Last night was the worst night ever.  period point blank.  I broke the trust of myself to all that know me.  I became something I have worked hard to be against.  I am a bad person and I will take what happened last night to the grave for repentance is not possible.  I hurt G-d and everyone last night.  I hurt my loving and supportive wife and I hurt myself more then anyone human being will ever know.  My actions last night are undefencable and to me know almost incomprehensible.  I violoted every sacred trust between my wife and myself and I am at a low point in character and self worth.  I did something last night that I can pray for forgiveness and pray G-d and my wife will one day forgive me for but I was completely out of line. 

A road that sometimes seems bumpy with my wife, just got derailed.  Not due to her at all but due to me.  I tried to take over G-d's will and was very wrong for it.  I can say I am sorry to I am blue in the face and it still will not make last night any better in my own mind.  My wife, my rock and friend, I hurt you the most last night and I am deeply sorry but those words I know fall flat.  I can't express the remorse and the absolute gut wrenching feeling I am having right now as I realized what I have done. 

Words can't be enough, gifts couldn't be enough.  All I can pray is that one day she forgives me.  The walls are higher today then they ever have been and rightfully so.  I have broken my wife and that is not a place any human should ever have to admit to.  I have broken her, I have broken her.  She nor myself, might not even know where to start to fix this.  Sci1977 is broken for I have broken the most important part of myself.  I am no longer a good person.  I will repent for my sins and I will ask G-d and my wife to forgive me but how can they forgive me if I might not be able to forgive myself.  Today is today and one that I have never deemed possible for me to get to this state of horribleness.  From this moment on I must be changed.  I am out of words right now other then I am sorry and pray for forgiveness from the one woman I hurt the most.

sci1977,

Your pain is coming through loud and clear.  In my experience in recovery it is almost always the points of pain that flower into growth not the fun great days.  Whether it does flower or not depends on our turning to GOD and with all that pain just throwing ourselves on HIS mercy and asking our Father to carry us because we have no more strength to keep trying to do it on our own.

In SA groups I and others find it very helpful to share the details of our difficulties, falls, victories, everything.  When you share the details of what happened and others can then identify and give you more than general support but say "I have been there to" you will get even more support and healing.

GOD please help sci1977 to know your love for him.

sci1977,

I realized that I responded to your post without knowing much of your story so I went back and read your story and some of your other posts.  WOW!!

I really relate with much of it.  I recognized much of my own co-dependency on my wife in your postings and don't know if that is something you have considered.

As addicts we are very sick people.  We act against our own self-interest with behavior that is destructive to ourselves and others and even though we realize it we still can't stop!! I believe that qualifies us to be considered insane.  I don't mean to get you down, but considering how sick we are I think we often don't give ourselves enough credit and slack.  You don't expect a cancer patient to get up right after chemotherapy and run a marathon and you don't expect a sex addict to get a few months of sobriety and then always behave normally.  It's just not a reasonable expectation.

Talking to myself as well, I think we need to appreciate the progress we've made, understand there will still be problems and everyday turn to GOD and say "I can't do this without you, I need your help"

Hatzlacha

My dear, dear friend. I'm sorry for your pain, and your suffering. Part of falling is, unfortunately, facing the damage that we've done. There's no avoiding it.

But please be careful - you've seen, just as I have, too many people that get down on themselves after falling, and, well...it didn't help them improve. Without going into details, yes, you fell - but right now, your job isn't to feel terrible, it's to get up and move forward.

We all love you - everyone here, and hashem, too. And we all believe in your ability to grow - all your time, all your effort, has not been for nothing. You HAVE grown, and I have no doubt that you will continue to do so, no matter what.

Hey Sci, how are you holding up?

  --Eye.

Hi Guys.  Thank you for your support.  I really didn't have a fall.  I don't want to get into what happened in detail but it was not a fall.  I took trust my wife had in me and hurt it.  Luckily we are working through it.  She is a rock.  G-d is a redeemer.  Thanks to both of them.  I wish I could say the same for business.  For some reason I am getting no where fast.  G-d please help!!!

I thought I posted this before, but I don't see what happened to my message.

DC is starting another group in about 2 weeks.  I highly recommend it.

  --Eye.

Share whatever you feel comfortable with...but please don't scare me like that, if it wasn't a fall!  >

No fall thank G-d!! 

Hi Sci-guy.

Time.

Time heals all wounds.

Just gotta give wounds a chance to heal - you know, keep it clean and dry while it scabs over. Letting it heal on it's own in a gentle, clean, loving environment, will let the scab fall off on it's own without scarring.

The trick is to keep showing your love, and penitence, by the ACTION of GIVING and not taking. Look for ways to volunteer to help out, doing for her chores she doesnt like, WITHOUT being asked and without announcing that you're doing it. Just be kind, and look for continuing ways to earn her trust. Give your mistake MEANING and PURPOSE by using it as an opportunity for growth. And move FORWARD, get your head out of the past, and back into the positive.

Oh, and Jeez Louise, DON'T EVER GET NEAR DOING THAT AGAIN!!

Thanks everyone.  Have a wonderful Shabbos.

Hope you had a great shabbos..how are things going?

Inside joke to myself, no where else to write it but 1500 where are you?  All's well.  Business is slow and no money but G-d will provide if I can just put it in his hands.

Keep staying positive. Sometimes, that;s the only thing we can do - it's the only thing we truly make the decision about.

another day clean and sober.  trying to figure out why business is so bad.  I talk to customers and they all say business is terrible.  Is the economy that bad???  I guess so.  G-d help!!  it's in your ever loving hands.  I am good just business for lack of a better term sucks.  In the past if business or work was bad I would run to the crutch.  Not now.  I don't even think of it.  No slips or falls, non needed or wanted.  "Go to the mattresses."