I'm happy! I'm sooo happy! See, I'm in a tough situation here. I sleep alone in a room by myself. I'm​ having a hard time sleeping recently, and this really triggers me to fantasize. This is bad enough, but it gets worse. Through fantasizing I can actually be motzei zera lvatala (as in without touching). For some reason doing this is particularly tempting. 

So why am I happy? I'm happy, because even though I was in bed hoping I'd fall asleep/fantasizing for an hour and a half at least, I managed to stop myself! 

So still clean! It's getting really scary. I can't sleep and it's driving me crazy. Sleeping alone really triggers me to fantasize, and I don't see a solution. This is getting really unmanageable. It seems my urges are getting stronger. I don't know what to do. 

In truth, I feel horrible about fantasizing, I just want to sleep. I don't really like this part of myself. 

However, I'm still super proud of myself! I didn't give in! 

There is two things that happened here. 1. I let myself fantasize (not good). 2. I stopped and didn't "finish". (Good)

So why should I focus on the bad when I can focus on the good. 

I don't know why this is suddenly a challenge. Ahhhhrg!!!  I only started doing this in the past couple of days or so. 

Ihavenostrength wrote on 05 May 2017 05:18:

There'll be challenges you never knew. I think because deeper potentials are locked within you and now they're coming to the fore, therefore more cannon fodder for the YH. As the gemora in Sukkah says, the greater the man, the greater the yetzer. And It's good. Means the blood's still flowing.

I thought my challenge was xxx sites. Then I stopped. Then it became social media and blogs. bad blogs. Then I stopped. Then it became youtube and the like. Then I (well I think so) stopped, BH. Then it was just magazine pictures, shopfronts, anything with skin that walks really. 

Wonder what the next step will be.

Who cares if it's not for today.

Ihavenostrength wrote on 05 May 2017 05:18:

A man allergic to milk, drank milk his whole life.
He didnt realize he was allergic to milk, because the symptoms were mild.
One day he went to a specialist who did a work up and showed him that he was completely allergic to milk, and if he stopped taking it all the symptoms would go away.
So he stopped taking it.
83 days after not drinking any milk, by mistake he was given a milk chocolate bar that said parev on it (he was not meaty (or he was not jewish but that doesnt fit the parev part)
The reaction was instant and quite violent.
He broke out in a rash, heart beating fast, stomach turned to bile.

Sorry if this should be in the story time post.

GrowStrong wrote on 05 May 2017 11:02:

Super mashal!

I have insomnia. I listen to a podcast called "Sleep with me." It's 100% clean and it knocks me out. I've struggled with sleeping since I've been small (I'm 6 feet tall) and I have a solution now.

Singularity wrote on 05 May 2017 08:50:

Skin it is. Walking or pictures. I had the same progression; fascinating. 

Rabbi, you are at day 84, please do it for me, don't kill it, if you will make it, it will be a big support for me, and when you are in bed, just think about me.
regarding your fantasy, I fully understand you, my biggest struggle is in bed, even I'm not alone in the room, the only good solution for that is, have a good book, and keep on reading until you eyes are rolling.
stay strong, stay clean.

This is a PM I sent to a tzadik who asked me how the night went. After I wrote it I thought to post it on the forum as well. 

Thanks for thinking of me. B"H I made it through the night clean. Even in the morning I was quite tempted. I realized that I'm more addicted to getting aroused than to masturbating. Obviously it leads to masturbating. It's like an arousal addiction. I got up in the morning, went for a mile and a half run, and took a cold shower. Then it hit me. I used to use pride as a motivator, by telling myself have some self respect, how would you feel if someone walked in. I lost that recently. I've been treating myself like a child, by allowing myself? to test the limits. Now I'm thinking act out if you want, for it's only you who will lose, after all it's your life. 

Another point. We write the narrative of our lives, and we decide how to view our histories. 

So I don't view these past nights as failures. On the contrary, they indicate my strength and ability to resist even when I was extremely aroused. Obviously it was self imposed arousal, and it was stupid. However, nonetheless it taught me of the strength of our ability to resist. If a boxer gets injured in a fight, but wins despite it does that make him less a victor? No, it shows he triumphed even when handicapped. Mind you, I will do everything in my power never to go there again. 

I think two things brought me down. 1. Looking at the past ( feeling down about fantasizing the other night). 2. No healthy sense of pride. 

For today I will try to live with two maxims. 1. "New day, new life." 2. "Have some pride". 

Also, I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far. I don't care if other people don't struggle as much with this. It doesn't make them better than me. Who's to say how they would do in my situation?

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 05 May 2017 14:13:

2 things
1) Do not put more pressure on him
2) Why are you so dependent on him you have been doing great yourself

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 05 May 2017 14:48:

It's ok.

You write so well that I find it intimidating to respond.
Thanks so much, I get loads of Chizuk from your posts!
(Also btw thanks for the pm not ignoring it just didn't have a chance to read the article yet)

you've led me to the next step. Iyh when I reach 90 clean once again I'd like to iyh bli neder try not to get aroused on purpose.

Your a shining light, thank you!

good shabbos!

I just wrote a whole post about my fall today, but the session expired and I lost it. Well, maybe another time. 

Ihavenostrength wrote on 07 May 2017 02:30:

Let me tell you something, when a small child falls on the street his parents runs to pick him up, they clean him up, and what do they tell him? Dont cry, nothing happen, everything will be fine, just watch out not fall again.
you are a child from hashem, dont worry, hashem is picking you up, he will clean you, but please watch out not to fall again, we will hold your hands.
stay strong.

Ihavenostrength wrote on 07 May 2017 02:30:

Ouch. Sorry to hear. Sometimes when climbing a mountain it is necessary to go down and cross through a ditch in order to continue the climb. Ask Hashem to help you get up and move on. We will stick with you no matter what (as long as you stay connected) and iyh celebrate each new day with you as you head for recovery.

Sorry to hear about the fall

Sounds like you already picked yourself up Great job

Take a look at the last 2 pages of my thread if you want some really good posts from the great truckers of yesteryear 

KOMTNMW