today, BH.  Full day of class.  Vape free day too.  I had a coffee in the evening which I think was a good replacement for my evening vape sesh (it doesn't affect my sleep when I drink coffee a few hours before bed). 

Anyways, just trying to take it one day at a time, (yes, so cliche lol) and also trying to remember that Hashem is with me wherever I go, so I shouldn't be afraid or anxious. 

Ok, that's all I got for now.  Good night!

Day 9: BH, good day today. Staying strong with the no vaping.

I realized evening time is always the time I get urges mainly. No big surprise there. When I'm tired, it's easy to turn to an "easy" thing to do, or something that will "wake" me up.

Well, I decided, why do I have this meshugas that I can't go to sleep early? If I'm tired, I'll just go to bed. 
Anyways, that's my new plan. Who knows, maybe I'll become one of those crazy early risers? Ok, my silly rant for today is over. Have a good night y'all!

Edit: When I talk about urges above, I'm talking about urges related to GYE, not vaping lol. Although it also applies to vaping. Just realized that I wasn't clear about that.

Day 12: OK day, BH.  I made the mistake of taking up vaping though.  I think that was a mistake.  I really enjoy the mindless physical aspect of it, but the effects are too strong for me, and have negative physical effects on me. 

I also feel so stupid and weak for doing it.  However, it's probably better that I don't beat myself too much for doing it, as that won't help anything.  I also feel so stupid for wasting money on it.  Anyways, I can always start again tomorrow, so no need to mope too much.  

I went on an outing today with a friend, which was good.  However, I also heard some pretty sad news about people that I know or people who are close to people I know.  Hearing sad news and suffering is difficult. 

I managed to do some studying in the evening fueled by some crazy vaping, so at least I got some studying done.  I needed to study, but I actually studied as a way of escaping and getting my mind off all the sad news.  Well, I guess I should head to bed soon and try again tomorrow.  

I've got exams coming up, and I'm just trying to remember that i can do it, and that being afraid or anxious ain't gonna help me.  One thing that helps me a lot is something I read awhile back (maybe here on GYE).  The quote said that "anything worth doing is worth doing poorly".  This really helps motivate to read difficult material, even when I feel that I am not doing a perfect job comprehending what I'm reading. 

Ok, just wanted to give an update, because it's been a few days.  That's all the ramble I got for now.  Have a great night y'all!  May Hashem shower revealed brachos on everyone.

Follow Up: I feel sick from vaping. Ahrghh. Just posting this as a public reminder to myself that it's never worth it and I need to stop. Ok, I'll stop talking about vaping so much, I'm sorry!!

Why are you apologizing for sharing your frustrations? Keep doing it. It will iyh help keep you clean. As an aside, exercize is a much better thing to get "addicted" to as opposed to vaping or the stuff we talk about here.....

Now that's a good way to look at exams!
Its also good to see that its not only me who struggles with revision.
Now I've got to get of GYE, and back to revision 

Day 13: Good day today, BH.  I did vape, but I made sure not to do too much and made sure to space it out so that I don't make myself sick.  Did school work and some family related obligations. 

I'm pretty tired now.  I'm pretty much always tired unfortunately.  Anyways, I figure I'll just go to bed if I'm so tired, no need to stay up late.  Also, this way, maybe I'll have a better chance of actually getting up to go to minyan tomorrow. 

I like davening with a minyan a lot more than davening at home.  Plus, it's the right thing to do!  I have a busy day tomorrow.  I always get a bit anxious about these type of days.  But hey, I've done it loads of times before, so I can do it again. 

Sorry for being vague about what's busy about my day, but I can't exactly give away all my personal details!!  Ok, thanks for listening to the daily ramble.  Have a great night everyone! 

Day 16: Had a pretty tough day today. Just some tough emotions and stuff. Can't get into too many details I think. Just some reminders of some difficult times. I also wasn't super productive, so I feel bad about myself. It wasn't like I didn't do ANYTHING, but it was a bit blah. I was just trying to sort of survive the day so to speak. I felt weak, physically and emotionally. Sorry for the vagueness and all that. Well, it's late now, time to go to bed. I guess I can say I survived the day. Looking forward to a much better day tomorrow bezh. I know that I need to think positively for that to happen. So I'm going to choose to believe that tomorrow will be very good! OK, enough rambling for one day. I didn't really have anything to say, but I wanted to post an update. Have a great night y'all!

Hey all, gut voch. I had a fall today after 18 days clean. I didn't look porn, but I did masturbate. I was/am having some pretty bad insomnia. I think because I slept way too much these past few days. I'm obviously not happy about the fall, but I'm also celebrating these past 18 days clean. It's not my biggest streak my any means, but I know that during these past 18 days I faced many challenges and overcame them. Falling once does not mean I am weak or not able to control myself. I won many more battles than I lost. So, I don't feel too good, I'm also stressed about still being up... However, I think I should not stress about the insomnia. The body will sleep when it really needs to. I also chose to fight these past 18 days. One fall doesn't take that away. So, to the future now I suppose. Onwards and upwards. 

You most definitely should celebrate the 18 days. In addition, celebrate that Bh you have avoided pornography despite the challenging matzav. Your eyes will iyh see the Chanukah licht differently because you have protected them. Keep them clean, and keep the cheshbon of "clean eyes" days continuing....

Just wanted to post an update for the chevra.  BH, doing well.  Today was my first day quitting vaping for good.  As the saying goes, I'm very good at quitting, I've done it hundreds of times Anyways, felt much better physically without it. I also feel better about myself that I'm not dependent on yet another thing. Not actively counting days this wec, because I think some hesech hadaas is important so that I don't reduce my self worth to a certain number of days I've been clean. Just wanted to check in and not do a disappearing act after my recent fall. Have a great night y'all!

What are you replacing vaping with? Obviously vaping (and other habits) helped you relieve stress and other emotional pain. Exercise is usually a good choice.