Day 79: Finished listening to Dov's Thursday day. Great stuff.

As we grow we have to up our game. What motivates a child may not work to motivate an adult. Is that bad? Something to get scared about? No, of course not. It just means you've grown a bit. 

Day 80: Wow, I like big numbers. So great and so thankful. I'm a little less scared of falling now. Not because I think I'll never act out again. It's just that I know I can, with G-d's help, stay sober today, and that's all I really care about. 

Hmmm, now I need to solve my total lack of motivation to do anything. I'd be a good retired person I think. 

Big numbers are good. the biggest I can think of is 1. 
Hatzlacha. You inspire me daily. 


Just don't retire the trucking!!!

 

DDont get too comfortable, becuase the cliff is unnoticeable, 
keep it up, anther 10 TODAYS.... not that bad 

You know why my name is Ihavenostrength? It's my name because it's the unadulterated truth.

I have no strength, it's pathetic. I need serious help. I'm so screwed up. 

I almost acted out about 5 minutes ago. I didn't touch my penis or look at anything inappropriate. I don't need to. I can't even bring myself to physically (with my hand or rubbing against something) masturbate. My brain just shouts stupid! if I would try. 

I can think myself to orgasm though. Without touching or applying any physical pressure at all. So I started fantasizing and was a second away from climax and then I threw off the covers and jumped out of bed. 

I know it's not good for me but I feel that it would be great. I don't feel good. I really want to feel good. That's​ what led to this moment. I'm not happy with myself. Nothing makes me feel that good. 

What stopped me at the last second? It wasn't my taphsic that I would tell a rabbi who I know, for in truth I don't know if I'd keep it. I think it was thinking about how I would have to write about my acting out here on the forum that stopped me. Perhaps also the thought of starting over again. Another pathetic cycle.

I've lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. Belief that one day it will be ok. 

It was easier to trick myself into doing this vs. regular masturbation. For after all, I'm just thinking, I told myself. It's almost like dreaming. I felt like I needed a release so badly. I felt like I deserved one. Is it so horrible not to want to feel miserable? 

Even as I write this I'm of two hearts. One, relieved that I held myself back, the other desiring, wanting to feel good and wondering if I ever will.

If any of you have something to say that you think might be useful plz share. Thanks 

I really don't think I have something useful to share, Just a small note of thanks.
I read some of your recent posts and you inspired me immensely. I know the taphsic would't help me. It is posts like yours that give me strength. Please don't let us down tonight.
Hatzlacha Rabba!

I used to do exactly the same thing. Somehow I convinced myself that a release without touching was ok. But I learned it's a big fat despicable lie. We don't need the release. I had to tell that to myself hundreds of times. Withdrawal from it made me cry. I appreciate your share because I thought I was the only nut who could climax without touching. Even here on the forum someone once wrote he didn't understand what I wrote because "how does that work?" And yes, knowing that I would have to report it in writing along with telling someone on the phone about it was a major deterrent. Keep the faith brother! May Hashem give you strength.

Started crying after reading both of your posts. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

IHaveNoStrength
The clarity of your recovery is truly admirable and worthy of massive brochah.
May Hashem bless you with shefa in everything you do.

GrowStrong wrote on 02 May 2017 05:22:

I don't feel worthy. I feel like a disgusting pervert. 

I was remiss however, thank you for your kind words and beautiful bracha.

Ihavenostrength wrote on 02 May 2017 05:53:

Note the attitude, it can be changed.
I have spoken to quite a few people in the past few months who are grateful to be perverts.

GrowStrong wrote on 02 May 2017 06:53:

True.

I'm grateful I am because I couldn't have gotten to where I stand right now in life without it. Perhaps. 

Keep going, strength! inspiring journey!

And I still am learning to be grateful 

Ihavenostrength wrote on 02 May 2017 05:53:

A "disgusting pervert" would not have stopped before the climax. You did. The yetzer hora, when unsuccessful in getting us to sin, tries to make us feel like losers anyway. Once we feel that way, we throw in the towel and sin so much easier. You are a ben melech who stood up to an extremely difficult nisayon. If you allow yourself some pride for having done so, that horrible feeling you are experiencing will subside, and will iyh help you not get started "testing yourself" in the first place. Continued hatzlocha.