Hey guys.
I'm a sexaholic. Today I'm 70 days sober. I've been going to SA meetings for the last couple of months and next week's going to read my 1st step to the group. I've also been in therapy for the last 10 months. 
All this work has helped me to remain physically sober - meaning that I abstain from sex or masturbation. So physically, I'm more or less fine. But in my head, it's total chaos. I crave for any more or less pretty woman in the street, if there's none, I'm desperately looking for one. When I see her, I want to make her mine, I fantasize about us being in a romantic relationship. I have a girlfriend and I've never cheated on her, but when I see someone pretty, I want to break up with my girlfriend and start a new relationship with this stranger. This is killing me. I'm not sure I can last that much longer. I know that in 12-step programs, there is an understanding that this disease is with you for life, you can't get rid of it, you're always in recovery though will never be able to recover completely. So I'm asking myself, why try then? It's like living your entire life in a confectioner's shop while being a diabetic. Your whole life's become a struggle. And I'm not sure i want that. So any thoughts, guys? Thank you.

Hey,
Don't give up! Im in the same boat as you. I just joined SA. Im sure we have a great life ahead of us!

What about any other thoughts and feelings you might have had in the last 70 days? Did you have moments when you laughed at your girlfriend's joke? Did you have to go to work and get tasks done? Did you have to drive your car? Did you read any interesting articles on the internet? Or did you only exclusively think about this terrible concept for the last 70 days, and nothing else?

If some of the time you thought about other things maybe you could try to keep that up, and do it more. There's no rule that says that you have to have the same lifestyle when you're clean and sober. You can have more fun. You can replace your old activities for more engaging ones. Sometimes to do that you have to think out of the box.

Even after you do all that your problem may still be the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing you think about at night, but you won't be alone. A lot of people have problems that won't go away, not related to addiction. It's kind of part of being human unfortunately, especially after a certain age.

Thank you for your reply.
Of course, I have other thoughts too. And nice moments in life. And more positive thinking wouldn't hurt. No question about it.
The real problem for me now is that when I think of some positive activity - like going to movies, theater, park etc., I know that there will be lots of women there and I will feel bad because of it. So instead I try to stay home as often as I could. Which is fine with me (although it is escapism for sure), but not my girlfriend which likes to go out etc. So when I try to make her happy and go out with her, I end up miserable and ruin her mood too. 
So yeah, a lot of people have problems. But at least with alcoholism and drug addiction, you don't see bottles or drugs walking around you every day.  

I think I know what you mean. I can't really even look at my wife (but I'm weird by all accounts, I am 100% confident of that.) But I think the way to beat that is to engage, engage, engage. But engage inba different way. When you go to movies engage with your girlfriend, choose a movie that you'd watch on your own as well.

It's a bit of a lifestyle change because when you have an addiction you can tolerate a lot thanks to the addiction. Once it's gone get ready to look at your life critically so it's the kind of life you want.

Keep it up, things change.

When I walk outside and look around I feel the same as you do; I fantasize about being with every "pretty thing in a skirt".  I have been trying a few things in the last 50 odd days that I've been clean and will share one of them that has helped me a lot.  The main idea behind learning to cope out in the world is to de-objectify the women.

You have to keep reminding yourself that these women are off limits to you. Its a form of geneivah to "enjoy" someone - a real person. What moral right (put aside the tznius issue) do you have to "use" someone else? Write yourself a little note to carry in your pocket and read it out loud each morning. It should say something like this, "Hashem has been kind to me and put me in a world full of beauty. There is beauty for me to enjoy - be it a sunset, a waterfall, a mountain, a rainbow. However there are beautiful sights that are off limits to me. For me to enjoy looking at any woman other than my wife, even one who dresses in a provocative manner is a form of stealing and a corruption of Hashem's intention of granting beauty to women. Hashem, please help me keep my eyes pure and help me not attempt to enjoy what is off limits to me." Of course write this in a style that resonates with you. (Copied verbatim from a suggestion given to me by Hashem Help Me)

In addition I have been trying to keep my eyes from wandering and focusing instead on my immediate "dalet amos" and if I do inadvertently see something that I should not, I try not to take that second look. I must admit that this was very difficult at first and is still not easy, but it does seem to get easier as you practice it more.

