@AlexEliezer
Thanks so much, thats definitely something that can be added to the list. I always heard of surrendering the lust, but until you just described it in the way you did, I never really understood what to do.

If I got it correctly, I have to say to Hashem and ask him to deal with my desires, because I can't to it alone. YOU are the source of all thoughts and feelings, and it is only YOU that can truly help me in this situation.
(Is this correct method of "surrendering")

@Starting
Thank you. Hopefully I'll be able to keep them, one of the biggest things for me was the "Safe Space", having my room to go to, and knowing that there is nothing I ever have to really worry about in there is relaxing. It's a place that I can always run to. (What used to be a place of falling, is now my safe haven)

p.s. I had to Google KUTGW (thought it was a random GYE chat abbreviation or something)

Singularity wrote on 03 May 2020 04:01:

@Singularity, your pretty insightful, if you look at my original story (https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/312249-I-Need-To-Stop), theres a lot going on thats much deeper than the struggle itself. Technically I'm treating the symptoms(small wins) of symptoms(breaking through addiction) of a much larger problem(mental health) that I'm trying to work through. This list isn't implying that working on myself stops at my Gedarim for shmiras eynayim/bris, trust me, if I want to see real success the work is going to go much much deeper.
​For this list though, I'm dealing with one issue specifically, but at the same time I am working on mental health with a professional. A long long time ago I was adamant about not going to a professional, Rebeim were my outlet (even though I didn't tell them about about this struggle.) Then I crashed further than even thought I could, and I would give anything for sustained health (mental + physical), THERE IS NO BETTER INVESTMENT. Since then along with everything else I'm working at what I believe is a high level.

And just a not to all those that are scared of seeing a mental professional, I get you. Until my close friend divulged that he really needed that type of help, I thought that only "sick people" got that type of help, and people beyond fixing used that "as last straw". (Although this is also true), it doesn't mean that your messed up because you need some help to get through life. Whatever your going through (especially these inyanim), there is nothing more part of your avodas Hashem to invest more into your mental health. And I promise ITS NOT AS SCARY AS IT SEEMS, once you get everything off your chest, it feels freeing, and you can finally begin working forwards instead of backwards. From a person who never wanted to speak to anyone, please trust me, and help yourself and those around you. There is only to gain. 
My experiences were both form a jewish and secular perspective. The psychologist had 2 switches, when I wanted to here that Hashem loved me, he had all of the sources in the world (he's breslov). When I didn't want to hear any of that and just wanted practical advice he flipped that switch on. BH I can say for myself that even though Im not fully past this yet, I don't know where I would be without it.


p.s. If anyone else has any further questions about speaking to a professional, or advise on how to work with someone (I am no proffesional) please feel free to private message me.

Thank you for that
The stigma associated with getting help with mental health is very harmful to both those with and without the bravery to take the plunge.

DAY 1
There is something about Shabbos that just gets me in reset mode. (My Rav talks about the Neshama Yesaira). I was able to get out and drive grandpa to the bank, which was maybe the first time I got out in the whole week, hopefully ill be able to take advantage of outside more.


DAY 2
It is a little difficult to keep up with the schedule, and one of the reasons I think so is because Sunday is considered a real work day now that I'm in Yeshiva. It doesn't as much feel like a full weekend break. Although Shabbos is much more fulfilling, the rest of the week is difficult. For some reason on Shabbos I tend to wake up much much later than during the week. I think this is because I don't have much to do right away. Generally, I also want to start getting out of bed a bit earlier.

DAY 3!!!!
I felt it yesterday also, being trapped in my own head, and being naturally led almost to a bad mood. BH I was able to handle it so well. I was cranky and not in the mood to really do anything, but then when sister and brotheinlaw came, I ended up pretty much taking a day off from Yeshiva. I had a good dinner, played some guitar, and also basketball for the first time in a while, which was pretty enjoyable. I think the moods that I am feeling may be an effect to Thursday when I had 4 setbacks (duh). Yet, even though I felt the effects (slight anxiety, shaking, fear, lonely) I just dealt with it and just let it pass, which was really really cool. Even though Masturbation and porn were the first thing I would have ran to, since I made the Neder it wasn't really an option, so I just had to sit there, and deal with it. The loneliness, although strong, was pretty apparent and out there, it wasn't an alien feeling, and I just let it come out, until it finally passed.

Gonna continue with this streak, which will hopefully be my last time on day 1. I attribute a lot of this success to when I earlier boosted my confidence after the fall. Before the mental effects and self blame even hit, I went strait to GYE and GOT BACK ON THE HORSE. Once I was already on it, I might swell stay even if I feel bad, and now at this point, I am exactly where I want to be.

p.s. Making that Shvua right after does wonders, Im now sure how kosher I would be without it.


Lechayim, to day 3.

DAY 4

From the beginning of the day I was feeling really anxious and upset. I felt lonely after spending time with my sister and brother in law, and overall was not in the mood for shiur the entire day.
Things just didn't seem to go my way, when I was replacing my guitar strings a new one broke, and that just got me really upset. Plus I was on the computer pretty much the whole day so I was jittery as well. I wanted to watch porn and masturbate, and I for sure would have had it not been for my shvua. It was the first thing that came to mind every me I even thought of looking at anything not kosher.
Eventually after going through my day, I spoke to my mom and decided it was a good time to take a break. 1.5+ hours later of watching spongebob on TV, I felt like a new man. All the anxieties were away, and I felt back to normal. 
I felt a lot of appreciation for my mom, especially after the dinner she made, and for listening to me. 
Today was a perfect example of AZ BE NORMAL (I can't be too restrictive of myself). I just can't let myself go and be stupid.

