Quick update

day 99 - still clean tG

Over shabbos my wife confirmed she has not changed her mind and is looking to press forward with arrangements to divorce. She wants to see a professional to get help with telling the kids etc and is arranging for us to meet him at some point. I still am very much trying to see if there is any way to save our marriage, but I can't see how anything is going to change. Over shabbos I had some serious lust urges telling me to make a plan to act out etc. I didn't give in to the temptation to indulge in fantasy, but the urges were really strong and came often especially on Friday night. I thought after three months the urges would never be as strong again, but I was clearly proved wrong.

Tomorrow will be 100 days, so that's a nice thought to look forward to.

pickamoniker wrote on 16 Dec 2019 12:44:

Just to point out, day 101 is much greater than day 100 ... The talmud teaches us that if you study 101 times its no equal to 100 times... And the mefarshim explain because 100 is a natural thing and 101 is already going beyond nature... So I imagine that when it comes to breaking bad habits and keeping clean, 101 days should do wonders too!

May you be blessed in your personal as well as in your marital struggle!

Thanks David - way to take the edge off my pride



Well it's day 100 and I'm still hanging in there.

Hey Pickamoniker,

Pretty incredible how you are really conquering your situation and staying clean! Hashem obviously gave you alot of Kochos!

Can i suggest that maybe you should pick another goal to work towards? I.e. now that you reached 90 days, instead of taking it day by day, set a goal to get to 140 days or 180 days.

I know I lost alot of steam when I was just going day by day, maybe setting a new goal will give you similar motivation to getting to the big "90."

Just a thought. Either way keep climbing the mountain!  

Hi REM

Thanks for the suggestion. During the 90 days I found that smaller goals helped a lot. For now I am aiming for 120 days clean. That's about 4 months and less than three weeks away so hopefully it can be a decent motivator.

As an update, it's day 101. I had a few triggers yesterday evening being out of town and travelling, but kept focus on where I was going and how focusing on the triggers wouldn't get me anywhere and tG came through still clean and without indulging in any of the fantasies that so desperately wanted to take my attention. I'm travelling again this evening as I need to be in another town for work tomorrow, so it's all a little exhausting right now. Hopefully I'll be able to post another short update tomorrow.

Hi Pickamoniker
May I suggest setting 131 days as a goal? Do you know what 131 symbolizes? 

DavidT wrote on 18 Dec 2019 14:54:

This is always a fun game. Had you asked me that last Friday the answer would have been pretty simple as 131 was the gematria of the date (טו כסלו). On a regular day it would, of course, be the gematria of both אלימלך and ענוה, either of which I guess you could be referring to, but also נאף, (which I hope you weren't). I suspect you weren't refering to 131 being one of the only two three-digit palandromic sophie germain prime numbers (191 being the other, but interestingly 131 is also a permutable prime with another sophie germaine , 113).

I suspect none of thw above were what you were referring to though. What did you have in mind?

Either way, I will stick to 120 for now as it's closer. I think a target in under three weeks is wise.

Sorry for the smarminess of the above post if it came across that way. 

pickamoniker wrote on 18 Dec 2019 15:35:

Value of סמאל in Gematria is 131 
אַתָּה סֵתֶר לִי מִצַּר תִּצְּרֵנִי רָנֵּי פַלֵּט תְּסוֹבְבֵנִי סֶלָה
The zohar writes that if we say this pasuk back and forth we break the koach of the Y"H

Day 103

It's actually getting harder, not easier over the past few days. I keep getting feelings of total hopelessness as I begin to believe there is nothing I can do to save my marriage. I recognise that this is really catastrophising as even if I can not save my marriage, that does not mean the end of my life or happiness and I still need to look after myself, but that knowledge doesn't stop the waves of fear and sadness that have been coming over me often over the past couple of days (although telling myself this does help lessen their impact when they come).

Either way, it's almost Chanukah, which while it will definitely be difficult should also be fun with the kids, so something to look forward to. 

Hope you all have a good Shabbos and lichtigen Chanukah. I think we can all do with a good old Chanukah miracle (I certainly could!)

Thanks so much for your raw honest shares. Wishing you much Hatzlocha

I wonder if you realize how inspiring your posts are. In the zchus of what you are doing, let'sdaven that Hashem showers you with brocho and menuchas hanefesh while resolving the crisis in the best way possible. The zchus ha'rabbim is very powerful.

pickamoniker wrote on 20 Dec 2019 10:45:

We all make the berachah— she’asa nissim l’avoteinu, bayamim hahem bazman hazeh—as we watch the light of our collective efforts shine, as we witness the miracles being achieved here on GYE each and every day. Every one of us shares in these miracles.

Hey Pickamoniker!

I hope all is well and you are making Chanukah wonderful! It's a time to focus on the light and not the darkness, but don't forget that we have a shamesh and we are the ones who actually light the candles...

May Hashem give you the strength to stay alight in life. 

We are rooting for you!

Hi All - Happy Channukah to you all. May it be one full of miracles for us all.

Day 106. Still all clean bH. Had a great day yesterday, went to a pre-Channukah party with the kids and we all enjoyed it and then went home for lighting, doughnuts etc. Unfortunately I'll be lighting alone tonight / tomorrow night as the wife has taken the kids out of town to her parents so it's going to be a bit strange / lonely without them around.