Oy we all know that situation too well. I'm praying for you. Hatzlochoh!

I hate to keep preaching the SA stuff; but the Mesilas Yesharim's famous hedge maze mashal comes to mind...
They say to stop "white-knuckling" it & just surrender it to g-d. I have no idea what it means; but I started going to these meetings & I see people sober for almost 30 years... These guys are on top of the maze, & telling us how to get out.
I implore all addicts to figure out some way to work out a 12 step program w/ some sort of group. Your recovery most likely depends on it; it should be top-priority.
One of the definitions of addiction is repeated unsuccessful attempts to stop. I have never heard of anyone who stopped being an addict by way of his own will power.

Regardless, I'm in awe of how long your lasting, with all the nisyonos you're facing. Thanks for inspiring all of us; may H-shem grant you continued strength in this war!

I'm in the same boat as you. Day 43 and beginning to feel a little complacent. The initial motivation needed to get this far seems to be wearing off and its making me uncomfortable. But I also realize that the YH doesn't have the same power over me as it did before and I can more easily push him off. Additionally, I look at my # of clean days as equity that I am taking into Yom Kippur to say, "Hashem! Look how far I've come because I want to make you proud of me and allow me to be closer to you".

Day 28 Morning.  I woke up aroused, and ended up wasting my pre-dawn work hour (and part of shachris) on non-appropriate computer reading (bordering on fall).  And to think that I went to the office early because I had loads of work to do...

Hope I can make it through the day.

Fast forward in your mind what will happen the second after a fall and ask if it's really worth it. It never is. Remember, the YH doesn't have a gun to your head, you've got this.

Now we see you shteiged. You didn't disappear like last time.
The greatest indicator of eventual recovery is how we can get back up after falling.
We're still here for you. We feel your pain!
You probably have no interest at this point of hearing about winning 28 boxing matches, but hey, it's true!
Gird your loins & get back in here; looking forward to continuing the battle together!

EscapeArtist wrote on 14 Jan 2019 04:59:

You should probably stop preaching it and let people find it for themselves IF it works for them. Your definition of an addict would make most of addicted to cake, spicy mayo, biting our finger nails, scratching our heads, chewing on toothpicks, and a million other habits. 

Habits are super hard to break, and addictions more so. Almost no one I know breaks a habit without stumbling many times, even if they’re not an addict. People who diet often fail because they don’t know why they’re dieting; they know that they don’t want to be fat, but they don’t know a positive reason for doing it, and if you don’t know why you’re doing something it probably won’t work. 

Same thing here. Often people fall and fall, because they’re trying to stop because they know their supposed to stop, and supposed to want to, and that it’s bad, and it’s an aveira etc etc- but ask them- do you WANT TO STOP? Why do you want to stop? Because he’ll zap you?

So to sum up, people will fall and fall for a million reasons- we should let them find their way.

Oh, and no addicts stop on their own? How many people who used to smoke- and were addicted-just quit?

So just encouarge without having all the answers.

EscapeArtist wrote on 16 Jan 2019 00:22:

Escape,

You get a lot of credit.  After falling yesterday (and how), I was seriously (in the warped mindset of shame and guilt and failure) considering taking a few days 'off.'  My slips the past few days contributed to the fall, but I believe the stress I am under was the main cause.  I wanted a few days without the pressures of struggling to keep clean, a few days of instant stress-relief when I 'need' it.

It sounds quite ridiculous now that I'm writing it (a good reason to keep posting), but that's what my seichel (or my YH who took over my seichel) was saying.  Your post, assuming I was back, pushed me to make a commitment last night to get on the horse again and keep riding! Today we'll reach a glorious Day 1!

As an aside, not sure how to work the reset on the 90 Day Count.  I reset yesterday (didn't want to post the fall and show 28 days), but it wouldn't let me register that I am starting again today.  Yesterday can't be counted as day one as it was the day of the fall.  Shouldn't it automatically reset for the following day or later?

Thank you TTIW for the חיזוק
As always you're words come at the most opportune time & put me in a better mood.
As I typed my last post I tried very hard to imagine myself as the recipient, & tried to decide if I would feel grateful or more בגדר "shutup you idiot...". My intent was more to pick up your mood than to actually drag you back here. (That smiley came out way too cheerful for my liking; I was aiming for the classic Wal-mart style reassuring smile, to contrast your sad one...) I can't imagine I wouldn't have disappeared for a week at least if I was in your spot. I'm blown away to see you back with such conviction!

