Day 58: It would be amazing if there was a force on earth that would just erase this whole area of the universe. I'm talking about porn, and sexuality run amok. It's really such a sordid affair. It saddens me when I think about how these things affect me, and it saddens me to think how it's affecting others. It seems like such a powerful force. It seems unconquerable and invulnerable. I used to think I just want to get rid of this problem of mine and then forget about it forever. Now, I think I want to first find victory for myself, and then try to empower others.

I've been worrying a lot recently about what others think about me. I was doing pretty good with this for a while. Then I screwed things up by what I did last Motzei Shabbos. It was one week ago and it's still screwing me. The most insane thing is how you can desire something which is the worst possible thing for you. Total insanity. 

Tried joining the morning call today. Was on hold for like 20 minutes. No one else was on. Yesterday there was participation thank G-d. 

Have a lot of pent up stress right now. I feel it in my body. 

I think shabbos is hard for me in some ways. During the week, thanks to electronics, I can keep myself busy if I have extra time (yes, I know what a book is). On Shabbos it's harder. Plus, being tired is perhaps my greatest trigger, and something about shabbos makes me super tired. 

But honestly, who even cares if I fall? The world won't end. Just my streak. I still have a right to exist and have value even if I act out. 

OK, here's the something else that's on my mind. I really don't know enough about my work. I just started and I'm a newb. I don't like being a newb. It makes me feel somewhat incapable. I don't like feeling that. Hopefully, I'll learn quickly. I think I am already, but not quickly enough for me. 

Please don't respond to this post with some flowery sh**.

P.S This is a pretty selfish/self-centered post. But I gotta be honest about where I'm at right now. 

Have a blessed shabbos! 

Great post. You have a lot on your mind. Getting it all out helps lessen the stress. Keep on doing what you are doing and have hatzlocha. And whatever happens those 58 days are yours forever. May Hashem help you with the job and all the other challenges. Good Shabbos

Day 59: Gut voch everyone! I had something I wanted to write about, but I can't remember what it was. Ah well, like my grandmother always says: If it was so important you would remember!

So, instead I'm just going to go ahead and make some bold statements.

1. I will never masturbate again.

2. I will never look at porn again.

Yes, I said never. 

That was sooo much fun. I love making big statements!

I want to dedicate this post to G-d. I have a lot to be grateful for in life. A lot. And it's all due to him. 

P.S This forum is awesome. 

Gut Voch,
I think I might be related, My Grandmother also says that phrase!
I haven't posted in a while, but read every post of yours. I don't want to sound like the flowery thing you do not want to hear. Your posts are inspiring, and honestly amazing. True inner feeling written raw and open for everyone to examine.
It is amazing the difference in tone between day 58 and 59. Keep it up. Focus on the good and just move onwards.
Regarding your day 58 post, please allow me to share my thoughts.

1: Yes, Sexuality is a very potent force of nature. It is probably the strongest force. It is responsible for the population growth from the original 2 people to the current approx. 7 billion people, wars were fought over marriages, etc... Marketing experts have utilized this force to make a multi billion dollar industry called porn, and they use sex to sell everything else. A suggestive looking model can be enough of a reason to replace an entire wardrobe every year.
However, Just as we understand the basic concepts of the laws of gravity and wouldn't leave go off a heavy box unless we are trying to stub our toes, and we apply brakes in a car to stop the laws of motion, so too if we understand the laws of sex we can work within its constraints.

2: Regarding stress and tiredness. I have found 2 different types of people in this regard.
Type A: acted out as a direct result of stress. It was their trigger and they used lust/masturbation to try to numb the stress.
Type B: Stress wasn't a direct trigger. However just as in the physical world, when a person is lacking sleep or stressed, his immune system is down and he can catch illnesses much quicker. So too, when a person is lacking sleep or stressed, his mental immune system is down and he can fall quicker.
There are some subtle differences which perhaps I will explain at a later date.
It took me over 4 years to reconize the effects stress, sleeping, anxious, nervous had to do with my recovery. I was a type A person and finally hopefully rewired my brain to seek healthier alternatives to acting out.

