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The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)
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TOPIC: The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:) 81183 Views

Re: The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:) 18 Nov 2021 07:22 #374390

  • lou
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Hakolhevel wrote on 18 Nov 2021 05:56:

wilnevergiveup wrote on 17 Nov 2021 21:38:

Hakolhevel wrote on 17 Nov 2021 20:46:

reallywanttobegood wrote on 25 Jun 2021 17:48:

Hi all,

Today is a momentous day for me bh.

Day 1000!!!!!!!

Overwhelming!

Whoa, where do I even start??

I'm getting emotional...

First off THANK YOU HASHEM!!! I know without a doubt that this wouldn't have been possible without your loving hand guiding me along.

Next up - A huge shout out to "Hashem help me" who has stood by me from day 1!  If not for you who knows where I would be today! You listened when I needed a receptive ear, you advised when I needed guidance and you scram when I needed a wake-up call!

I'd like to take the opportunity to reflect on some of the hard-earned lessons learned on this 1000 + day journey, from someone who's "been there done that" (think porn, masturbation, phone sex, massage, live sex...)

1) Change / recovery is painful. My definition of Hitting "rock bottom" is the point at which being actively addicted is MORE painful than the pain of change - at this point, change becomes the logical next step.

2) RESPONSIBILTY! - We all have our own back stories, we all have seemingly legitimate excuses, we all have rationalizations. Taking responsibility means that NO MATTER WHAT even if prostitutes would be falling out of the sky - The buck stops by me!! 

A good antidote to rationalizations and excuses is, just picture telling your wife I cheated because I was tired, moody, abused, etc. we all know that logic won't go too far.

3) CONNECT with someone on gye. The opposite of addiction is not sobriety - it's CONNECTION. Addiction thrives on isolation! Have someone that you can share your pain and struggles with. Have someone that you can text, call or meet when the going gets rough. And finally have someone who can be your cheerleader and celebrate your both big and small wins with you!

4) Plan Ahead - Be proactive. If you fail to plan - you plan to fail. The yetzer horah rarely tries to fight us when were doing well, he looks for opportunities when were down and out or caught off guard. When were tired, moody or stressed....
If were proactive, most of the time we can anticipate ahead of time that were about to be in a vulnerable spot. If you know that when you're tired you're vulnerable, then if you come home from a chasunah at 2am don't just go to sleep and hope for the best tomorrow! Call your GYE chaver, text him, make a short term taphsic shvuah, or do whatever else works for you.

4a) Don't become complacent; I'm already in a good place I don't need to be vigilant anymore. COMPLACENCY IS THE BEGINNING OF YOUR LAST CLEAN DAY. While this day can sometimes last a while, if we're complacent it's just a matter of time before we get caught off guard.

5) Take the journey one day at a time. Over these past thousand days I've had times of sheer elation, times of utter frustration, times of vulnerability when I thought that this all might evaporate. Buckle up and get ready for the journey of a lifetime!

6) I'm just a regular person just as special as you! If I can do it so can you!!


Great stuff. Yet, yet...

Here's something I've been thinking about. 
What if #1 doesnt apply? What do you do then?

Then why the heck are you here? 

Because on a conscious level I want to stop. Being a faker is no fun. But deep down, I can't imaging life without porn. Life is missing a lot of flavor without it. When I go too long without it, even if I had intimacy with my wife recently, I still crave it.

​And being that at this time, it seems to me that life is better with it ( albeit occasionally so i can rationalize im not a terrible person), I am not motivated to do what it takes to stop.

AT this point in time, I don't think I need to learn another tool. I think I know the tools that will work for me, but I dont followfollow through with them. As he said, change is painful, and to me right now, the pain of staying where I am is not unbearable.

Hence all the following steps mentioned by him really don't matter. 

I personally think this is why a lot of guys are here for a while and keep falling. They never really ccommited to fully living a life without porn (even if conciously they say they did)

sorry for the spelling, the Gye app is really anno aannoyiNg

Everyone has a different story... My story is different than yours,but I will say that much of you said here really resonates with me. Intellectually, I know what I basically need to do. Intellectually,I am motivated to do so as well...but just it is so challenging and sometimes seems so easy and sweet to just keep the status quo going.
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
Hatzlocha!

