I just started my streak and am only at day 1 pushing for 2
If you can do it I know I can too BH
Its really amazing to me you,re at 80 days and with all your going through.
Keep strong 
I hope your wife realizes your a good guy and fighting is part of growing and your winning

im-ready wrote on 23 Dec 2019 21:09:

Hi Pickamoniker

I have not been on gye for a couple of months- not at all. I have had a couple ups and downs and then kind of gave up. One of the things that kept me from getting back onto the forums and trying to stay clean was that I happen to have a lot of free time this year. I gave in easily to the yetzer hara that told me “right now it’s gonna be too hard, because you’ll always be bored and will never be able to stay clean” and I listened to that argument- because honestly it would be really really hard for me. The last time I had some success with staying clean was through staying very busy. So I just decided to not care right now. 

But then I read your thread...

i just read through your whole thread for the first time. I am crying. Literal tears. I am beyond words to describe the wonder that I see in your fight. To go through what you are going through - and still fight. I mean, I can’t even imagine the pain and agony you are facing on a daily basis - and yet you’re still fighting - AND WINNING!!!

I don’t know how and I don’t know what but I am making a commitment here tonight to come up with a game plan to get back on Gye and fight on.  NOW. If you can do it with everything you got going on, I have no excuse. 

I only ask that you can please give me a bracha that, with Hashem’s help, I can once again shake off the dust and get up - because you are a gadol in my book. A freilichin chanukah 

p.s. Thank you to “yesiwill” who has never given up on me. It was because of his recent email that I decided to look at these forums. 

Onceandforall wrote on 24 Dec 2019 23:50:

If you want additionally chizuk, remember that I have not watched any movies since your post in the summer.  As you've noted, even watching "clean" movies makes the fight that much more difficult.  Know that you have a share in my staying clean.  So, as you can see, posting and participating on the forum not only helps you, but helps the other members on the GYE forum. 

Yes! David M, I totally agree!

I literally came to this thread because I was hoping to get chizzuk from Pickamoniker.  Of course I also still got it from the new posts by other members. anyway we would love to hear an update and I hope everything is swell....We are rooting for you!!

Pickamoniker,
How's it going? I hope and pray that everything works out well for you and your family.

Hi Everyone

I'm back; I haven't been at work over Chanuka much and I generally access this site from my work computer.

I hope you all had a nice Chanuka and are enjoying the final hours of it. I had a mostly very nice Chanuka; I was at home throughout. My wife took the kids away for a couple of days, but otherwise we were together mostly, which was nice - almost a return to normality for a week.

I just had to leave home again though now as since Chanuka is now over my wife wants to return to the seperation. It was extremely painful for me to leave once again, saying goodbye to my kids and wife. I asked her once again if she was willing to try something else but she refused again (although she did say how nice it has been with me around, but she seems to have made her decision and it doesn't appear that there is anything I can do about it). I'm really not feeling very good about things right now and am once again feeling very alone and abandoned.

Lust-wise there have been ups and downs. There have been days in a row where I have hardly felt any challenge at all. It is really nice when those happen as I can get to enjoy (or at least experience) life without that distraction. But then there have been days and times where the challenge and urges are so strong it almost feels like there is an unbearable desire to just give in and fantasise / think about lust. Thank Gd I have not given in to these urges even once. Each time is a challenge and feels unbearable, but I know it is not unbearable, just really difficult.

Thank you everyone for keeping this thread alive. While I haven't logged on in a while I do get email notifications when someone posts to the thread and it has been a real motivator to see people's messages come through on my phone while I have been 'away'. Wishing you all continued success.

Hi all

Day 114, still clean. I woke up last night half way through some sort of lust dream (I don't remember the details), and automatically stopped the thought process. I'm pretty happy about that as I was so half asleep that I don't even remember what time it was or what I was dreaming, but my semi-subconscious mind still did what needed to be done in stopping the thoughts in their tracks.

On the down side, I have been really sad over the past day, being back alone and away from my wife and kids. I am missing them all and missing being at home.

Sorry to hear about your family situation. 
Please excuse my enquiry?
Have you and wife tried counseling or therapy? It sounds like part of your wife wants to remain together while the other part is conflicted.

Keep up taking care of your side of the street. You are a tremendous chizuk for me.

What is happening in shomayim? One can only imagine. There must be a gathering of awe-struck malachim looking down at our chaver pickamonkier in complete disbelief. How does a basar v'dam who was exposed to all the shmutz and is going through such trauma, stay clean? No kosher outlet, not even a hug! Rejection, stress, sadness - all the major triggers! And it's so easy to give in!