On another note; I am highly considering backing out of these forums. Besides that I spend too much time on it, I am realizing now the incredible אחריות of each post. This is not the Yeshiva World coffee room. We are dealing with (myself at the top of the list) people going through very difficult struggles, and while the right words can make one feel great emotionally & physically (as yours do for me); one wrong word, or even the right word read with the wrong tone of voice, or by the wrong person, can be enough  to "push someone off the cliff".
ברוך ה I have quite a few friends from SA & PA (I'm not insinuating anything WG - to each their own) who aren't hiding behind anonimity & are helping me along my struggle.
All who have my email can reach me that way.
Everyone should have utmost הצלחה!

EscapeArtist wrote on 16 Jan 2019 17:55:

That’s not the reaction I was expecting, but maybe I should have been more careful. Just to be clear- I did the 12 steps and went to live meetings for over a year, had a sponsor, sponsored people, so I don’t have an agenda with it per se. I have a problem with it for the wrong people, and the fact that a guy keeps on slipping or falling and doesn’t succeed doesn’t mean he’s an addict; it may mean he doesn’t have the right knowledge, motivation, or tools. 


Or possibly, that he’s an addict. 

Anyway, whatever you decide, I respect, but if you enjoyed the forums I don’t think you should back out because of the responsibility of it. We’ve all said things wrong one way or the other, and we’ve learned from it. So think about sticking around; while I disagreed with the idea of your post, I think you have a very strong, nice way of posting and I think it’s a shame others should lose out. 

Workingguy wrote on 16 Jan 2019 05:12:

I like this post!

Yeah that lasted a long time...(thank you HHM for calming me down)
I suffer from "nice-guy syndrome" & don't do well with adversary. 
100%, being unable to stop yourself is not the definition of addiction. it is part of it. This is what I meant, sorry if it was unclear. More definitive is if it takes precedence over everything else, no matter how important; & if you are willing to take serious risks for it, knowing full well there's a good chance of getting caught, & ruining you career, marriage, etc. I was under the impression TTIW already diagnosed himself, but maybe he's wrong, i would certainly hope so!
​As for cigarettes,  I was referring specifically to sex, drug & alcohol addicts. I believe the wiring is different, but no, I am certainly not an expert.

I am cool in general with having disagreement, even cooler with hearing the other side & learning something new. Attitude meant (in my head I hope) to make me look stupid aint gonna work for me. I (as probably most here) suffer from enough low self-esteem, & don't need another reason to "celebrate" in someone else's honor... והמבין יבין.

I know I'm overreacting, but hey, I'm in withdrawal, don't claim to be emotionally stable at the moment. Just figured I should raise the awareness that people like me, (who non-addicts will have a hard time understanding,) need a bit more TLC

Be gebentched chevra!

Day 5.  So overstressed in my personal issues I don't even have an urge today.  In the past I would act out in such a situation just for.. just in order to.. actually, just because! Now being with the chevra for the past few months, I am able to say no when there's no urge.  Maybe that is the answer? But if it's like this too much longer my heart or mind will go...

Hashem, please resolve my personal challenge quickly, and may my attempting to stay clean be a zechus for what I am trying to accomplish.  May You protect me even when the stress goes down, that I should not lust anymore.

It is excellent if you can say no to the urge.

But you are aware that you have the urge, so pre-empt it and plan positive activities for when it strikes, and you know you are at a vulnerable time right now.
Can you arrange some learning?
Or a meal with friends?
Or at least plan out a walk with an interesting route? 

Wow!

It's been almost 2 years since I fell off the map.  I'm sad to let everyone know that in that time I had almost daily falls.  My life was in shambles with many personal and professional challenges, a sick child, a crash course in the professional world etc.
Hashem has been good to me, and let me wake up each morning.  Even more, He made my problems subside, though it was really a long haul getting there.  And I decided to pick up the pieces of my journey to sin-sobriety.
My challenges led me to many travels, far away from home and family.  I almost succumbed to greater sin while out of town, but He put many roadbocks in my way.  Continuing blindly in my lust, I overcame each challenge, but got too tired to invite the person to my room... B'H for COVID, the traveling has ended, and so has that opportunity. HOW GREAT IS HASHEM!!!
I need the oilam's encouragement, as I am having a hard time.  The first couple of days were easy, but the 'itch' to act out keeps coming back the past few days, today especially.