Re: The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:) 19 Nov 2021 00:11 #374411

  • hakolhevel
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wilnevergiveup wrote on 18 Nov 2021 06:18:
What I mean is, you certainly have had your rock bottom moments, that's why you are here. No one lives in "rock bottom" all their life (at least no one wants to) so you cannot expect to feel the pain of rock bottom day in and day out. Our minds have a way of burying the pain in order for us to cope with life, otherwise we would go insane. From time to time when we do thongs that are really stupid or "worse than ever" we feel the pain again. Don't sit and wait for another one, you probably know what it feel like, just remember how the last one felt before it was relegated to the unconscious.

There must be something subconsciously nagging you, that's what keeps you coming back, even though you don't really feel it. It's like any pain, we get used to it after a while, until it gets much worse or moves to a different place.

Edit: I didn't see your response when I posted this but I think it's still mostly relevant.

What brought me here was, after the years of marriage (and being clean) I acted out. That's when I got scared. I always assumed my issue was because I wasn't married. Once I was shown it was but, I decided to look for a better solution, so I landed on Gye.

So I did not come here after hitting rock bottom. 

Well after that, i keep coming because it is painful to act out and be a two faced person. However that pain has not been bad enough to make me go through the pain of cHange.

The concept of multiple rock bottoms makes sense to me, I'm just not sure I have experienced it.
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

My other Thread: My Daily Inspiration

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:) 19 Nov 2021 00:15 #374412

  • hakolhevel
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Lou wrote on 18 Nov 2021 07:22:

Hakolhevel wrote on 18 Nov 2021 05:56:

wilnevergiveup wrote on 17 Nov 2021 21:38:

Hakolhevel wrote on 17 Nov 2021 20:46:

reallywanttobegood wrote on 25 Jun 2021 17:48:

Hi all,

Today is a momentous day for me bh.

Day 1000!!!!!!!

Overwhelming!

Whoa, where do I even start??

I'm getting emotional...

First off THANK YOU HASHEM!!! I know without a doubt that this wouldn't have been possible without your loving hand guiding me along.

Next up - A huge shout out to "Hashem help me" who has stood by me from day 1!  If not for you who knows where I would be today! You listened when I needed a receptive ear, you advised when I needed guidance and you scram when I needed a wake-up call!

I'd like to take the opportunity to reflect on some of the hard-earned lessons learned on this 1000 + day journey, from someone who's "been there done that" (think porn, masturbation, phone sex, massage, live sex...)

1) Change / recovery is painful. My definition of Hitting "rock bottom" is the point at which being actively addicted is MORE painful than the pain of change - at this point, change becomes the logical next step.

2) RESPONSIBILTY! - We all have our own back stories, we all have seemingly legitimate excuses, we all have rationalizations. Taking responsibility means that NO MATTER WHAT even if prostitutes would be falling out of the sky - The buck stops by me!! 

A good antidote to rationalizations and excuses is, just picture telling your wife I cheated because I was tired, moody, abused, etc. we all know that logic won't go too far.

3) CONNECT with someone on gye. The opposite of addiction is not sobriety - it's CONNECTION. Addiction thrives on isolation! Have someone that you can share your pain and struggles with. Have someone that you can text, call or meet when the going gets rough. And finally have someone who can be your cheerleader and celebrate your both big and small wins with you!

4) Plan Ahead - Be proactive. If you fail to plan - you plan to fail. The yetzer horah rarely tries to fight us when were doing well, he looks for opportunities when were down and out or caught off guard. When were tired, moody or stressed....
If were proactive, most of the time we can anticipate ahead of time that were about to be in a vulnerable spot. If you know that when you're tired you're vulnerable, then if you come home from a chasunah at 2am don't just go to sleep and hope for the best tomorrow! Call your GYE chaver, text him, make a short term taphsic shvuah, or do whatever else works for you.

4a) Don't become complacent; I'm already in a good place I don't need to be vigilant anymore. COMPLACENCY IS THE BEGINNING OF YOUR LAST CLEAN DAY. While this day can sometimes last a while, if we're complacent it's just a matter of time before we get caught off guard.

5) Take the journey one day at a time. Over these past thousand days I've had times of sheer elation, times of utter frustration, times of vulnerability when I thought that this all might evaporate. Buckle up and get ready for the journey of a lifetime!

6) I'm just a regular person just as special as you! If I can do it so can you!!


Great stuff. Yet, yet...

Here's something I've been thinking about. 
What if #1 doesnt apply? What do you do then?

Then why the heck are you here? 

