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Restarting the journey
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Restarting the journey 5338 Views

Re: Restarting the journey 18 May 2020 18:03 #349918

  • Snowflake
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Hey guys,

Sorry for not coming back. Took some courage to come back here but I figure if I don't, I'll never get out of the pit.
After some ins-and-outs, falls and short streaks, I've finally taken a rather rough step which I had been avoiding so far, but which I think it's very important. I've installed a good filter and created a very complicated e-mail and password for it and threw the login details away. So no going back now unless I factory reset the phone.
Of course, all filters are somewhat bypassable and one can sometimes look at the very least to some level of improper stuff if one really wants it. In the end, I'm the one who has to change. But at least it's much more difficult to go to the shmutz now. Just a while ago it was very easy, just login to the filter and disable it. So that's it! Hope to keep you posted with good news!
Today is day 1 again.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 18 May 2020 19:56 #349920

  • yosef10
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Beautiful that your going full force.  After a long dessert of giving up, I too recently decided to really give this another go. 

Just a a note that I think can be helpful. 
We all have a certain capacity to "fight" until eventually our tank is empty and we just eventually give in. Setting yourself up for success is putting yourself in a position were you are converting more of that "mental energy" so when something big comes up, your not just all worn out. To make it to 90 days is a big feat... And one that I know you will accomplish... Just make sure to keep all that your committed to, and also make sure that all your committed to is realistic for that 90 day period. You don't have to be perfect if it, but if your weary of the fact that a strong urge is coming on... Dint be afraid to get a bit more Machmir... You know yourself better than anyone else, so on,y you can make that split decision. 

Also, I think it's helpful to realize that anyone trying to get to 90 days, and lasting recon
very kal vechomer, must have the realization that in some way... Even if we're deep into our streak and working hard... Every day is day one
i know for myself that I usually wait for the day after falling to reset, rethink what I can do better, and what I can fix. For someone going for 90 days, it may be helpful to see what needs changing as you go longer on your battle. What might seem normal now, might be crazy later, and what might be a crazy stringency now, might be NECESSARY later... You never know 

p.s. Don't let you convince yourself of letting a chumra go because in reality it usually. Might mean that your feeling weak and might fall. 

Love  yourself, and keep strong. We're all here with you. KEEP POSTING (now that you decided on forum you don't really have an excuse:))
"Sometimes the only Bechira we have is to ask for help"

Maybe you can gain something by following my journey... Or not, whatever works
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Re: Restarting the journey 19 May 2020 14:52 #350005

  • Snowflake
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Thanks Yosef, you're right! The fall usually comes slowly, letting go of some chumras and so on. I'll try to be more mindful of what I'm doing each day and I don't know, perhaps try coming here everyday for some chizuk.
It was working back then. Stopped working when I stopped dropping by.

Thanks for the chizzuk!
It's only day 1 (actually yesterday I had a fall so it was really day 0)
but I already feel so much better. Hope to keep it up.

Regards
Snowflake​
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 19 May 2020 19:23 #350017

  • yosef10
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I had a similar situation recently. After my major crash of being being clean almost a year, I crashed hard and didn't really get back up. From then on, i was hefker, and only had some small streaks here and there with convincing myself "I'm doing my best", even though in reality I was trying pretty much the same thing over and over. Eventually a realized, now what I consider "my second go" at this, that whatever worked for 333days, will probably work now as well. How can I say I'm really doing my best IF IM NOT DOING WHAT WORKED FOR ME. I'm not sure if I just did t want recovery, or I was too lazy to try the whole thing over again but...
Ya it's difficult, and so is recovery, so I made a list of everything that led me to that streak (forum, boost, emails, partners, fortify program, tracker) and added in my new stuff (psychology, meditation, ODAAT philosophy). Hopefully these things will make a combination for a successful run.
Withiut them, what chance am I giving myself. So keep yourself to the things that you know work, for sure, that might be one of the fundamental rules of recovery. 
IF IT AINT BRIKE DINT FIX IT.

Also, today isn't just "day 1". Today is just as valuable as day 90 wpould, especially when your now in a situation that your setting yourself up for REAL SUCCESS, by using what you know works for you and squeezing it dry. The only thing you can control is today, so why wait to make the party on day 90?... I'm sure you'll enjoy the celebration regardless, and it's well deserved as long as you know your working. Because we can't control yesterday, and we can only plan for the future. But now, now is ours.

