Hi all,

I am currently doing the 90 day challenge and am 11 days clean so far. I'm finding it difficult, but manageable so far. The times where I really find it difficult though are on days like today when life gives me tough times. As an example, last year I applied for a job at my dream company and managed to progress to the final round. The whole process was around 30 days, and during this time I prepared for the interview as much as possible by learning all the required topics, but also tried to improve myself religiously. I started going to shul three times a day (I normally go zero times, and don't even put on tallis or tefillin most days), tried my best not to speak loshon hora, and also refrained from masturbating. I managed to refrain for this entire period. After I unfortunately didn't get the job, this felt like a real smack in the face. I had put in so much effort, both intellectually and spiritually for this interview and when I didn't get the job it just made me ask myself "what's the point?", and I started masturbating again (I did manage to keep going to shul three times a day though).
Today is another of those days (different situation), where life has thrown something at me that I would rather it have not. What can I do to stay strong?

guardoneseyes wrote on 25 Jun 2018 18:01:

Realize that God doesn't work on a quid pro quo method.

God speed to you.

I guess I just very strongly believe in reward and punishment. If I masturbate, then G-d will punish me, and if I don't then he'll reward me (or at the very least, not punish me). When I refrain from masturbating and still get punished (at least by my perspective), it just makes me think "what's the point?". If I'm going to get punished either way, then I may as well just masturbate.

guardoneseyes wrote on 25 Jun 2018 18:14:

The world and these concepts are not that simple.

It's not that simple. Because the covenant is very much a quid pro quo concept. But it's not give and take on a small scale.

I think one thing that you can correct easily is the distortions in your mind about G-d's behavior. One distortion you are telling yourself is "if I do A G-d should B in return, or will do B in return." You cannot confidently say these two things about anybody, let alone G-d.

Watch out because these distortions can be a symptom of depression. Say you're a workaholic, and you lost your job. Then you could be pretty depressed, and that could cause to start seeing things as I described above. I'm just throwing it out there, I have no idea if you are depressed or not.

Another comment I have is that thinking about sex and masturbating is not really going to fill the gap left by the job you didn't get. But that wouldn't stop you if you are clinically depressed.

If you were me writing your post I would say that you are not motivated to get clean because you are depressed, and you are not depressed because you are acting out, but because your life has taken a turn for the worse somehow ...

Don't forget that things can get better even though they are not better now.

Welcome  sorry about your disapointment it sounds rough

As you may or may not know Books and Lectures on Emunah are very in vogue nowadays ,I know that for myself reading and hearing these topics helps me deal with disapointment way better and helps me attain a healthier more positive outlook on life , if you need suggestions message me.

Good luck with everything !

Welcome. I also used to "punish" Hashem by masturbating when things didn't go my way. However looking back it was just an excuse. First of all I couldn't control acting out, so at the first measely excuse I excused myself that I "had to do it". Secondly, I couldn't process disappointment. Although we believe in reward and punishment, it is often not meted out in a way we comprehend. 

Hashem Help Me wrote on 26 Jun 2018 21:51:

How did you manage to change your attitude? 

Welcome. I also used to "punish" Hashem by masturbating when things didn't go my way. However looking back it was just an excuse. First of all I couldn't control acting out, so at the first measely excuse I excused myself that I "had to do it". Secondly, I couldn't process disappointment. Although we believe in reward and punishment, it is often not meted out in a way we comprehend. How did you manage to change your attitude? Once the oilam here educated me and convinced me that the "need" to ejaculate is imagined, I did not need to resort to excuses - and instead began the process of stopping. Secondly, I learned how intertwined feelings and acting out were. Although looking back it was so obvious, back then I was blind, so I did not realize "why" I "really" was acting out.