3: The following sentence of yours is so true and very important " I still have a right to exist and have value even if I act out." Thanks!

4: No one likes feeling inferior or  unknowledgeable. Perhaps reach out to people in your industry to learn more. I am constantly learning new skills needed for my work, either via industry related forums, or through QA Sites, and online courses.

Sorry for the long post.
​Hatzlucha Rabba, and a Gut Gebenched Yur.

Day 60: Yay, now I feel like a poodle! I feel amazing! I beat this lust thing once and for all! Masturbation? Who needs it? Porn? Oy, so boring. Everyone always wearing the same color clothes! I just can't be bothered with it all anymore. Wow! I can barely remember the days when I was tempted to do all these shmutzy things. Feels like a million years ago! What was I thinking back then? Well, I'm glad it's all over now. 

Your friend,

IHAVEnoStrength

lol
see you in the real world then!

Day 61: Not holding my breath. 

Two things can destroy one's peace of mind and cause restlessness: not knowing with certainty what one must do, or not believing one can do said thing. Together, these things have an added lethality.

When I know what I should do, and believe I can do it with a reasonable level of certainty, life's good. I move out of myself and into the task at hand. 

The above idea is why leisure time, without a clear idea of how should spend it, can be so deadly to the psyche.

Peace

I wrote a long post and deleted it because it was mostly nonsense. Unclear writing isn't going to help anyone. All I want to say is I hope G-d blesses us all for a sweet new year. 

Day 65: Had a crap ending to shabbos. Was feeling weak/tired/crappy so didn't go to mincha. I just lay around waiting for shabbos to be over so I could take a shower and try to feel a bit better. Was feeling pretty triggered during that time. Didn't act on it in any way thank G-d. 

I'm feeling crappy for feeling crappy.

Sometimes I forget that I have the right to feel crappy.  It's ok if you don't always feel like a snowflake. Sometimes we beat ourselves up for being human. It's wrong. I think I'm going to start an NGO to fight this. 

Thank G-d it's been a year of progress. Perfection? Hellz no! I'd venture to say that's how progress works though. Life
doesn't go straight from shi* to bliss. There are many shades of shi* (and bliss).

Ok, rant finished. I hope some of this was clear enough to be helpful. I'm sorry that I can't always write clearly. I'm trying. 

Day #65? You are amazing, i really look up at you, cant wait to reach this number, 
keep it up brother... you get me going..

thank you! 

clear writing comes from the seichel. 

unclear writing comes straight from the regesh.

seeing someone else's struggles and emotions can be a big chizuk.

i appreciate your sharing- it helps other people as well as you.

Hope Hashem sends you a clean, strong year

Thank you for reminding us we can admit to being imperfect and human. Being able to be honest and share is very healthy and lets out the air of many triggers. You are a great inspiration for all. You are a regular normal person who is BH staying clean. That gives tremendous chizuk to everyone. Continued hatzlocha.

Day 66: While I believe you gotta recognize progress... You also gotta take life's hints that you need to vamp up your game. When things are difficult... It should tell you something maybe...

What is life telling you when things are difficult?

That you need to make a bigger commitment?

That you need to now take it upon yourself to do a million different things?

That you just take on another random thing to do in the realm of chizuk/recovery?

(I hate that word btw, I'm not recovering, I'm growing and becoming inestimably more awesome, not just reverting to a pre-addicted self.)

Nah, I don't think so.

I think life is telling you to take on something small, that using your best judgement, you think will help you. For example these new gye whatsapp broadcasts are great... But they aren't helping me. If I could do everything I'd continue listening to them. But you can't do everything. So I cut them out. I'm replacing them with something else.

Do something easy and small today that will help you. Then do it again tomorrow. 

Peace

Day 68: I think having relationships with people makes one feel happier than having personal success. If this is true, then it's quite funny how so many people believe the opposite to be true. 

P.S Not talking about romantic relationships. Most people think they make one happy...

And continued Hatzlocha, chaver! There are so many messages in your posts that I enjoy, thanks for sharing these honest reports with us 'from the field' of your real life!