Chaver, as with all of us who don't know what tomorrow may bring, the last chapter has yet to be written. We all daven that this saga conclude with heaping doses of brocho, simcha, and menuchas hanefesh for you and all who are dear to you. Meanwhile the zchusim you are racking up for Klal Yisroel must be beyond description. You are a hero and inspiration for everyone. If we meet one day, I will lower my head in front of you and ask you to bench me. Please daven for all of us. Your tefilos probably go straight to the kisei ha-kavod. Hatzlocha buddy!

Onceandforall wrote on 24 Dec 2019 23:50:

i second that! im so floored and i feel so small to even comment here i just want to say that pickamonker inspires me. thanks. please hang in there! your truly incredible! btw it was asked before if you have a rebbi that your close with. i know you mentioned friends but do you think a rebbi would provide an additional angle of support? obviously an understanding one, in terms of all the variables. if not do you think its worth it for you to get one? maybe to reach out to someone you trust to assist you with that?
please excuse this comment if im way off. i truly wish the best for you and will bln daven for you. hatzlacha and may Hashem send you a yeshua!

Hi All



Day 116 - still clean, although it has been a really tough past 24 hours.



I feel totally drained and haven't got much to say right now. Thanks for all your messages. We did therapy three years ago when I first told my wife about this problem, so she's not interested in that again. Yes I have a rabbi, and he is fully aware of the situation. He says there is not much more he can do and ultimately my wife has the right to make her decision.



My wife and I had another couple of conversations yesterday and she made it clear that we are going to get divorced. I don't think there is much more I can do other than pray. Last night was so tough; I woke up at 4.30 am so desperate to act out. There was noone I could call at that time, so I texted a few friends and tried to sleep, but ended up awake until now so I am exhausted. Thankfully I didn't give in to the incredibly powerful urge to fantasise or act out. For the record, I am happy I didn't.



Have a great day all.

At 4:30 your time you can reach us Yankees. Also many of us (including me) put our phones out of hearing distance by night so you can call and get it all out onto a message that you know will iyh be heard. It appears everyone here wants to help you. Please use us when necessary.....

Hi All

117 - still clean

Yesterday was tough, but eventually the urges did blow over. It's a very important lesson for me that no matter how hard it seems and however sensible it seems to just give up, my attitude and feelings will change and the urges will subside in time.

This brings me to a personal bugbear of mine. I have been in SA for a number of years, and there is a big thing there (and here to some extent) of being "powerless" over the addiction. Now I don't pretend to know what each individual means when using that word, but for me it always meant that I have no control over the addiction and was a subtle way of me abdicating responsibility for my own sobriety (maybe recovery too). What this led to is when the going got tough, and I mean really tough, like yesterday, it was one additional factor in me "giving in". Now to be clear, I am not blaming SA, GYE or anyone else for my addiction, slow recovery or anything else. My recovery is solely my responsibility. If something is not working for me it is my responsibility to identify that thing and change my approach if necessary. However the fact is that I did get "comfortable" in my cycle of addiction for a long time and I did use the "excuse" of being powerless as part of that cycle.

I now believe that difficult as it is to remain sober (and believe me, I am not underestimating the difficulty that it can present), it is my choice whether I want to be sober or not and it is my responsibility (to myself, not to anyone else) to take the necessary actions to implement that decision. I'm not for one second saying that this means I will never fall again. Quite the opposite, I have no idea whether I will or will not. It simply means that if I want to then it is possible and doable; whether I actually do it in the end or not is not something I can tell in advance (and maybe that is what is meant by being powerless, but it's not the message I got). It's a little bit like running a marathon (or maybe triathlon, iron man?). If I chose to run a marathon this time next year, no doubt it is doable. It would be difficult to train for, and there is a good chance I would give up half way through. But it is an achievable goal should it be something I choose to do. Of course I can't just turn up and expect to run the marathon without training. I would need to put in concerted and regular effort and go through a whole lot of pain. But to me to say I am "powerless" over the process would simply not be helpful (or true) for me.

Now I'm not saying that anyone else should drop that approach. Certainly not if it works for you. But for me I know it was not a helpful way of looking at things and I'm really glad that I have a fresh approach to help me through the current difficulties in my life. I'm not big into suggesting what others should do as I hardly have the greatest track record myself and everyone had there own unique challenges and different things appear to be helpful for different people (and at different times). So please do feel free to ignore anything I say if it is not personally helpful to you. Only you can know that.

At some point I may do a more comprehensive post on what I am doing to stay sober (and why, which is a big part of it), but I think I'll leave it at that for this post. I feel way too preachy already and really don't want to get too big for my own boots.

Have a great Shabbos everyone.

You feel too preachy?!?! We are thirsty for every word you write tzaddik! You obviously do not realize who you are. Please preach more!!!!!