Ihavestrength wrote on 21 Aug 2017 16:28:

Good for you!

Day 34/35: I need GYE. I need recovery tools. It would be nice if I could just forget about it all and move on in life, but it's not going to happen. I need my smartphone too, for recovery and other things. Sometimes we hate the things we need. Dependence can be tough. Sometimes dependence is the better of two options though. 

Ihavestrength wrote on 23 Aug 2017 14:06:

Brother!!!! this is here to stay, i feel your pain, but thats the fact, and by the end you will get rewarded for it...... and yes GYE is the answer, its the greatest tool i had find...

Day 36: I called into the noon call yesterday. Someone spoke about self compassion. He spoke about how we want compassion from others. However, rarely will we get it. He posited that we have to give it to ourselves.

I very much agree with him. Try being respectful and considerate to YOURSELF for one day and see how you feel. Maybe start with respecting your rights to have feelings. Maybe start with treating yourself as a good friend instead of a slave. Would you say what you say to yourself to another? I think not. 


On a separate note: Why is ODAAT (one day at a time) hard to implement for so many? I think one of the reasons (in my experience) is because you don't have any peace of mind.

Each day is a burden. So no wonder the only solace is the fact that your days of sobriety are adding up. Hopefully to a number where you will allow yourself to stop hating yourself too much. 

But, if each day is OK, maybe even really good sometimes, you are in no rush to reach tomorrow. This day has intrinsic value. It's a beautiful day that G-d made. 

Have a blessed day people! 

Day 37: Read "A personal story" in the white book today. Good stuff. I'm really missing the morning calls. It's also ridiculous how both the morning and noon calls consistently begin at least a half hour late. Just change the official time and make it a half hour call for heavens sake.  

Good shabbos!

Day 38/39: I'm slacking off on the daily writing. Mostly because I have nothing to write about. 

I had a slip last night. Today I called two great people and shared it with them. Some people call doing that surrendering. I don't need to write about it here now.

Who's listening anyways? 

This website is an interesting place. So many different people and ideas. Such confusion. It's my confusion too. Nothing is more dangerous than confusion me thinks. 

Going on this website at night may not be so smart for me. It's triggering in some ways. 

I think people are very alone nowadays. The level of privacy we can maintain today is unprecedented in all of history. 

I'm starting a new stage soon. A new job (hopefully). A new city. Could be scary. A full time job. I've never done that before. What if I'm not capable of doing what I must? Maybe I'll be embarrassed if I fail? 

One thing is for sure. It's going to go according to G-d's plan. Sometimes I want to have all the info before I act. This is stupid. We act only to know evermore. 

TIred. Why can't I go to sleep early? I suppose I think there isn't any way I'd fall asleep. I'm scared of the being alone with just me. 

In the dark. There is nothing and no one to comfort me.

I think 99.9 percent of (my?) suffering is from not having clarity. Clarity about one's role, one's place. The hard part is getting to that clarity.  יש אבוך גדול 

Night. 

P.S Never read such drivel as this in the entirety of me very short life. (Please don't agree with me.) I don't care though. How much really matters when it's all said and done. Writing drivel is better than not writing at all. 

I listen. I like you. I admire your courage. (When i can't fall asleep I play guitar, sometimes it helps me.) It's soooooooooooooo not drivel. You write your feelings. That brings them into the consciousness. The etsem writing helps. Hashem's plan for you is gooooood. Hashem loves You, and me. He really knows what he's doing. Much Hazlocha with new city & job. May you feeel Hashem's smile, love and encouragement.

I need to surrender something. I called about five people and no one answered. So I'll write it here at least to start. 

I just did something crazy.

My neighbor was outside mowing her front lawn. I always wanted to see if she has a pretty face, but I was always too shy (read: scared of looking like a pervert) to look at her face when I did see her. Plus, I never did get too close anyways.

So I peered at her through the crack in the blinds. I couldn't really see clearly though.
Then, I remembered an old pair of binoculars I had found when I was cleaning out my desk. I used them in order to get a better look.

I think I now know she is pretty. Can't say for sure because she was wearing sunglasses. 

So I guess I can move on now right? 

I was hoping to get something from looking. G-d knows what, because I sure as hell don't. What would I have gotten even if she would have taken off ALL of her clothes? Would I be satisfied then? 

I think maybe I was looking for excitement. Why's don't matter much here though. It's the whats. What am I going to do.

Sometimes I think regret comes from some irrational idea of thinking you can change the past. If you realized you can't why don't you just move the fu** on!?

Do I feel like a loser? Yes, a little. But what I really feel, is what it's like to be insane. 

What am I going to about it? I'm going to get my a** working on the steps now. 15 minutes today at least. I'm going to call my sponsor to schedule a time to talk. If he doesn't have time for me I shall find another sponsor. It's life and death here. 

I know how you feel. For me, it's a feeling that puts its hooks in my brain and says, "You have to look! You have to look!" If I resist, the voice says, "You're going to miss out! How can you miss this?" If I hold on for a few more seconds, the voice fades away into nothing. As time goes on and I accumulate more successes, I can resist the initial feeling and keep the hooks out of my brain with the knowledge that I can wait it out for a few seconds.

I can also relate to your other point. At some point I asked myself what is the ultimate goal of the staring and looking game. If a woman jumped in front of me and took off all her clothes would I then be happy? The answer is no. I would be more frustrated. The staring and looking game just adds frustration.

Another trick my mind likes to play is "There's nothing to see there. Why not take a look and prove it?" And that is a great example of addictive thinking. 

great first step experience
And look on the bright side, now you can add voyeurism to your MO

GrowStrong wrote on 28 Aug 2017 22:08:

Is that really "a bright side"? 

Day 40: Still sober. 

Random insight: No matter how many days of sobriety you've got, you'll always be better off staying sober today. 

Day 41: Morning call. Empathy and what we do when feeling stuck was spoken about. Ok, time get kicking some...

Here are done some random thoughts: A bad plan is better than no plan.

Any decision is better than indecision. 

When life is tough I think, why G-d? 

When it gets good I think, I don't deserve this! This leads to guilt. 

Turns out I don't know too much about
G-d.