High!
I have been on and off/lurking/etc... this site for a while. ive been struggling with erotic audio, erotic reading material, and looking for inappropriate websites, occasional mb but no p. (one exception when there was a really bad break in the filter but i only saw muted previews bh) either way i wanna quit all this garbage! this is really not ME. this stuff is fueled by being starved for intimacy and my wife is disgusted by it. in addition, there are heavy duty shalom bayis issues. so since i feel starved, its hard for me not to act out...i am working on the last two issues and iyh things will improve. for now, i feel like i can use the chizzuk as well as accountability that a thread like this can give me. thus begins my 90 day program. awaiting the gye's welcoming committee's response...

Welcome aboard buddy, 

make sure to stay connected will ya?

 Love Yankel 

higher wrote on 01 May 2019 14:39:

Should we tell him what we do with guys lurkin' around?

cordnoy wrote on 01 May 2019 15:10:

i asked trouble and he says u guys are all bark and no bite. not worried.

not being of the gye welcoming committee, im going to take the liberty of giving you a welcome either way, Hi! 

hatzlocha on your 90!

I have a question all that have an answer are invited to come forth. (cud be this shud be in a seperate thread i wud appreciate advice on that as well).



question: what is a person that is NOT  AN ADDICT and starved of sex with his wife supposed to do? he has natrual urges and if hes locked up and being starved, how can he just restrain himself? he needs to let it out somewhere no? regardless of the fact that he wont be fulfilled by engaging in all this filthy garbage, but how can he just starve his need? he has to be fed SOMEWHAT...



DISCLAIMER!!! obviously the fact that something is a davar assur and we can get hell for it etc is not the discussion here. im looking for both chizzuk as well as a practical eitzah for fulfilling a pretty basic need when one seems pretty trapped. obviously the goal is to only do ratzon hashem and not any aveiros...the question is whats a good chizzuk for someone going through such a mess, and whats a practical tip/solution for fulfillment if your starved. And with all due respect, to anyone on the site, if you have a great sex life, please dont bother answering (unless you have previous experience of your wife being disgusted by it) u probably have no clue of both the difficulty of the nisayon nor the solution. This isnt meant to come across as harsh just from enough personal experience  from getting the wrong advice from very well meaning yet fortunately clueless people.

hmmm...this shud prob be in the baleh batim section-someone gimme a buzz if so...its just part of my 90 day business...like how im going to succeed...so i put it here...

higher wrote on 01 May 2019 16:59:

to quote one of the resident experts on the site:

1. The "need" is imagined, not real....
2. If you come to terms with that and are at peace with the fact that there will be urges, but those urges do not define who you are, you will iyh be able to pull through.
3. As far as learning about this subject i think a first education is to once and for all destroy the mantra/belief that one NEEDS to ejaculate. Although pleasurable it is but an urge. Unlike eating and sleeping it is not a need.
4. Distract yourself for a few minutes and you will see the urge disappear into thin air. It is a desire, not a need.
5. They do not panic when faced with an urge, rather they use the methods they learned here among the chevra. For some, it is to call a friend, another makes a Taphsic, another goes for a walk or turns on a shiur/music, another reads a previously written list of things Hashem does for him on a daily basis.
6. The first step in stopping mzl is to recognize that although it is pleasurable (for a very short time), it is not a need. A person can live a happy and fulfilled life without ejaculation or other sexual stimulation. Food, drink, and sleep are necessities, not sex.
7. When someone is hungry and distracts himself, when the distraction is over, he is starving. When one is tired and gets very busy, when done he "crashes". However when one feels the urge to masturbate and instead gets on a treadmill, goes for a walk, gets busy at work, etc, the urge does not automatically reappear when that distraction/task is over. i have woken up with strong erections "ready to go" and forced myself to get moving and bh the urge did not return. that shows us that ejaculation is not a need, rather a very pleasurable activity which some of us have gotten into the habit as using as a stress reliever, boredom escape, or rejection pacifier. (As we all know the relief is extremely short lived and simply not worth the depression/anxiety/guilt/ feelings we develop immediately after acting out.)
8. I would like to add that my own feeling of liberation has been incredible:  Before abstinence, I was convinced that I had sexual needs, and I was constantly obsessed with fulfilling those needs, not being satisfied, and suffering from terrible frustration (and blaming my wife most of the time).
   Now I realize:  Today I don't NEED sex. I brainwashed myself into thinking I need, and hence all of the above.  I see how emotionally/physically dependent I was on sex.

thanks cordnoy.
nuff said for now. 
perhaps will reply at a later date to give feedback on your list once put into (more) action....

Just for the record, nothin' I wrote there was my own; not even necessarily my opinion; I was simply quotin'.

Begin quote: hmmm...this shud prob be in the baleh batim section-someone gimme a buzz if so...its just part of my 90 day business...like how im going to succeed...so i put it here...


  - End quote.

Unless the answer is that one should convince his wife to undress for him, manipulate her into havin' sex, explainin' to her and remindin' her that her kallah teacher said that it is her responsibility to engage in sexual intimacy even when she's not feelin' it, for otherwise the poor guy's gonna take matters into his own hands (ummm...), it can stay in this sextion, and besides, there already is one of those threads in the B"B sextion; no need to overload the system.

cordnoy wrote on 01 May 2019 19:23:

lol on your addition/quote 

like (mesilas yesharim?) says aiver katan yesh ba-odom, feed it, and its starving. starve it, and its full.

but in regards to 10, i find getting involved in a sugya does WONDERS in giving your brain a massively solid base to work off of. in being able to control what you want to think of, and in having a more settled brain thats not jumping all over (one and the same?) this is of course in addition to feeling on top of the world after really working hard on a sugya  

thanks qwerty,
im unsure if the maamar chazal that you qouted (im pretty sure its sourced in a gemara) refers to completely abstaining from sex. but you may be right, im not sure. its largely academic either way, in terms of that most people (99.9999999999%) , v'gam ani b'soichum, are not holding by completely starving and there could be a very big ''kickback'' effect if you try-along the way to achieving that state of ''starve it''. But im not holding in the sugya...or am i...? 

look i think it must be that if Hashem gave anyone this nisayon, we could assume that he can somehow pass it, no matter how much a person does not want to admit it. (giving up is always the easiest short way out if your in a ton of pain) none of the above should be misconstrued by a suffering individual as an excuse to act out. the question is just what are good eitzos and i am still in middle of reviewing cordnoys list it takes a long time to chazzer shiur...im also still verifying the quotes and who they are from and seeing if he broke any of the rules in answering the question...if he did it im gonna get him in trouble!! (pun intended) at the end of the day an eitzah can sound great and make alot of sense but if it doesnt practically work for you, then that and whatever it costs where you live to get u on the train will get you on the train.

but its important to realize that as long as we believe in Hashem and nothings random, there is a solution.
hatzlacha raba to all, me included.

DAY #2
(i mean i had a full day and im starting day 2 thats what this means from now on and im not repeating it.)
buruch Hashem yom yom.

positive devolopement happened recently with the wife. im holding my breath....bah! (had to breathe at some point...) but things are looking positive for the first time in months. and if its maintained...for the first time in years....

all tefillos are welcome. 

higher ben ???? (someone jewish)