Day 2: How can someone stop becoming angry or upset? Taking all suggestions

I'm hopeful this time around, because I'm making sure to actually do something to facilitate recovery instead of just trying to will this problem away. 

Ihavestrength wrote on 21 Jul 2017 13:42:

Not sure about stopping it but step 4/5 has helped me handle it much better (you did say all suggestions : )

Therapy can definitely help with that

Day 3: I had a nice shabbos B"H. Figuring out how not let anger and resentment build. (I think this is my biggest trigger.)

When I recognize that the only thing I can control are my choices, and that the way I respond to people's actions should be based on what's right for me to do, rather than the response they are deserving of, I'm much calmer.

Also, keeping in mind that emotional wellbeing and happiness don't come from without doesn't hurt either. Obviously, some situations aren't ideal, but overall with good choices a person can be ok. Doing what's right and responsible = self esteem. Self esteem= emotional well-being.

Somewhat unrelated note: I read something about this struggle everyday. Either the chizuk email if there is one, or part of the handbook. I've read it several times before, but this time I'm reading it slowly for maximum absorbtion.  

Have a great week! 

Day 4: I had a pretty good day B"H. Read tool 3 (guarding your eyes) in the handbook today (no chizuk email). It talks about tips for guarding your eyes on the street and on the computer. I found that most if it doesn't apply to me. I never really had a problem guarding my eyes on the street, I am just too bashful to look. (Read: wouldn't want to be looked at as a creep )

Also, nothing is more triggering for me than having strong filters. In my experience it's not the triggers (as in sights of lust) that lead me to acting out. It's feeling angry/stressed/resentment that leads me to seeking out lust which leads to acting out.

In a word, if I'm feeling emotionally healthy I don't seek out lust, and if I'm feeling terrible no tip will help me I'll get my fix somehow. Like dov said once, I only act out when I feel I need it to survive

Actually if I would worry about all those rules it would probably just put an unhealthy focus on lust for me. Obviously for many people those tips are super useful. Just pointing out that even being a crazy addict you know yourself best sometimes. 

Why is it that it's so hard to like my family sometimes? Anyone?  (Maybe anyone who you live with for years would get annoying?) 

Day 5: B"H another day. I don't think that trying to be super friendly and smiley is so smart when it's not your personality to act like that. Why? Inevitably, you will fail and feel bad. Who cares? Well, feeling bad can lead to worse things than not being mister smiley. Oh, and you probably won't be mister smiley when you're feeling bad anyways. 

Not saying you should be mean or unfriendly. Just that sometimes it's smarter not to fight your nature. Maybe

Ihavestrength wrote on 24 Jul 2017 19:17:

עבדו את ה' בשמחה  
even after a fall, be happy that your hashems child.

Day 6: I found another major trigger. It's called frustration. I was trying to daven and my ears were clogged in the most uncomfortable way. Nothing I was doing was working to unplug them. This made it super difficult too daven. Sounds stupid but I guess HTBT applies here  

Deep breaths, take a step back. It's gonna be ok.

On a somewhat related note: I find that it's difficult for me to daven without a minyan. Especially shachris and especially later in the day. I think it's imperative for my mental health to daven with a minyan. 

Day 7: B"H one week. Level 3! Woot! Tired as heck. G night. 

Day 8: Listened to Dov's call on the maapilim. His basic point was that it's a derech eretz problem (for many), stop trying to use Torah, and get help. 

It's funny, I used to think that when I was feeling weak I need to try to figure out the way to get rid of these desires. I thought I needed to hear the perfect thing that will keep me sober forever. Now, when I'm feeling weak it generally means I need an escape from life.

What's needed is not a turn off. (There is not really a sexual need here.) What's needed is courage. Courage to live life. Courage to be responsible with my life today and make good choices.

Living responsibly is the only way to lasting happiness. This is mainly NOT referring to staying sober. Living. Yes, I need to stay sober. It's necessary for a responsible life, because acting out is gross irresponsibility. However, it's not even close to sufficient for a good happy life. (If you think that the good feeling of being clean alone will make you feel content with your life you are being delusional.)

I think as long as you hold onto the fantasy that pleasure is the key to happiness you will be miserable. Even if everything went entirely your way the whole time and you got all your desires you wouldn't be content for long.

I need to write on my heart this simple truth: Acting responsibly leads to self esteem which is wellbeing(generally). Doing what's right because it's right, not what feels or looks good.

I'm not talking about not masturbating because it's wrong! I'm talking about the other thousand choices we face everyday. May Hashem give us all the courage to act responsibly and ignore the lies we spin ourselves, to stop living in our heads and just act.

Day 9: Thank G-d. I'm so far from figuring anything out but it's ok. Courage is living without all the instructions. 

Have a great shabbos!

Day 10: If you are living life a bit healthier than you were before you can feel good even about a short streak. Sometimes 10 days of feeling good is better than months of suffering while being clean. Here's one thing I've been doing today: Giving up on figuring out life.

I think you need a long streak to feel ok about yourself if you're trying to become invincible. If you're comfortable with being less than perfect you don't need it. Still would be nice though

P.S This is mostly nonsense but I made a commitment to write everyday, so what can I do?

My personal experience: Keeping up consistency is great and everything that I needed to be figured out was figured out so long as I followed my Higher Power. I love reading your deep thoughts on life. 

Day 11: You've got to be a little crazy to accomplish your goals; for you will always have great reasons to quit. 

Day 12: Here's the secret to life: engage in it.

There is nothing less pleasureable than just being comfortable. Learning and creating aren't chores, they are life's greatest pleasures. 

Easy fast!