Day 26 

today is going to be a rough one. The yetzer is already working in overdrive. I have to make sure to figure something out to do and get out of house. But he’s trying tactics that while not entirely new to me- are ones that are hard to fight. I’m going to keep strong though !! I know this will pass...

on on another note, does anyone else find that it’s a bad situation to be in when you drink a little? For me, I have noticed that it makes me very susceptible to acting out. I don’t know if it’s becuae my guards are just down and I don’t have the mental or physical defenses to fight or if alcohol itself is a accelerant of lust. Either way, I think it’s somethjg I have to stay away from too. But at least be very aware of so be more on guard ... anyone else deal with this too?

Stay strong and keep trucking!

I would be cautious about alcohol if you find that it will cause you to slip easier. It's that simple - if you think it will cause you to slip stay away. By me sometimes I will stay away because I am in a vulnerable place and other times I know it isn't such a danger. It definitely will always put a person in a looser state and therefore they could succumb more easily.

@realestatemogul - thanks! I agree with you. It’s more of something I just need to be conscious of and not drink too much. And if I’m in a bad place, don’t drink at all. Thanks for the advice!

day 27

BH- I made it through yesterday! I made sure to get up and get out of house for most of day. And there was a time when I was tired and no one else was home, so I just refused to go home until I knew someone will be back home. I don’t trust myself yet (ever?). 

This morning, the urges and thoughts are not stopping. The crazy thing is, I have really been good about shmiras anayim. But still these images and thoughts are on freight train towards me. It’s one of those waves of lustful thoughts that bring back memories of acting out and images I have seen over and over again. My mind puts in the memories of the “best places” I have acted out and tells me how enjoyable it is. ITS ALL NONSENSE!!!

Yes, I’m not going to pretend it didn’t feel good, and it wasn’t a huge relief/exhilaration after and during acting out. It was all of those things. But it pales in comparison of what the bigger picture of life is and the importance of staying clean- and All of the tremendous enjoyment that comes from being a clean person and healthy mindset. So this is my answer to those thoughts. 

But knowing me- that answer isn’t enough. So I’ll fight with my other tools and tactics and with the great people on Gye. Be”H This day will be OURS! 

Strength to all! I’ll see you on the chart tomorrow as we go up one more day together!!

I love your optimistic posts and great fighting!

onceandforall

Really important that you find a safe way to release stress.
From your posts it appears that acting out was a stress release for you,.

Even if it is walking around the block...or reading light hearted books...something positive and safe.

Day 29

A conversation replaying in my head this morning and yesterday:

YH: Remember these images and videos that were so amazing to watch?

ME: Ughh…. get out of here.

YH: NO! Look (think) about these images - they’re not going away!

ME: Yes, I remember and its arousing and I remember how good it feels, but I am not doing that anymore.

YH:  How long do you think you can keep this up? Today? Tomorrow? Im going to get you eventually!

ME: Youre probably right. Maybe its not worth all of the endless fighting. IT would be so great to just cave right now, go on a major binge for a couple days and then get back into it.

YH: That’s right thats right. You’ll end up quitting when your ready, but now you have free time to act out and enjoy the next couple of weeks.

ME: But we have been down this road before. Acting out is going to make me upset about it and then what?? Im right back where i started…

YH: True, but the rush and feelings are not comparable!! You remember, I know you do - because you still think about it.

ME: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I cant fight you. I dont care what will happen later or tomorrow. I know that if I act out now it will only be so much harder to quit again later and I need to keep clean now.

YH: But can you put up with me all day!

ME: I don’t have to. HaShem please help me! Take away these thoughts! I’m doing this for YOU. Its for me too, but Im doing this all for YOU. Please get me through this moment and day. I can only continue with you. I did the first step of calling out to you and begging for saving and I have been good with not watching movies and have been keeping my eyes down outside. WHERE IS THE FREEDOM??? Will it ever end?? HaShem, I don’t know the answer to these questions, but I only need one answer now - TAKE AWAY THESE THOUGHTS NOW!!

YH: Ill be back

Hah! that's a pretty good description.  Btw, have you listened to Rabbi Shafier's (from TheShmuz.com) series on fighting this battle?  I gained tremendously from them.  In one of his shiur he actually goes through various scenarios/conversations that the YH tries.  Similar to your post.  His series can be downloaded here https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Onceandforall wrote on 07 Aug 2019 12:41:

Lol, I had the same conversation on day 90, but I'm still here and it's easier now since I've learnt my surrender method, dont give up and you'll make it there.

I had a fall last week on Day 29. I have been falling since and haven’t had the proper mindset to get back into staying clean and posting again even though i want to. There will be a longer post after this but I had to just quickly come and post so that I can back on track...

Day 0

Great for sharing this, it takes courage and the faster i have it done the quicker i can get back up. So get back up and motivate us further, keep your conversation you had with the Y.H. in mind and it will get easier.
What helps me now, allthough i am only at day 8, i cannot have the first drink of lust, even just looking after a barely dressed women, i straight away have to surrender - i cannot let it stay in my mind and i also have to realise that i dont want to go down that path again. 
This time i want to stay sober - other have managed before me - so will I.

Onceandforall wrote on 12 Aug 2019 11:28:

I'm sorry to hear about your fall, but your journey to recovery got off to a great start.  Just get right back up and keep fighting.  Have you identified what led to this fall?  What new tools can you implement to prevent it from happening again?

I can do this. It’s just been hard for me to get back into it. Very easy excuse that I cave into every time. But I am ready and will be back going every day posting bli neder 

thank you for all of your kind support 

Dave M wrote on 24 Jul 2019 16:59:

Onceandforall - hows everything going?  I just wanted to let you know since your post regarding watching movies, I haven't watched any movies since.  Thanks again for your push.  A K'siva 'V'chsima Tova. 

Dave M wrote on 26 Sep 2019 14:53:

Wow. What an example pfhow posting advice on the forum can be mezakeh es ha'rabim. It also is such a chizuk that you shared the effect his post had on you - oftentimes one takes out the time to post and doesn't really know how many people even read it. Posting helps ourselves regardless, however to see the positive hashpa'ah it potentially has on others is incredible.

I was just giving credit to where it was due.  He may never see this post.  But he certainly has this zchus heading into Yom HaDin.