So bring out streamers... Lechayim to day 1.5!!!!!!
"Sometimes the only Bechira we have is to ask for help"

Maybe you can gain something by following my journey... Or not, whatever works
MY Forum

Re: Restarting the journey 10 Jun 2020 13:49 #351003

  • Snowflake
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Thanks for the chizuk Yosef!
So I in between I had some falls and now I'm on day 2, perhaps a bit early to post, but I suppose accountability is one of the cornerstones of recovery.
It's never been so difficult getting a few days clean, the urges have been very strong. But I reckon they're so strong because they have been fed a lot. Hopefully they will get weaker as time goes on. As it used to be, when I had a long streak.
On the other hand, I suppose urge management is my biggest weakness and this is the area I'm working on. I think just stopping and not doing anything when I have an urge is not helping. I'm thinking of proactive solutions. I'm open to suggestions.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 10 Jun 2020 21:37 #351024

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My pleasure, again whatever worked for you last time, anything practical, make a list of it and check off what worked for you. How much are we really willing to give up to never watch porn again... I hope for myself a lot, and I'm sure the same for you... coming off a week of bumming around and falling after a big streak, I began to wonder if I made progress (the answer is an obvious yes). Right now I'm in a state where I can reevaluate what went right/wrong for me, and where I slipped more than I should have. I think doing the same for yourself can be really helpful. 

And of course, aside from the physical and practical ways of keeping ourselves in check no matter what were feeling, there also has to be an internal change , (leading to the ultimate Goal of), when you have an urge you just think its gross and not something you, who is a cheleck elokai mammal, doesn't involve himself in. 

Just saying I might be good at preaching (maybe not), but right now I'm on day one... so nu... I guess I got to take my own advice too.
"Sometimes the only Bechira we have is to ask for help"

Maybe you can gain something by following my journey... Or not, whatever works
MY Forum

Re: Restarting the journey 11 Jun 2020 12:30 #351050

  • Snowflake
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Day 3, B"H, it's been a while since I had such a good night's sleep.
I think it both helps to have a good sleep routine as well as not acting out has actually reduced my anxiety, to a point I have a better sleep. It's a two way street. What a difference! Yesterday I was half-dead the whole day, today I feel like I have infinite energy. I also think that not sleeping well enough kind of becomes a trigger. You become sloppy, bored, and you feel like doing wrong things to wake you up. Urges have been under control B"H.
I'm also trying to adopt the mindset of one day at a time. Today I davened in the shema kolenu that I should be tahor for today. I told G-d I don't know what tomorrow brings, I only ask you that today I should be clean, and today should be a great day.
Coming here, trying to help others and get chizuk from others has been a great tool too.
With a sober mind, I'm thinking of ideas for when the big urges come.
Again, open to suggestions.
Thank you all for the support.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 12 Jun 2020 13:51 #351106

  • Snowflake
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Day #4, clean B"H.
The urges are already much lower B"H.
I thought not acting out would leave me more anxious, but it's just the opposite. I've been getting more sleep, studying more, exercising more. My life has already improved 100%. Hope to keep at it.
Now one thing I haven't focused on in the previous attempts was phone chat. Dov says it's the best medicine. Since all the YH wants is privacy, we must give him the opposite of that.
So if anyone's also married with kids and struggling and would like to chat, I think I'll open up a skype account only for that.

Thank you all for the support!
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 14 Jun 2020 16:16 #351168

  • Realestatemogul
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Hey Snowflake!

Sheva Yipol Tzadik V'KAM. The action of coming back to GYE and setting up a filter, after falling and leaving GYE, is so wonderful and inspiring! Reish Lakish was a bandit and thief and when he accepted to learn torah, he was all of a sudden weaker and lost strength to do things that only seconds earlier where possible. For good things it is certainly much more powerful! You may have just committed to doing better, but that commitment is so powerful and gives you a tremendous amount of strength to fight this battle! 

Someone who shows his desire to be pure, Hashem purifies him!

Re: Restarting the journey 15 Jun 2020 12:52 #351229

  • Snowflake
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Thanks REM, it's good to be back.
B"H 1st week clean.
The more I think I need, the more, in fact I need it. The less I think I need it, the less I really need it. I've been trying to change my mindset around that and it has really been working. I've also upped my shmiras einayim and been very religious about the phone in the bathroom, big no no.
Urges come but as in the past, when I was clean for a long while, I've been trying to nip it in the root. Bad thought comes, immediately I divert it. It's useless to argue with the YH, best not to argue at all and think other thoughts.
What's helping is making it a daily concern, trying to be clean and thinking about upping my game with phone chats and new strategies. I've also been making a point of making more enjoyable activities, such as running, cycling, reading and studying Torah, of course.
Hope to keep you all updated with good news alone.
Thank you all for the support again!
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 15 Jun 2020 13:02 #351231

  • Meyer M.
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Glad to hear all this good news. Keep it up!
Your best teacher for success is your last mistake

