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A new experience - lust free sobriety
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!
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TOPIC: A new experience - lust free sobriety 184 Views

A new experience - lust free sobriety 06 Nov 2019 10:45 #344935

  • pickamoniker
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I'm on day 59. It has been a long while since I have been clean for this long, and I don't think any of my previous streaks have been this clean.

I have finally admitted that I am totally addicted not just to acting out online, but to sexual fantasy of any type. As such I can't even afford to dwell or think about acting out etc.

It has been a pretty difficult couple of months, both from the side of dealing with lust, but also from a family side with my wife deciding she can no longer take being with me and therefore me having separated from her (a week and a half ago). Dealing with the loneliness and sense of failiure has been pretty tough.

Re: A new experience - lust free sobriety 06 Nov 2019 14:11 #344938

  • Dave M
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I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through very challenging moments.  Do you have a Rav/Rebbe/Mentor that you can go to for guidance in this difficult chapter?

Re: A new experience - lust free sobriety 06 Nov 2019 14:53 #344939

  • pickamoniker
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Hey Dave

I have a bunch of friends from SA that are helping me though. I am so grateful I do as I would feel so isolated otherwise.

Guidance wise there is little for me to do other than concentrate on recovery and see what happens.

Re: A new experience - lust free sobriety 06 Nov 2019 15:05 #344940

  • Dave M
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That's good to hear.  I'H everything will work out. 

Re: A new experience - lust free sobriety 11 Nov 2019 10:09 #345058

  • pickamoniker
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Brief update on this. I'm now a little past 2 months (on 64 days). The past couple of days have been particularly difficult as the idea of just scrapping it all and going back to act out has been very strong. Yesterday I had to battle that idea hard and long repeatedly.

I keep reminding myself that the thoughts are just an obsession and don't represent actual reality. I will think differently in time and will be happy I didn't dwell on them. I also remind myself that even imagining acting out is a lost cause as it will inevitably look attractive and I won't see any of the downsides. So if I catch myself thinking about it I end it immediately.

From experience, month three of abstention is a particularly difficult one. The obsession has not cleared the system, but the desperation to change is beginning to wear off. Keeping up motivation at this point is vital.

Re: A new experience - lust free sobriety 18 Nov 2019 12:51 #345206

  • pickamoniker
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I'm having a really hard time today. I feel extremely lonely and sad. I met my wife yesterday for the first time in weeks in order to discuss what the next step is. Somewhere deep in my heart I think I really thought that she would say let's give it another try. But she didn't. She basically said that she sees no way that our marriage can work again as she can't live with the constant fear of me acting out etc.
It was such a painful meeting. While before I had a time-frame in my mind for things to work out, now I have lost that and really feel abandoned and alone.
But despite that I am sober today. The idea of going back to lusting and acting out passed my mind (several times) but I know it won't solve or help my situation at all.

Re: A new experience - lust free sobriety 18 Nov 2019 13:55 #345207

  • Dave M
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I'm so sorry to hear that.  That is very disappointing.  It is at these times that we are most vulnerable to the Y"H.  It a very impressive you were able to stay clean.  I just davaned to Hashem to help you get past this challenging situation.

Re: A new experience - lust free sobriety 18 Nov 2019 14:32 #345208

  • pickamoniker
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Thank you Dave
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