Thanks for sharing. Praying for you to have the willingness to engage in life. 

bb0212 wrote on 05 Jan 2018 18:47:

I understand what you say, I'm actually in the same situation & I need רחמי שׁמים. But in the mean time please don't give up on the fight. Every time you don't act out you are doing a big thing. For me it's not the same all the time, sometimes it's easier & sometimes it's harder. I don't want to give in when I'm stronger just because I will fall later.

Well, one things gotta give. Although I didn't want to type this out, avoiding it won't make it go away and it's something that needs to be dealt with asap. Finally, I was told to start looking for another job. I have one more week if work at where I currently am. This has gotta be a good thing so here's to my next job. Lchaim! All I need now is to update my resume and buy a car. And decide to start living again/ staying clean again...

While it is true we need to start living again, as Rabbi Twerski's book says seek sobriety find serenity, not the other way around. You will need to find a formula that works for you (with help of other real people) to get the bottom line - sobriety. Living life will follow along with time and hard work.

What I discovered after being clean for a short while, was that I did want to live life, but I also really wanted porn. That creates a problem because they don't go together. 

Hatzlacha

bb0212 wrote on 27 Dec 2017 08:56:

So I thought of a lesson that I can learn from this.  The truck driver saw the damage on my car and then took off.  He couldn't afford to have an accident on his record,  he might lose his job that way. 
When I'm trucking,  there may be occasions that I crash. For the past few weeks I've been crashing.  I need to look at this crash and book!  I CAN'T HAVE THIS FALL ON MY RECORD!  I can't sit around and wait for the authorities (self negativity,  Yetzer Hara, whoever) mark this down on my record.  All I should do is leave the scene!  Get out!
Tonight is Shabbos.  BH, Shabbos is always easier for me.  Bli Neder, I'm  comitting to stay clean from now through next Shabbos.  To help with that,  I will take on a taphsic which I haven't kept since my last streak.

Taphsic (this applies only as long as I remember the taphsic)
Before consciously looking at a sexually desired object (let's call it what it is, when I look at a person just for her looks, I'm looking at her as an object), I need to talk to a specific guy (over the phone or voicemail if he doesn't answer,) or, if I can't get through to him,  say 1 perek tehillim & text him to check in. 
If I consciously look without calling or texting first, I will need to give $5 to tzedaka. 

If I am already looking subconsciously,  as soon as I realize what I'm doing I have three seconds to stop.  

Shabbos/yomtov instead of calling/texting say 1 perek tehillim &  ask Hashem to help & to let the individual that I'd otherwise call (if it was a weekday) know for me.

Even though I only specified looking,  this applies to everything regarding shmiras habris/shmiras einayim.

Also want to thank everybody that's part of my support team without getting specific.  You know who you are and if you're not sure,  then you are.  This post (and commitment)  wouldn't have happened if not for you guys. Btw, included in my support team are folks over here that post on their threads and perhaps never contacted me directly,  but I've been inspired by so many of you.  Thank you Hashem for this moment in my life! 

Way to go buddy!

Hi BB,
How was Shabbos? Did you find a new job already? I hope everything is OK.
Hatzlocha Rabba!

lionking wrote on 28 Jan 2018 21:48:

• Hi,  thanks for asking! Shabbos was great,  so far I'm still clean since my previous  post. Re the job,  I'm waiting for confirmation that I have a new job iyH

Hey,  bH I'm still clean.  BH I got the job & will be starting beH on Monday. 
(:

bb0212 wrote on 02 Feb 2018 08:12:

Mazeltov! Hashem's got your back! (even if you don't have his )

mazal tov hatzlocho on the new job

Hey,  bH my job is going well. 

A few minutes ago,  I  had a 1/2 fall.  No masturbation, but some forbidden searches & a bit of touching. This went on for a few minutes.  Remembered my taphsic and stopped.
Initially,  once I looked,  the thought process was "I already looked,  so now I fell.  Once I already fell,  what's a few more minutes?"

Being that I stopped as soon as I remembered the taphsic, I'm keeping the count. Thank you Hashem for giving me the strength to stop! 

Super!

Been falling multiple times all week... Dunno if I really care...

Your post sounds like you really do care.
It sounded more like an SOS call than like a parade tooting their horns.

You were there for me in the past, and I really appreciate it. Would you like to chat? My email has changed. You can pm for details.

I fell twice last week. However I just looked at the 90 day dairy and noticed that since when I started to properly keep track on Apr. 23 this past year, I've had 302 cumulative clean days. I'm not trying to toot my horn. It was people like you and others who have been very helpful to me.

I've had periods like you describe, which I felt like I don't care if I fall. However, life's got it's up's and down's. Don't let the down's get you.

Hatzlocha Rabba!