So much later and I was giving up so much, but it is no use giving up trying to be sober. I totally failed but ignoring GYE is definitely not the way. I hate te name i chose here on the forum. It is actually of Bert and Ernie (zipje and zopje) but I totally mis-knew the english other word, and found out later. I cannot change it, bah. 
But here I am then with all my shame and failure, with the one option that I have: being inspired by others and keep on resetting my mind to a new way of understanding my addiction and trying to reach 90 days without it. Starting again today. Who knows..