Because on a conscious level I want to stop. Being a faker is no fun. But deep down, I can't imaging life without porn. Life is missing a lot of flavor without it. When I go too long without it, even if I had intimacy with my wife recently, I still crave it.

​And being that at this time, it seems to me that life is better with it ( albeit occasionally so i can rationalize im not a terrible person), I am not motivated to do what it takes to stop.

AT this point in time, I don't think I need to learn another tool. I think I know the tools that will work for me, but I dont followfollow through with them. As he said, change is painful, and to me right now, the pain of staying where I am is not unbearable.

Hence all the following steps mentioned by him really don't matter. 

I personally think this is why a lot of guys are here for a while and keep falling. They never really ccommited to fully living a life without porn (even if conciously they say they did)

sorry for the spelling, the Gye app is really anno aannoyiNg

Everyone has a different story... My story is different than yours,but I will say that much of you said here really resonates with me. Intellectually, I know what I basically need to do. Intellectually,I am motivated to do so as well...but just it is so challenging and sometimes seems so easy and sweet to just keep the status quo going.
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
Hatzlocha!

Sometimes I actually feel it's more like " Al Chet SheChatanu Lefonecha Beyetze Hara". Meaning even after the yetzer Hara stopped enticing me, and I'm dead tired, and the baby woke up twice disrupting my "fun time" I still go ahead and do it, because it's so sweet and precious to me. Even the Yetzer hara is surprised.
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

My other Thread: My Daily Inspiration

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:) 24 Nov 2021 11:49 #374545

  • Hashem Help Me
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Maybe in one of your intellectual moments, where you really want to stop, sit down with your wife and disclose what is going on. Maybe with her support and intervention, you will be able to move from the intellectual to the emotional. Of course this advice is only if you think your wife is the type to understand and deal with this.... 
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:) 02 Dec 2021 15:00 #374717

  • hakolhevel
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Hashem Help Me wrote on 24 Nov 2021 11:49:
Maybe in one of your intellectual moments, where you really want to stop, sit down with your wife and disclose what is going on. Maybe with her support and intervention, you will be able to move from the intellectual to the emotional. Of course this advice is only if you think your wife is the type to understand and deal with this.... 

Thanks, but I don't think it's a great idea in this case
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

My other Thread: My Daily Inspiration

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:) 14 Feb 2022 04:53 #377369

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Howzit going, brother?
I am a bochur with a passion for meaning and truth, searching to remain clean and live a holy and fulfilling life.

If you are reading this-you have a friend in me.
Feel free to PM me and I'll share my offline contact information, so we can call and text. I'd be honored if you'd trust me with your story and promise to support you in any way I possibly can.
I've been on GYE for over 7 years. "I may walk slow, but I never walk back" (-Abraham Lincoln?).
(For the background and meaning of my username- see Tanya chapter 15).

My current thread 

Re: The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:) 15 Feb 2022 05:13 #377421

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OivedElokim wrote on 14 Feb 2022 04:53:
Howzit going, brother?

Thanks for asking, I was on a trajectory of acting out approximately 3 times a month, most recently (as in the last two weeks) I've held up, which I attribute to two factors
1. Something I will not disclose at this time, as its certainly not for everyone, also I would like to see if it really helps me long term before I go touting it's benifts
2. I'm (mostly) on A dopamine fast. So no websites for any pleasure (news, sports...) Which was a lot of my time. I also haven't listened to  music just for pleasure . I still eat good food.

Now even if this hasn't helped my porn/masturbation issue, it's definitely saved me a lot of time in my day, and it has made me more focused on the things I need to get done, as I have no distractions.
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

My other Thread: My Daily Inspiration

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:) 15 Feb 2022 07:00 #377427

  • wilnevergiveup
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Hakolhevel wrote on 15 Feb 2022 05:13:
... I'm (mostly) on A dopamine fast. So no websites for any pleasure (news, sports...) Which was a lot of my time. I also haven't listened to  music just for pleasure . I still eat good food.

Now even if this hasn't helped my porn/masturbation issue, it's definitely saved me a lot of time in my day, and it has made me more focused on the things I need to get done, as I have no distractions.

I love this idea. Creating a better life for ourselves gives us more to fight for. I find that doing the things that make me feel productive and controlling myself from the things that hold me back from being productive creates a lot of positive energy to tackle my struggles. On the other hand, when I fall prey to wasting time on nonsense, I feel very negative which affects my ability to fight for the things that really matter. 

