Day 44
Lost track of what day is was but decided I could use a boost

Where I'm at:
Its nice to see that my mind doesn't wander to p&m as automatically, and there are days that have gone by without it so much crossing my mind.
On the other hand, there are times that I find myself on the edge dangerously familiar patterns of thought. I can usually notice when this happens and slowly back away, but I realize I'm not far from the edge of an icy slope. 

The longer I stay clean the more apathetic I become towards the 90 day thing. Ive had a longer streak than what I'm at now, but im definitely doing better now than I was when I was at sixty-something days.
Basically, the streak is a byproduct of the goal, not the goal itself.

Anyhow I think I'll stick to posting on Sundays unless I feel it would be smarter to come back earlier.

Thanks yall for the encouragement. Really appreciate it!

jj123

Hey Jj123!

It's sooooo good to hear that you are doing well! You are right that it isn't just about the 90 days, but about how working on getting to 90 days forces us to be healthier people! 

It sounds like you are doing really great and it is very smart to come post even when things are well!

Keep up the great work and we are here if you need us!

Day 51
Still going strong. Definitely gradually having less "dirty thoughts" which is very welcomed. I still become arouses occasionally, but my mind doesn't immediately jump to p&m. The habit is definitely weakening, faster I'd say than the strength of the taavah. Obviously don't expect the taavah to disappear, only hope for it to be under control.
This one post a week thing+taphsic have really helped. There is a real magic to creating space while maintaining structure.
Thanks for the support!
jj123

Great going JJ, keep up the great work! If I may say so, I was exactly at your spot a while ago. "Not caring" about the 90 days, which is great and it is the right attitude in my opinion. Urges were pretty weak and I had the right attitude which is, I don't need this shmutz today or any other day, or x days from now and it's great to not to fret about it all the time. That being said a word of caution, the urges can come back very strongly, as they did for me, so just a word of advice, keep coming here and be as agressive in the shemiras eyinaim as when you began. I started faltering a bit in the shmiras eyinaim and the urges got pretty strong.

Day 58
Another good week. 
With selichos starting, I'm very happy to not have this at the forefront of my mind, like so many years past. I don't I'm at a stage where I'm ready to focus on my many falls and ask mechilah for them. Maybe next year. This year I can daven for continued success, and not to worry I have many other areas to work on as well. My point is just that I don't have it eating at me.

One other thing I'd like to share:
If me last year asked me now how I should approach the yamim noraim in terms of this area, I wouldn't say to make Kabbalos not to p&m ever again, or to daven for mechilah for all my falls, or smash my smartphone, or to beat myself up. In my experience, all if those things aren't the path to growth. I wasn't ready to make an honest kabbalah. I wasn't ready to ask for mechilah. Getting rid of my smartphone would have been an impulsive mistake. And I sure wasn't ever and still am not ready to beat myself up over it (and that's not a bad thing I think).

I'd tell myself to make 1 commitment. Just one.

I'd tell myself "take the time to think honestly and deeply, to see if this is really what you want to do. If it's not, don't waste your effort on stage 2. It won't help. You've got more basic work to do. If it is what you want, tell Hashem one thing. More importantly, tell yourself one thing:

'No matter how badly I fall, no matter how often, I will get up.' "

And what does "get up" mean? It doesn't mean to have extra kavvanah during selach lanu, or to "push through" or to make an impulsive choice. It means to go back to the drawing board, look at the plan and strategies I've implemented, and think what, if anything, needs to be changed. Is there a trigger I'm not aware of? Did I let myself slip, which snowballed? Should I get a filter? Is there a loophole in my filter I need to close? Am I armed with all the info I could use, like smart recovery, taphsic, mentors etc and all the other strategies and resources available to me? Have I thought about and chosen which will work best for me? Should I tweak or add to my plan?

Its so easy to fall into the trap of taking the easy path- the kabbalos and mechilah and impulsive decisions. Yes, in the short term, I'd feel good I did it, and think I've made a real change. But that isn't how it works. It might feel as if I'm doing what I'm supposed to during this time of year, but its not. I'd fall flat on my face. Every. Single. Time.

And that's it. For the whole yamim noraim. If you want to do above and beyond, think about the above before you fall. But that's already extra credit.

