a little not really will post later bl"n

hey markz/cordnoy look what i found, about the karma thing
Ezra wrote on 20 Mar 2015 00:06:

cordnoy wrote on 20 Mar 2015 01:33:

the old posts have the best things

czworking123 wrote on 28 Dec 2016 22:00:

Nice.

And in our case here, it was the negative karma that smacked someone in the face.

anyways to the point here i'll try to tell my story (moderator if this should be in the balei battims forum let me know).

first a disclaimer I LOVE my wife and she has been a great source of strength and i in no way harbor any resentment towards her. also my background is totally yeshivish though my parents are from more modern backgrounds and would be considered balei t'shuva and have an older brother that went off for a while(see #4 below) but s now married and growing a frum family but not a yishivisha guy.

it started when i was 7 or 8 with m totally accidental and didn't know a thing (even asked hashem that whatever just came out of me shouldn't be a medical issue) and it developed to p on the internet finding ways to sneak onto the computers .... even was caught a few times all before my bar mitzvah then in 9th grade over heard a joke tried it myself and now was also hooked to phone chats and the like ... got caught a few times even admitted it a few times over the years opened up to my parents a few rabbaim mashgiach didn't help for to long just found ways to cover it up more ... in bais medrash years never got caught and really went nuts with the phones ... went to israel and continued stats quo admitted it once when messed up and got a friends card charged but didn't stop for to long got married AND STILL CONTINUED but wife found out ....

now about 3 days before signing on to gye wife busted me again so here i am.

my problems are like this :
1)I'm not a outgoing person by nature and do not have alot of friends which gets to be lonesome
2)my loving wife cares alot but is a very closed person upstairs and downstairs and has been the cause for much tension and stress (yes some has to do with my warped mind but i really feel not all of it is bec. of it ) (cordnoy i think here is where we will relate the most)
3)i'm a sensitive soul that gets down and needs outlets from the stupidest things that really should not bother normal people
4)I was the cause (there were other reasons but i started the process) my brother was so angry for years for he was blamed for using the internet for p when i started and i have still never told him or apologized and it still eats me up.
5)family tensions are skyrocketing since my fathers petirah a few years ago and it drives me insane to see everyone fighting and it does not help that we are the "mediators" for everyone.

well that that any comments or points that need to be clarified please let me know really want to finish this though i know it can take a long time

that is exactly what i was getting at

czworking123 wrote on 28 Dec 2016 23:03:

Nobody understands this, as you do not address who you are referencing.

That is the advantage of the quote button.

Sorry to hear about all that.

#4 can eventually be dealt with.

The others are all variables in this addiction (or whatever you call it) of ours. Ultimately, there is little difference between the longer and the outgoin' guy regardin' this. Large family/small one. Happy or sad. The bottom line is we/i/you have an issue and we gotta fix it. Yes, a fuzzy relationship with wife would be ideal, but sadly, that is not the case. We must fix ourselves, or we will need the excuses all our lives. Is that what you want?

It wasn't what I wanted.

B'hatzlachah

Thank you for sharing. It sounds to me like your behaviors progressively get work. I also hear a certain amount of powerlessness and unmanageability. I can relate to thinking I don't have resentments against my wife.

hatzlacha

Thank you for your share. Sounds pretty intense. I relate a lot to the story. You said you opened up to people in the past and it didn't help, what else didn't help? The first step to finding a solution is identifying the problem.

I also have to admit that the part about thinking an ejaculation was a medical problem was quite funny to me. The first time I masturbated I thought I had peed.

Shlomo24 wrote on 29 Dec 2016 00:42:


I thought I was going to die,

serenity wrote on 29 Dec 2016 01:04:

Anythin' before Woodstock I don't remember.

serenity wrote on 29 Dec 2016 01:04:

Why?

cordnoy wrote on 28 Dec 2016 22:56:

sorry this is what i was referring to when i said that was the point i was getting at

having a hard day lots of stress and unexpected turns just don't have time to breathe really frustrated ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH(actually feel a little better after that)

will try to answer all the above when have more time

please keep me thinking i really appreciate it

cordnoy wrote on 28 Dec 2016 23:24:

no i dont want to live with excuses thats why im  here