When I am positive and feeling productive I am happier, and therefore can be more effective sticking to my program.

You're the man! keep it up.
Check out My Thread and The Truth

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com
Last Edit: 15 Feb 2022 12:40 by wilnevergiveup.

Re: The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:) 16 Feb 2022 02:46 #377473

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sleepy wrote on 16 Feb 2022 01:59:

Hakolhevel wrote on 15 Feb 2022 05:13:

OivedElokim wrote on 14 Feb 2022 04:53:
Howzit going, brother?

Thanks for asking, I was on a trajectory of acting out approximately 3 times a month, most recently (as in the last two weeks) I've held up, which I attribute to two factors
1. Something I will not disclose at this time, as its certainly not for everyone, also I would like to see if it really helps me long term before I go touting it's benifts
2. I'm (mostly) on A dopamine fast. So no websites for any pleasure (news, sports...) Which was a lot of my time. I also haven't listened to  music just for pleasure . I still eat good food.

Now even if this hasn't helped my porn/masturbation issue, it's definitely saved me a lot of time in my day, and it has made me more focused on the things I need to get done, as I have no distractions.

i know its not easy  but could you try to make a project to focus on her maalos that she has ,faithful wife, trys to make you happy ,takes care of the kids,good cook, etc

I don't see a connection between what I said and what you are writing?
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

My other Thread: My Daily Inspiration

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:) 22 Feb 2022 13:34 #377747

  • hakolhevel
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So I fell last night. I had they longest streak that I've had in a while, 22 days. I ended my dopamine fast a day or two ago, maybe that contributed , I'm not sure. Regardless I'm going to renew it. 

​Either way, im happy I went so long despite having had many temptations in between. 

My next goal is to go at least a month, one day at a time.

Hatzlacha to us all.
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

My other Thread: My Daily Inspiration

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:) 22 Feb 2022 14:25 #377752

  • trouble
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Hakolhevel wrote on 22 Feb 2022 13:34:
So I fell last night. I had they longest streak that I've had in a while, 22 days. I ended my dopamine fast a day or two ago, maybe that contributed , I'm not sure. Regardless I'm going to renew it. 

​Either way, im happy I went so long despite having had many temptations in between. 

My next goal is to go at least a month, one day at a time.

Hatzlacha to us all.

sorry to hear.
what is a "dopamine fast" please?
i took an oath against web-camming until r"c adar ll - 10 days, no desires even.

hanging from the telefunken high-power wireless station, about a mile from phosphate settlement, nauru
i'm all about that (substantial) bass, no trouble ....

if you're looking for trouble, you can email me @trouble69gye@outlook.com

Re: The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:) 22 Feb 2022 14:25 #377753

Nice job brother!  Sounds like you are celebrating your successes, which can only lead to more and more continued success bezh.  KOT!
If you are really bored, you can check out my original thread here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/305558-Journey-of-one-day-at-a-time 

"Think good and it will be good!"

Re: The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:) 28 Feb 2022 06:57 #377938

  • hakolhevel
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Trouble wrote on 22 Feb 2022 14:25:

Hakolhevel wrote on 22 Feb 2022 13:34:
So I fell last night. I had they longest streak that I've had in a while, 22 days. I ended my dopamine fast a day or two ago, maybe that contributed , I'm not sure. Regardless I'm going to renew it. 

​Either way, im happy I went so long despite having had many temptations in between. 

My next goal is to go at least a month, one day at a time.

Hatzlacha to us all.

sorry to hear.
what is a "dopamine fast" please?
i took an oath against web-camming until r"c adar ll - 10 days, no desires even.

hanging from the telefunken high-power wireless station, about a mile from phosphate settlement, nauru

Google it.
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

My other Thread: My Daily Inspiration

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:) 20 Mar 2022 17:22 #378801

  • hakolhevel
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When I see 26 days on some else's profile it looks really short. When I see it on my own profile it feels like forever
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

My other Thread: My Daily Inspiration

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:) 29 Mar 2022 03:30 #379268

  • hakolhevel
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Hakolhevel wrote on 20 Mar 2022 17:22:
When I see 26 days on some else's profile it looks really short. When I see it on my own profile it feels like forever

For the record, I feel the same about 35 days 

Though I will say my porn temptation has taken a dip for now. Hopefully it drowns in the water.

In the meantime, time to make each day count.
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

My other Thread: My Daily Inspiration

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection
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