All it takes is thought, patience, and courage, with a sprinkling of self control.


This is probably my last post until after rosh hashanah, so kesivah vichasima tova to all!

This community along with it's resources has been a tremendous help for me this past year, so thank you everyone. Its crazy to think how all of you make time to help me, an anonymous person, anonomously. I can assure you that you have made quite a difference.

It isn't over yet, but I sure have come quite a way this past year.
​
Until next time,
jj123

If i may comment on what you wrote with my opinion - Your point about impulsive kabbalos may be true, however some of those kabbalos should eventually be made with yishuv hadaas when you are ready. As a mashal - Hikers need many tools and different types of equipment as they encounter different challenges along the way.

Hey Jj, first of all, it's awesome to see your doing well. You are a real warrior, keep fighting!

Your feelings that you describe here mirrors my journey perfectly, year in year out making promises, kaballos and crying to Hashem that I will never do it again. Year in, year out, Rosh Hashanah is just emotional roller coaster because I know it's just the same garbage as last year.

Hashem want's change. He also want's you to beg for forgiveness, life happiness and so on but doing Teshuva means to change and whatever does it for you, that's what He is waiting to see. 

Lets keep strong.

Wilnevergiveup

Hi,
Thanks for the responses. Wanted to take the time to reply before Rosh Hashanah, so here it goes:

@HashemHelpMe
Agreed for the most part. Being settled and thought through when making the kabbalah is so important, because without that, in my experience, I'll break it the 3rd or 4th time it gets tough, and then just give up on it.

Also, different strategies and Kabbalos work for different people, and each person has to be super honest with themselves in figuring out what they actually need. In my personal experience, more exteme does not automatically equal better or more helpful. More thoughtful, honest and calculated does.


@Willnevergiveup
I agree that eventually Hashem wants us to focus on forgiveness, and that mechilah for our chata'im is obviously very important because we don't want sins on our ledger, and more importantly because we need to mend our relationship with Him. 

From experience, sincerely asking mechilah for a cheit that I am knee deep in isn't productive in the long run, because it makes me feel like I'm more or less clean, and then when I fall I feel like I am back in square one (which is true to some extent if there was nothing done beyond asking mechilah).
Additionally, asking mechilah for a cheit you can't honestly promise to not ever do again, and will most probably repeat, is a tricky business.

It is far more productive to say nothing at all, or, if I can manage it, sincerely something like this.
"I am addicted to p&m and have sinned alot and it has led to a growing distance from You. The addiction is my fault and I am doing (((see above post))) to help myself. I know that getting clean is a journey, and I will most likely fall again, maybe once, maybe twice, maybe twenty or one hundred times, before fully coming clean. But I am committed to making every mistake into a moment of self reflection and a call to tweak my plan of action, if necessary. And I know that progress and mistakes aren't mutually exclusive. So I ask forgiveness for getting myself into this spot in the first place, and for all of the bad it has led to. Please give me the strength, patience and wisdom to help me get myself out of it"

Some might consider this a defeatist attitude in a sense, but I say that it is realistic optimism. In past years, I have flip floped so many times between thinking that I've already basically become clean (after a small clean stretch) and that there is no chance I ever succeed (after a fall or series of falls).

I ask all veteran GYEers: what percentage of people who come to this site, even without a strong addiction, never fall again from the day they start? How many who come with that attitude are still coming back after their 3rd fall?



Wishing us all a kesivah vichasima tova, and year full of deep, gradual growth in this area and any other area that we choose to work on improving ourselves.

Thanks @jj123 for the post and for the brocha.

I have been lurking and following these forums for a lot of years, I still remember the old site with the GUE URL, before it became GYE. I guess I can be considered a veteran.

I've noticed some people who are doing well with their streaks from day 1, who have strong resolve or will to keep going. While there are other, like me for example, who still have slips and falls. However, personally I've grown tremendously over the years, by working on my triggers, namely resentment, stress, not having proper faith in Hashem, etc...

I try not to focus on this topic, and I am far from ready to work on Teshuvah or more properly defined as Tikkun. I do pray and ask Hashem to protect me from Nisyoinos and to give me the strength to overcome them.

