Wow, that sounds good. I guess I still don't know what it literally means, maybe nobody does. But now I can chew on it.

I practiced on my guitar more last night. Once again I was amazed at the level of distraction it provides, having to fingerpick in an exact order. Much like playing a fast paced video game, where every millisecond counts.

And for some reason it gives me a kind of inner peace.

Also, I remember my mother taking me to take guitar lessons when I was in junior high. I hated the lessons, but afterwards she would buy me candy and we'd drive home and she would ask me such things as "who do you love?" Like I do with my kids.

She used to tell me that knowing how to play a musical instrument might be good when I grow up. I feel like the ability to play is a present from her to comfort me now that she has passed on and I'm in jail with my wife raising kids. Which I did for her sake, I might add ...

Gotta practice, practice, practice ...

I was thinking that when it says "this is the Torah, a man who dies in a tent," as an allegory, the word "die" is really apropos because in order to learn well you have to set down the idea that you can tell what's right or wrong. And we know that the cure for the etz ha das is death.

I think I figured out that my anguish yesterday was a hint that I grossly underestimate my wife's challenge in living next to a man. My bipolar disorder strike again. I'm the master of minimization.

Why is there a yellow star on my thread this morning?

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 19 Jun 2018 03:47:

Maybe there are two things going on in this vort. One is that people who love Hashem often get disparaged because people don't get G-d, basically, so they react with scorn. The other is that people that habitually absorb insults and rationalize them are going to necessarily end up like the Sun, which has a very regular path unaffected by anything. There's nothing big enough to throw it off course.

Today at work a woman deliberately paused to see if I would check her out. Even with corner of my eye I could tell that she looks really good. She's done it before. I did ok at the time but I noticed that I'm still thinking about her. So I figured I would write a bit about it.

I think basically I'm debating internally whether to have an affair with her. Ridiculous, but if I'm debating it internally I have to address it seriously.

The good things about having an affair with this woman is that she is crazy about me, she is pretty, and she dresses well. And there is no sex in my marriage, after fifteen years of experience I think that's a pretty safe bet.

Parenthetically, I cannot know for sure that she wants to have an affair. That would be pretty counterproductive for her because she could really damage her career doing it. Also, she recently had a baby and she is married. So it's hard to know for sure that I can really pull it off.

It's much more likely that she wants me to look at her as a treat for her. She wants to know that the brainy religious Jewish guy likes the way she looks.

On the downside, if I do have an affair with her I will forfeit what I have achieved so far as a frum Jew. My wife will leave me and I won't be able to afford to live on my own. Even the few acquaintances I have will never speak to me again. My kids will ask me "why did you do it?" I will lose olam ha-ba. And she will have all the problems that all women have.

Doesn't seem like such a good deal after all.

Day 12

The guitar is really an amazing thing. I hope I am zoche to practice and practice so I have an outlet for my justified blues.

Sometimes it becomes painfully obvious why in this country people pick up a semi automatic weapon and start shooting up people.

My wife has figured out a way to make her nails a new colorful pattern as often as she likes for almost no money.

Sucks for me.

WannabeFree sent me a private text mentioning this guardyoureyes.com/articles/stories/item/what-i-ve-learned-from-my-sex-addicted-wife-and-how-i-ever-married-her

I guess I enjoyed reading it. I think the author says that if his wife is the way she is there must be some reason why he merited this wife (which is to say he needs her.) But I think when ge wrote it he didn't really say what the actual reason was.

In my case I do know, which is why I agree with the article. I may not like it, but I understand what's going on. In fact, my view is that in so far as we are really one neshama, we are both here partly to live through this - the wrong idea that sex is a terrible thing that people inflict on others.

However the details of how we live through it is entirely up to us. We can transcend it, we can give up, we can be on a rollercoaster. But I don't doubt for a minute that everything that is unfolding is intended.

I think there is tendency to think that if I recognize a problem that means G-d wants me to handle it a certain way. That's a fallacy.

13 days, like the Cuban missile crisis

mzl wrote on 21 Jun 2018 01:53:

13 days like bar mitzva!

Still wondering why the yellow star on my thread.

This morning I had a flash of clarity and I was amazed at how I am able to minimize my wife's childhood problem and think "it's no big deal." That's my bipolar disorder. But I think the flash shows that the wall of distortion is cracking, so to speak.

I want to say that saying some kind words to some fellow sex addicts and their good thoughts for me when they read my posts is giving me a zchus to see what I don't deserve to see.

I have been liberally closing one eye when my wife walks by or when she's lying in bed and I walk by her. She and I have had good conversations via phone and text, so speaking without the benefit of seeing may help me relate to her in a more respectful way.