Awesome!!!
#AzBeNormalNation

Dialectics: The ability to work through all possible facts, and even to a point where they contradict, understand that they still both have the ability to be a truth.

At the same time I understand that I (me) never ever want to watch porn or masturbate ever again, I also have to understand that in the current situation I'm in the odds are heavily against me. Being home, with all of the devices around me, I am constantly in danger of falling because its so easy. Im working on the internals and trying to work on lasting freedom, but in reality, the reality that I'm dealing with now, the odds are heavily against me. 
I can't be too hard on myself, especially when there has been A LOT of progress. Im working hard at this, to a level that I really haven't in a long while. Im committed and I'm growing. Several months ago, I wouldn't get out of bed, now I'm out every morning. Several months ago, I would masturbate and watch porn in binges (multiple) times a week, now its closer to twice every two weeks. Several months ago I would have let a fall take over my week, and splurge to an extent where it had the potential to mess up a whole week, now a binge is more controlled, I can still go to sleep on time tat night and not overeat. Several months ago if I was agitated, I would run to escape, now Iive in my head with my thoughts, and sometimes even enjoy it. 
Several months ago I didn't think I had free choice, so I didn't, now I know I have free choice, and I do.

So I'm still committed, and still haven't fell completely off the horse, I know what I have in front of me, I just want to figure out what I can do better, even if it's just a little.

So now what? What am I going to do differently this time?
Thats the only thing I have to question.

Nice post bro. Just a thought that you may find useful: I don't change my strategy every time I fall. That isn't practical. Sometimes you just need to get up and not think too much. 

Ya, you are very right. The ikur is for me to reset not revamp. Yet, at the same time I want to see if I can do anything better... Or not:)

Ihavestrength wrote on 07 May 2020 01:24:

LOVE IT! When I relapse it's not always coz I'm doing something fundamentally wrong, it's because I'm sick and that's what I naturally do. Duh

After being clean the rest of the day yesterday, and those naps that I took, I had a nice amount of time to think about where I am and where I wat to go. Hashkaficly I'm trying to figure out my real and true purpose in life. After hearing from shmoozim Rav Binyamin and Rav Eytan, I have a lot of content to sort through and work out.
To sum of up Rav Binyamin: ask yourself, what are your morals and ideals, and are you living with them. He brought an example of how we wouldn't bring a non-Jew into our house if he started speaking profanity, so why do we let him in... Through the tv and radio and Internet. We can't say that these things don't effect us, and if we wouldn't tolerate it if someone spoke about a woman's body like that in front of us, why should we listen to someone sing about it... kal vechomer willfully turn it on to hear and enjoy it? Obviously it's difficult for us, since we grew up with it, but no one said it's going to easy.
Regarding Rav Eytan, he spoke about living in the present. And how about people are always looking for ways to run away from discomfort. What separates the men from the boys is being able be sane and content in any moment, no matter what happens. You can still feel feelings, you should still feel feelings, but at the same time that you shouldn't run away from your experience,  you shouldn't let it overtake you. In terms of Avodas Hashem, I have to understand that there is nothing more freeing than being chained to a rebbe, and to Hashem.

This is the real purpose in our lives, doing chested learning Torah, even though it may seem hard or not easy (no one said it is) it is the only thing that will bring you to joy and real true freedom. So by running away and procrastinating,  your just making your life more difficult. 
One more important point that I have figured about myself is that in some way I'm afraid of a strong commitment, and working myself mentally or physically  hard or test my limits. This is because it was extreme intensity that brought me to a big depression, so I stay away from that. But now that I realize, by seeing that Hashem and his Torah are the only true truth, true joy, true freedom, then by investing myself, even to a large extent, is going to make me feel more free and alive (and not bring me to a depression like last time). Especially Now that I've learned what  I have learned I am more equipped to make smarter choices. 

Also I have to understand that there are really no goals in life, only one goal, and that is to get close to Hashem. Every letter of Torah, second of chessed, and moment of working on or through my taivas gets me closer. All I have to do is get closer in that moment, that is my only avoda, and I don't have to worry about what I will do now and for the future. As long as I'm working in that moment, there are NO TAINAS to be made against me. 


One moment at a time... Shiviti Hashem Linegdi Tamid 
Good Shabbos to all!!!

Last night I did a lot of writing in my journal, and I'm almost gonna end soon, after a about a full year of keeping my thoughts in this journal. It's pretty exciting. The main topic last night was about Hashkafa, and myapeoach to life... And how it seems that I'm leaning towards the more strict philosophies of Judaism...

Does that mean it's true, that unless I do that I won't feel I'm doing full Judaism? No one said it will be easy, but it is a lot to take on. Is this who I am? Cause once this is figured out I pretty much have a derech, it just has to be refined.

Basically the point I'm at is that I believe in Hashem and that He wrote the Torah which is Emes. The goal of life is to get close to Him by following the Torah (Learning, and practicing at all available times). Then I get to the more difficult questions, like do I never watch tv again or list me to the radio. Obviously in small steps, but is that where I will end up? 

Now that hat I think about it though, it's not as stressful as I thought. I'm just going to take small strides under the Hadracha of my Rebbeim, and I guess we'll just see where that takes me. 

"There is nothing more freeing than being chained to a Rav"

Nice outlook, I'd just take it easy on myself, like major hashkofa changes usually don't stick and more or less would lead to me acting out when I get frustrated at all of it.

@sing that's at really great point, for now it's really only been positive, but I definitely need to take small steps. If I go too far too fast then it will end up not being as successful then if I take it much more slowly. 

Also just a side note, I really love the fact that you pretty much reply to everyone on every forum, don't know how you get it done, but to see you all over the place, and then see you again in my personal page... It really means a lot. 
Just thought you should know the good your doing.