I find your atittute very positive.
May you be blessed with a good year.

I know I came to the site years ago and didn't break clean, then came back a got really far but had a month or two lapse, but now BH I am at 287 days strong.

As far as the mechila thing - It is a superb question/point! How can we ask mechila for something that we know we will do again when Rosh Hashana/Y''k is over?? 

I want to mention 2 points to ponder...

What if in the moment on Rosh Hashana and Y''k you really feel honestly like you never want to do it again. You know you said it before and it didn't happen, but in this moment you feel so close to Hashem that all you want is to not sin again. Don't you think Hashem wants to hear you tell him how much you love him and that you will try your utmost best not to sin against him again? Wouldn't it be such a wasted opportunity to not tell how you really feel on the holy of holies? 

On a slightly different track and similar to the way you mentioned, you should also think about where you can ask mechila on your level. Your right that it is a journey and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. But in the journey did you give it all you could? Instead of falling every day, maybe once a week you could have really not sinned and you did. Maybe one time you could have avoided a stumbling block and you knowingly didn't? Even on everyone's individual level there are things we can strive to do better and ask forgiveness. 

Teshuva is a gift to come closer to Hashem! Make sure to use to get real close, and then Hashem will surely help you succeed! 

Ksiva Vchasima Tovah!   

I second REM,

Forget about P&M, look at the YK Machzor, particularly the al chet section. We say the same things every year, we robbed, we gossiped, we lied, etc etc. Why do we say sorry for these things and on the next year we have to do it all again? Aren't we lying?
So I appreciate what REM says, we feel like we're ready and sincerely want to stop.
There's also another level to that, what about the guy who really didn't do some or all of the sins in the machzor, e.g. a super tzadik rebbe? or even a common person for that matter, he didn't do ALL the sins described, yet he mentions them all. The answer I heard is that our previous level of shemira in that mitzva from last year is "chet" compared to your situation now and you should always keep improving. We must do teshuva as some sort of "upgrade" on our shmiras mitzvos.
Long story short: we can do teshuva for something we might mess up later. After all we are human and are prone to fail not only in P&M but in any mitzva for that matter. Either way, I understand the concept of  "teshuva" might be counter productive to some, perhaps myself included, e.g. feeling remorse and whatnot.

Hi hope everyone had a productive and uplifting Rosh Hashanah!
First off I wanted to thank you all for the thoughtful responses. I was thinking about the points people touched on, and at the end of the day, I think what both @snowflake and @lionking said/implied about each person focusing on what works best for him is very important. (If I'm putting words in your mouth, please correct me.)
@rem's approach in this particular area, for example, worked for him even if it didn't for me, and vica versa. Neither of us are "wrong" per se, though if we used each other's approach that would be "wrong".
(Maybe this is part of gye's magic, that there are all sorts of people here with many different approaches, which all but ensures that a searching person can find something that works for them.)

Anyhow...
@Day 66
Overall still going strong. Sometimes I'll have to actively stop my mind from wandering, but I'm usually pretty good with that.
I have to work on staying consistent with my excersice, and not letting myself go to sleep to late. At this point mostly precaution, as I see it as a path toward the slippery slope.
The last thing I have to improve in is that last week I didn't keep to my once a week gye rule, which I don't think is such a good idea for me at this point.

Hope to check in again on Motzei shabbos

Gmar chasima tovah!

Day 72
Wow these numbers are getting pretty big. ​I guess I'm starting to see the utility in counting streaks  To think that I haven't fell in 2.5 months is really nuts.... In a way the behavior seems so much closer than that...

This week honestly hasn't been my best. A few slips, one of them pretty bad. When I feel isolated and unmotivated it's very tough for me, and it's been really hard.
I'm trying to make an effort to be more connected, so hopefully that'll help. But still, it ain't easy.
I'll try to post again halfway through the week. 

Wishing everyone a gmar chasima tovah

Just slipped badly. I felt like I can't give in and I can't not give in at the same time. Was able to ride it through, but just barely.
I really need to stop with this behavior or it's just a matter of time before I fall...

Sometimes I hate this. 

I was thinking about it some more and it seems that limited social interactions are really causing me trouble.
I need to remind myself that that requires a clean bandage, not a dirty bandaid.