Thanks David. I am in quarantine now, so it's just me and the G-d for the next 10 days or so. I'm just gonna skip it.

Snowflake wrote on 21 Jun 2021 19:01:

Hi Snowflake, 
I hope you're doing better in all aspects. 
Being alone is a great opportunity to realize that you're never alone. We have a loving father in heaven that's always with us and is looking out for our best interests. Also, please remember that you have your GYE friends that are always here for you. We're all praying that you should find your bashert very soon and you should be able to build a beautiful home and future life! 

You're a real inspiration for me and many many others!

B"H day #45 clean

Thanks David, your words gave me chizuk.
Now that most of the virus symptoms are B"H gone, I'm stuck with the emotional part. Being locked up for 14 days straight with no human contact is no easy task. Especially with a YH full of bright ideas. But I will keep what you said in mind. A yid is never alone.
I just really miss my kiddos, but I know it would be stupid to get them here earlier than nature should dictate. Why expose them to this terrible virus?
Anyway, still trucking B"H.
Every post here gives me chizuk so feel free to post.

There is a nice Shiur about from Rabbi Akiva Tatz that talks about "Loneliness". (The shiur can be found here).

Here's a quote from the Shiur:

"Darkness brings a natural fear. Not the fear of being attacked, but the fear of being alone. One who is spiritually developed does not fear being alone. On the contrary, he feels a tremendous thrill in being alone. The Greeks extinguished that. Western culture is afraid to be alone. The Jewish idea of meditation is not to switch off and relax, but to switch on the real mind and connect. We are supposed to do this at least three times a day."

Let's try to feel Hashem more - as I said, we're never alone.

B"H Day #46 clean.
Almost gave up last night.
I was in very down spirits.
B"H I convinced myself I was in a bad/depressive mood and that's ok. We all have good and bad days. I told myself I'd hold off on the decision to act out till tomorrow. Went to bed early and woke up feeling much better.
Maybe saying no is not the best answer. Stalling, particularly when vulnerable, seems to be the best course of action.

Wow! I'm reading through your thread now and it's really inspiring, keep it and feel better!!

And keep us posted on the good news

Thanks for the chizuk guys, unfortunately I fell on Shabbes. I know it's all excuses but, I'm just too lonely. Staying in quarantine is hell. One would think I'd be healed from the virus already. Everyday I still wake up feverish and sick. But the biggest trigger is remembering my ex. Everything here reminds me of her. Still, although I fell, I feel like I still got this. Not giving up. Back to day #1

So, finally B"H the quarantine is over. I finally tested negative.
I wondered if I should write this post or not, but here goes.
I have had quite some falls these days, but B"H on day 2-3 now.
Reinstalled the filter (yeah I had uninstalled it and done wrong things).
I can't say how clear headed I am right now, but just enough to get by I guess. I'll be reading the Torah this Shabos and can't bear to watch P and read from it. I just can't do it, so the only way out is not watching P and not acting out. I was in pretty down spirits, remembering my ex and being hopeless about shidduchim. I guess I just want not to feel lonely asap, but I need to be patient. It's better to be alone, than married to another wrong person. In the meantime, now that I can go out, I think I can handle the urges. But to be honest, to be locked up at home 24/7, I don't think I can make it. B"H it's over now so, hopefully I can get back on track too. Yesterday I walked 3 miles in the park nearby. That really made me feel great. Might go for another walk today. Not a bad idea at all.

So I fell twice on Shabbos, it was kinda bad, but, back on track once again, day #3 clean already B"H.
Not giving up...
Not that it makes much of a difference, but on Shabbos I still had not seen my kids for more than 2 weeks, so I was pretty depressed. I'm with them right now and feeling much better.
For accountability's sake, I want to announce I've paid up my $172 debt due to falling and being subscribed to R'Grant's challenge. I've donated the amount to GYE.
I'm trying to go back to a day-by-day basis on this journey. Not wanting to think too far ahead.
Covid has left me a bit too tired, but I think that's actually good. I've been going to bed earlier, and no energy at all to stay up thinking about wrong stuff.
Thank you all for the thank you's and support.
Snow

Too hot outside for snow?... 
how are you doing?

We don't get snow in Brazil, but it's winter here, and a pretty cold one btw.
Unfortunately I've been having some falls. Trying to get back on the horse (not sure you guys say that in english, but we sure do say it in portuguese). I'd say my biggest problem is motivation right now. But I guess that's the consequence of not studying too much Torah.
Trying to go back to my seder...
Today is day 1 again.
Thanks for the heads up.

How are you doing buddy?

Hey Sapy, thanks for the heads up.
So-so I'd say, still a bit sad from the divorce and it's not been an easy task finding a shidduch. Have been falling non-stop, unfortunately and had some spiritual falls. Not very motivated to stop, to be honest, although I haven't thrown in the towel completely. I still feel all is not lost. Rosh Hashana is and YK are coming. I'd like to be clean for the festivals I guess. Any thoughts?
It's indeed very hard to stop, knowing it's "between me and G-d". Perhaps trying to take it a day at a time, right? When I just think about all the days I have to stay clean, till I get married again I dive into yeush.

I have been having a succession of falls, including today. But somehow I just don't wanna give up. The folks at qustodio must wonder if I'm crazy, the app has been deleted and reinstalled several times lol.
Anyway, I'm playing a few key roles in the Yomim Noraim in my kehile, might as well try to be clean for everyone who's putting their trust onto me. Also there's a good potential shidduch coming up. I feel like acting out is really just gonna mess things up. I really don't wanna mess this shidduch up. I know a wife is definitely not an ultimate solution. But I think it could help with my loneliness, which is probably my main trigger right now. Also a lack of accountability and focus in general. Sorry for keeping reviving my old thread, but my experience has shown that, posting here for all the GYE folks really helps with accountability. I will try and re-read my thread and see what has worked for me in the past.
Thank you all for the support.