I'm on day 59. It has been a long while since I have been clean for this long, and I don't think any of my previous streaks have been this clean.

I have finally admitted that I am totally addicted not just to acting out online, but to sexual fantasy of any type. As such I can't even afford to dwell or think about acting out etc.

It has been a pretty difficult couple of months, both from the side of dealing with lust, but also from a family side with my wife deciding she can no longer take being with me and therefore me having separated from her (a week and a half ago). Dealing with the loneliness and sense of failiure has been pretty tough.

I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through very challenging moments.  Do you have a Rav/Rebbe/Mentor that you can go to for guidance in this difficult chapter?

Hey Dave

I have a bunch of friends from SA that are helping me though. I am so grateful I do as I would feel so isolated otherwise.

Guidance wise there is little for me to do other than concentrate on recovery and see what happens.

That's good to hear.  I'H everything will work out. 

Brief update on this. I'm now a little past 2 months (on 64 days). The past couple of days have been particularly difficult as the idea of just scrapping it all and going back to act out has been very strong. Yesterday I had to battle that idea hard and long repeatedly.

I keep reminding myself that the thoughts are just an obsession and don't represent actual reality. I will think differently in time and will be happy I didn't dwell on them. I also remind myself that even imagining acting out is a lost cause as it will inevitably look attractive and I won't see any of the downsides. So if I catch myself thinking about it I end it immediately.

From experience, month three of abstention is a particularly difficult one. The obsession has not cleared the system, but the desperation to change is beginning to wear off. Keeping up motivation at this point is vital.

I'm having a really hard time today. I feel extremely lonely and sad. I met my wife yesterday for the first time in weeks in order to discuss what the next step is. Somewhere deep in my heart I think I really thought that she would say let's give it another try. But she didn't. She basically said that she sees no way that our marriage can work again as she can't live with the constant fear of me acting out etc.
It was such a painful meeting. While before I had a time-frame in my mind for things to work out, now I have lost that and really feel abandoned and alone.
But despite that I am sober today. The idea of going back to lusting and acting out passed my mind (several times) but I know it won't solve or help my situation at all.

I'm so sorry to hear that.  That is very disappointing.  It is at these times that we are most vulnerable to the Y"H.  It a very impressive you were able to stay clean.  I just davaned to Hashem to help you get past this challenging situation.

Thank you Dave

Day 74. I thought I would post a brief update.
My home situation hasn't improved. I actually spoke to my wife today who said as far as she is concerned she doesn't see this separation being short term at all. She is happy to be separated from the pain of my addiction.
Lust wise it has been going quite a bit better recently. Every now and then the idea of going back to lusting comes back into my mind, but it hasn't recently been as forceful as it has been historically and I haven't been giving it space in my mind to fester. I remind myself that it is a route only to pain and that it is totally incompatible with my marriage so if I do want my marriage to last then lust can't be on the table at all.
Progressing up the 90 day board has also been quite a motivator and I really do believe that getting to 90 should be possible. I am trying to remain vigilant though as I know intense lust cravings can come from nowhere and seem extremely reasonable when they do. Lust is a great liar!

Very well said. Focused guys like you b'ezras Hashem get out of this mess. Make sure you prepare for day 91.....

Thank you "Hashem" (lol)

I find that I do need to always prepare for "after" each goal, but at the same time it's important not to plan too far in advance. For the meanwhile the goal is day 90; as I get close to that (maybe a week to go) I need to start thinking about what the next goal is.

It's very easy to beat myself up about why I have not been this focused for all the years up until now. Had I been then my marriage would be in a very different place. But that is clearly in the list of things "I cannot change" and therefore need to accept and not dwell on.

Day 78
I had a challenging weekend. I am living away from home most of the time, but was home for the weekend to spend time with the kids. My wife put me in the spare room, which was embarrassing as that has never happened before. She is very much torn between ending out marriage entirely or trying to go back to the long slog of making something out of it. She says she's not sure if there is just too much bad history for her to even want to do that any more so I am in limbo meanwhile which is its own challenge.
Lust tends to turn up at the oddest times. I think I have gotten more used to just dismissing it out of hand without giving it space or time to fester, but the very fact that it keeps turning up uninvited gets me worried that it will always be there and I will always be at risk of falling off the edge. I meet and read about too many people who made it to years only to go back to the beginning again. 
Sitting here right now it seems so simple. All that lust has never done me any long-term good and never actually solved any of my problems (although it did help me temporarily forget them). At the same time it has gotten me to a place I never wanted to be and never believed I would be.

Hi

I was reading thru your posts and I just wanted to drop you a note.

​It's such an inspiration that a person who goes thru such hard times is keeping himself so strong! It reminds me of Yosef hatzadik who was sold as a slave by his own brothers and still kept strong in all his life challenges
.  
The strength that you are teaching everyone that reads your posts should be a zechus that you should be able to completely recover from all bad temptations and that your marriage should heal as well and be stronger and better than ever!

pickamoniker

You wrote:

"I meet and read about too many people who made it to years only to go back to the beginning again. "

I have to tell you that whilst you will have clean streaks, there is no "Going back to the beginning."

You simply are where you are.

By falling after a long clean streak, does not mean everything was in vain. It is actually the opposite.

Every day is a new day, every day has to be taken one day at a time.
You will have to be on guard every day for the rest of your life.

Live for each day, take it one day at a time,

Hi - Thanks everyone for your replies. It's nice to know someone out there is actually reading this stuff!



Day 80 today. I feel pretty good at having reached this milestone. Having said that, this morning I had a strong thought of throwing in the towel. I was going home to pick up my kids to take them to school today and I think that anything to do with my family life gives me anxiety which is a trigger to run away. Happily the thought didn't last long and wasn't particularly strong. I think that because my marriage is so on the rocks it's easier to see the thoughts for what they are. The (more or less) immediate consequence of acting out would be the end of my marriage; in fact, if acting out was really so important to me then the gentlemanly thing to do would be to end my marriage first - not exactly a difficult thing to do right now. The fact that I don't want to do that shines a light on how unimportant acting out really is to me on the grand scale of things.

Nevertheless I know I need to keep my guard up. Slipping into fantasy remains a real possibility, and I know that I can't afford to do that any more.