Re: Restarting the journey 16 Jun 2020 01:46 #351272

  • yosef10
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Snowflake wrote on 15 Jun 2020 12:52:
Thanks REM, it's good to be back.
B"H 1st week clean.
The more I think I need, the more, in fact I need it. The less I think I need it, the less I really need it. I've been trying to change my mindset around that and it has really been working. I've also upped my shmiras einayim and been very religious about the phone in the bathroom, big no no.
Urges come but as in the past, when I was clean for a long while, I've been trying to nip it in the root. Bad thought comes, immediately I divert it. It's useless to argue with the YH, best not to argue at all and think other thoughts.
What's helping is making it a daily concern, trying to be clean and thinking about upping my game with phone chats and new strategies. I've also been making a point of making more enjoyable activities, such as running, cycling, reading and studying Torah, of course.
Hope to keep you all updated with good news alone.
Thank you all for the support again!

Way to go with your success... I love your courage. Opening up isn't something I have necesarily been able to do lately. 
"Sometimes the only Bechira we have is to ask for help"

Maybe you can gain something by following my journey... Or not, whatever works
MY Forum

Re: Restarting the journey 21 Jun 2020 15:40 #351580

  • Snowflake
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Hey guys,
First of all thanks again for all your support, it's really encouraging.
Tomorrow I'll be 2 weeks clean Bez"H. Today is day 13th.
Since then, I can only say a lot has changed, my relationship to my wife greatly improved, to my kids and I can only say I feel much more alive.
I want to convince myself that I need to be sober, not (only) because it's a mitzva, but it's the only way to truly live. I see two completely different lives, one sober and one not sober. They're worlds apart. I feel and live much better when sober. I sleep better, eat better, work better, etc.
That being said I've begun a phone chat relationship to a fellow here (I'm not mentioning his username because I haven't asked him if I should publicize it, but anyway) and he has advised me to put up a stronger filter. I went a step ahead and bought myself an "almost kosher phone". Why do I say it's almost kosher? Well it's not one of those old nokia phones where there's zero multimedia. It's something in the in between an old nokia and a smartphone. It's not a smartphone. It's a flip phone. It has a crappy camera ( 0.3 mp lol) and multimedia, but it doesn't have a web browser, and doesn't have whatsapp. Theoretically one could watch improper material in it but it takes so many steps (I'd need to buy an sd card since I don't have one, download the material, etc) that I think it's not practical at all. My main thing has always been internet and social media. For the time being I'm still keeping my old smartphone. I know it sounds like toivel vesheretz beyado, but I'm in a weaning process lol. It's going to take some adapting, not ordering food and ubers through the phone and forgoing whatsapp. I hope to soon ditch the smartphone, I just want to make sure it's not too radical a move. Well it is but I'm just hoping I won't miss it so much or disrupt my life in a significant way.
I'd be lying if I said that being sober isn't the main reason for me ditching the smartphone, but there are other great reasons as well. Turns out I was (am) addicted to smartphones too. I'd check whatsapp, mail, etc 100 times a day for no good reason. I'd play online chess throughout the day. So I felt like I was being enslaved by the smartphone.I have started using it today and already feel much better. I was also very surprised to finding out that many goyim felt like me too and ditched their smartphones as well. They felt like life was passing by and they were missing it, gluing their eyes to the screens. So that's it, sorry for the long post.
Wishing everyone a wonderful and clean week!
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Restarting the journey 21 Jun 2020 15:53 #351582

  • DavidT
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Keep it up Snowflake! You're doing really great!

I wanted to point out thateEven though a person knows he can undo the gedarim he has set for himself, he should still institute them, as doing so has a powerful effect. When one makes a geder, it’s as if he is saying, “I am committed to breaking this cycle, and my proof is that I’m going to make things difficult for myself.”
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: Restarting the journey 22 Jun 2020 13:18 #351632

  • Snowflake
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2 weeks clean! B"H! Thank you Hashem, and thank you all!!
It's really a bit weird not having a smartphone around. I sometimes reach for my phone but there's nothing to do with it lol. No e-mails to check, whatsapps, news, not even the snake game! Only missed calls and text messages are there to be checked. I feel calmer and less anxious. I feel free. I guess it's something I should've done a long time ago. Phones are meant to be used to talking to people, not to turn them into some sort of taskmaster over ourselves.
I'm a bit reluctant to ditch the smartphone though, I need it to access my bank account and my credit card invoice. But I've already made a point that it's going to stay home, perhaps even in a safe. The kosher phone is the one I'm going to be using the whole day, even at home. I'll only go for the smartphone if I need to access the bank account or credit card invoice.
B"H urges have been very low, but I'll try to be careful not to let my guard down.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו
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