I have reached 2000 accumulated clean days
I'm holding on 46 days now
I have realized it will never stop (until I get to 120, maybe it'll be a struggle for all eternity).
The Yh"r sends this woman on her daily walking circuit, most days she's near the Shule as I'm arriving. I always look at the ground. Two days ago I looked at her face. I felt like, 'pass me a parachute'. But C"H I didn't fall. But I felt so low. If it wasn't her it'd be someone or something else. And its hard to accept that I'm never going to be resistant to this. Every day is going to be a fight. It won't matter if I get to 90 days or 300 (I know I've been there). Re-wiring, hergel, the tsetel koton of the N"E. 

Shalom u'vracha

fred

Hey Fred
Just like diabetics need to take insulin for their whole lives, we need to keep our guard up for the rest of our lives.
You are doing great! 2000 accumulated clean days is amazing!
Why focus on the one time you took a look at her face when you can focus on the 200 times you held back.
The most unnatural thing for us is to not look and the fact that you are managing that most of the time deserves a pat on the back.
Maybe if you accept the fact that not looking is your insulin you might have an easier time accepting your reality.
Keep on trucking!!!

The prospect of fightin' (or takin' insulin) your entire life stinks (although, to some, it may be necessary, and that is also a blessin'). I choose the "livin' life" option, and it then can be a fight-free life. (That doesn't mean that one should let his eyes roam freely.)

B'hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote on 21 Mar 2017 13:05:

I think its all about perspective.
Taking insulin doesn't mean you are fighting, it means you are living.
Understanding that I am not like other people and I cant go to a beach doesn't mean I am fighting life, its me living life.
Going to a beach would be fighting life (for me)
Living life means knowing what my boundaries are and accepting them.
As I understand it.

It's a question of focus, 
​Yes we have a fight with a persistent enemy in the yh"r whom will never give up. And yes the fact that it is a natural tayva does not make it easier. And yes if this is all you are going to focus on this all day every day it will depress you greatly, the fight will definitely appear unwinnable!! 
So yes like @cordnoy was saying, focus on living life and what is positive about your life, keep your mind occupied, and positive!
One day at a time! (not 1 hr at a time that is too much and too stressful :-)) You just have to win today, and tomorrow ... well tomorrow will bring what tomorrow brings!!!