Hank_Moody wrote on 01 Jul 2018 09:06:

Hi there
what you are experiencing right now is abstinence - pure glorious white knuckling abstinence 
according to the Big Book we act out because we are restless irritable and discontent.
when we stop acting out the only thing that changes is that we are no longer medicating that restless irritable and discontent state of mind so we become even more restless irritable and discontent. 
While it is critical to not act out in early sobriety in order to stop feeding the addiction, and the withdrawal is quite painful at times - this is not the recovery that is a transformative reality that completely changes our lives.
The best way to get that spiritual experience and to get past the “RID” in a twelve step program is to work the steps with rigorous honesty and willingness and a fully open mind. 
A “Big Book” recovery is not how you describe it! 
The very first sentence of the book describes how these hopeless men recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body.
Recovery is a state of personal spiritual growth that lasts a lifetime - but if you think someone with ten years of sobriety who works a good program is still battling every day that’s not the case at all. 
We remain in recovery not to stop acting out every day although obviously that’s an important factor but rather to continue to grow on spiritual levels and gain something that is called emotional sobriety which is far more elusive and desirable. 
If I am struggling then I’m not surrendered.
Learning how to surrender takes time and effort.
working the steps vigorously to truly let go of selfishness and self will takes time effort and willingness.
it only gets better !
Give time time and start to put your faith in Hashem and let go of self will

Welcome to the forum. Your share is very similar to what many of us go through in the beginning. After the excitement dies down, we ask "Whats next?" When does this end? Hang around. You will pick up lots of sound advice....

God speed!
We learn how to live life.
Every moment is not a struggle.
Hopefully, you won't have those "do or die" moments.
Will there still be pretty people to behold? Yep. Will you/I look twice? Many times. Will you continue to fantasize that they belong to you? Nope. 
God speed to you!

Hank_Moody wrote on 01 Jul 2018 09:06:

Hi HM

Thanks for reaching out and sharing your thoughts.

I'm not sure about your home group and fellowship but if it's anything like mine I would stick around because my life was a constant feeling of hopelessness and pure misery. What got me through the beginning of recovery was seeing the lives of the other people that came before me and being amazed at the productive lives that they are leading. If active recovery is the medicine that I need and working the steps is the price I need to pay then so be it, the alternative is just not living. I invite you to read my full story here.

Yeah but what about the emotional pain and struggle?  
To that I will tell you that the word struggle is not mentioned anywhere in the literature. Reason being that with the power to surrender there is no place for struggle. You really need to master "surrendering" (which many people in early recovery don't do) and then you will know freedom. The 12 steps will open for you a whole new way of spiritual living. A life with purpose and meaning that you were granted at birth but never developed. The 12 promises are facts that are being experienced by millions of people from all walks of life across the globe. The measure you put in is the measure you get out so please don't stop before the magic happens. 

Lastly, to your points of "you can't get rid of it", "your whole life becomes a struggle" and "why try then?".
I truly hope you read my recent post that sheds light and gives hope to your journey.

May Hashem bless you with emotional, spiritual and physical sobriety and to live with peace, serenity, happiness and freedom!

G4L

Thank you for your time and advice. Engage is the last thing I want to do when I see other women but I'll try.

Thank you for sharing.
I know that you're probably right and this should be the approach but for me it doesn't work. Logic doesn't work. All my good intentions don't work. Something inside me still says that I have the right to look, to enjoy etc. And this something is much stronger than my logic and my intentions that I've had before this first look. 

Hank_Moody wrote on 02 Jul 2018 06:09:

Which, by the way, is why I don't use logic.

I have written close to 11,000 posts, and I don't believe I ever wrote to myself or to others that it is stealin' to look at a pretty person and enjoy the sight (it might be, but I never said it).
I don't believe I ever wrote to myself or to others that it is not proper, it is a sin, it's immoral, it's not right to one's wife, etc.

WhyI didn't I write any of those things (although some of them may be correct)? It is because, for me, the drive to look is stronger than any one of thoseI reasons, and, as a matter of fact, it is more powerful than the accumulative total of all of those reasons.

I stopped indulgin' for one reason andI one reason only. I needed to live, and there ain't nothin' stronger than the desire to live.

My road of recovery traveled many pathsI, and I don't know if there was one road that was more helpful than others, but it was and is well worth it.

Thank you very much for sharing.
I understand what you're saying and many people in SA that have been in the program for many years are saying the same things. That they are not battling but surrendered. I hope i'm wrong but right now to me that sounds a lot like self-dellusion. Because I see these men. See how tired they are. How unhappy they are. I hear their stories which are almost the same every time they speak. About their temptations, about wanting to keep looking at "toxic objects" etc. And nothing changes. Yes. They grow spiritually, which is great. Yes, maybe their urge is not as strong as it was, but it's still there. Even after 20 years. So for me, 12 steps are a great tool for growing spiritually, yes. But if it doesn't help you with the problem for which it is intended, I don't think it is right to call it efficient. It's like when you came to a dentist with a pain in your tooth and he made you a better person. Okay. But what about that tooth? Of course, I'll give time to the program, and see how it goes, but as of now, i have a lot of doubts about its efficiency regarding sex addiction. But again, hope i'm wrong.

G4L, thank you very much for your answer and your story.
Will read it as soon as I can.