Let it out here on the forum, it is normal to feel angry and resentful. However it is very achievable to get over with it. When you consider the big picture, that there is Someone running the show, who caused the baby to ruin it for you, perhaps that means the stars haven't fully aligned yet...
Wishing you much hatzlacha

Thank you LK.

I think what was most insightful, was first I was full of anger and resentment at my baby for not going to sleep, and I didn't even connect the two. Till I realized, the level of anger and resentment I was feeling was 95 percent connected to my desire for S**

Now I'm thinking over many of the times I feel a strong level of anger and resentment, and they also seem to be connected to when things get in the way of S**

As someone here on the forum said, we need to stop taking S** So damn serious

I think what you did was amazing. I wish I may reach your level of self-honesty.
It takes true honesty to recognize our feelings, no matter how negative they are. It doesn't mean we are going to act on them. On the contrary, I imagine your putting the words out, helped dissipate the tension.
In fact, when we are angry, we tend to isolate, which makes things harder. You on the other hand, came forth.
Please keep posting and inspiring us.

.

ihadstringsbutnowimfree wrote on 24 May 2021 17:57:



I Have no problem writing the word Sex, I was just afraid of the the 

Hakolhevel wrote on 25 May 2021 13:24:

I just want to add. At one point last night I did surrender my control over lust, and it worked. My desire to act out disappeared. At that moment I got scared. What, will this really work, does this mean the end of porn. Noooo!!!! And so I proceeded to make sure I act out.

This is why it's a twelve step program, not a one step program. Porn is still the most precious thing in my life and I can't envision life without it.

I will hope work for better days ahead, and hopefully more sane thinking. 

Thanks for listening

There is an interesting fact that the addict’s drug of choice is not, as we would think, his or her problem; it’s a solution.  If it were their problem, they would eventually give it up. But because it is their solution—as a matter of fact, their only solution—they haven’t any real choice of going without it.

The addict uses his or her drug of choice because it serves a crucial, even vital, function. It actually allows them to live, just as food, air and sleep allow normal people to live. If you don’t get enough sleep, you become less productive, moody, even depressed. If you don’t get enough sleep long enough, your body will force you to go to sleep.

Never mind the fact that sleep is necessary for the body to function, and mood-altering chemicals are not. The fact is, for reasons we shall explain very soon, that if the addict could function without his or her drug of choice, then he or she wouldn’t be an addict.

Addiction is a pre-existing condition that drives a person to use. The addict actually uses in order to relieve the symptoms of addiction.

Recovery in a nutshell: addict gets tired of trying to make everything work; addict gives up and lets Higher Power take over; addict experiences unusual freedom, happiness and usefulness as long as, and to the extent that, addict does not renege on previous decision.

Active addiction is self-help (“I take care of myself the only way I know how, because no one else can or will”). Recovery is God-help (“I can’t continue trying to do for myself what only God can really do for me”). If one is a true addict, then one will not recover by trying to get his or her own addiction under control. By the time one is an addict, there is no human power that can make the addiction go away.

.

ihadstringsbutnowimfree wrote on 28 May 2021 19:09:

T'was part of our discussion on the call today.

ihadstringsbutnowimfree wrote on 28 May 2021 19:09:

Thanks, never knew about GYE's other website

So for the first time I'm actually going through the big book, and other 12 step literature (plus joining some call)

I've been an admirer from afar for a while.

So heads up, I'll be posting lines on my thread that really speak to me.

Heres the first from the big book 

If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol.

I saw one today in the Dr's Opinion: ..... one symptom in common: they cannot start drinkin' w/o developin' the phenomenon of cravin'.

cordnoy wrote on 31 May 2021 13:39:

Glad to see you're likin' the doctors opinion

The first requirement is that we be convinced thatany life run on self-will can hardly be a success...

Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each per-son is like an actor who wants to run the whole show;is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, thescenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only peoplewould do as he wished, the show would be great.Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Lifewould be wonderful. In trying to make these arrange-ments our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. Hemay be kind, considerate, patient, generous; evenmodest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, hemay be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But,as with most humans, he is more likely to have variedtraits.What usually happens? The show doesn’t come offvery well. He begins to think life doesn’t treat himright. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes,on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious,as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him.Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is surethat other people are more to blame. He becomesangry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basictrouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when try-ing to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion thathe can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of thisworld if he only manages well? Is it not evident to allthe rest of the players that these are the things hewants? And do not his actions make each of themwish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of theshow? Is he not, even in his best moments, a pro-ducer of confusion rather than harmony?Our actor is self-centered—ego-centric,

- The Big Book
This part of the book hits hard. I'm an actor not the producer.

Looks like some good stuff. Why don't you start a new thread so you can keep your journey separate, and give someone an opportunity to read through it and points of the Big Book separately.