I want to share a few things

• I am still resentful of people with more sobriety than I have. And sometimes I wish they'd just crash and burn so I can have a haughty laugh about it. But I feel in general I like watching things around me crash and burn.
• When I look for porn I don't like the real stuff, it feels too plastic. I tell myself, "No I want to watch a scene from a movie or something instead, there's character investment, art, buildup, etc. It's more real". Then I laugh and realise NONE OF IT IS REAL man, I'm just kidding myself!!! Haha, I'm hopeless.

Hey it's really great to have you back!!

I'm not sure if I have more sobriety than you  because you seem to have a lot of experience and really know how to deal with this challenge, but I will the say the key to my sobriety has been committing to never say I was hopeless and staying positive no matter how low I sunk. (Also, taking baby steps...)

Singularity wrote on 24 Apr 2020 11:49:

Well, at least you won't resent me!

And regarding the second point, I think the same way, except the part of being real.

Singularity wrote on 24 Apr 2020 11:49:

Thanks for sharing. I relate to these points a lot Re 1: This made it difficult for me to be active on GYE after a while away. I was resentful of people with more sobriety, specifically those that treated me like a newcomer, even though I had way longer stretches of sobriety than they ever did.

Re 2: I'm much the same way, but I think there may be a silver lining there. It implies that I recognize that porn is fake and that what I am are really looking for is real love  

Nice to see you posting again! I don't know if you remember, but HHM, you, and myself were getting their start on this site around the same time  

Yes, I remember all you, my homies! I love you all!

Onward!!!

I don't know if I'm revisiting a step 1 of unmanageability, but here goes

I hate lying to my wife and I did twice in the last few weeks, straight to her face because first time I took her phone to the bathroom and acted out and she asked what I was doing in there and I said I was checking emails. Which was 100% false. 
Damn I'm a fraud! Well, I don't want to lie to her today, she's too wonderful, and I can't stand myself when I'm dishonest, it's too sneaky. And I hate this lust and resent probably resent God for all my lust and how every day is just this ticking time bomb, and I relate to what Bill W says in his story, how he describes as the "whiskey rises to his head", that's how I feel lust is for me, it shatters through my body like a bee's string rips through its small build, and it consumes me and I'm left with nothing but these insane idea of how next to spend my time. It's crazy. But with God's help today will be okay. I just wanted to share.

I am stuck between my wife thinking I don't know any of the passwords and yet I do and I don't know what to do. Any experience on the matter?

I feel you bro. I also know all the passwords to our devices, but my wife doesn't know about my struggle and I fear that telling her would do more harm then good. Don't have any advice for you, but I can empathize. 

It's not clear to me from your post if your wife knows about your situation. If she does and is already in the loop and helping you fight this, couldn't you just tell her that you need her to change the passwords?

Yes then I need to tell her like fifteen times and then I see her put it in once accidentally and the sick game starts all over again. Personally I've found it easier when everything's open. Hmm.

Singularity wrote on 27 Apr 2020 15:05:

I relate to this. I've flitted back and forth between filtered and open. Usually after a fall I'd lean more towards the filtered camp. But in the end, open seems to work best for me. Is it perfect? No, but neither was filtered. It is highly individual. My advice would be to trust your gut and intuition. What do you think about the situation for you? Sometimes I let this battle undermine all my trust in myself and my ability to make good choices. While that was understandable, I realized that I could only improve by fully trusting myself to decide what to do, and yes probably making mistakes along the way. Sorry if that wasn't even remotely helpful, I'm really tired lol. Good luck!

Singularity, you are awesome! 



It may seem like I have more days, but you clearly know more deeply what it means to be sober. Hatzlacha on deciding what to do!

Thanks guys. Your words and help are inspiring!

Singularity wrote on 27 Apr 2020 15:05:

The chase is sometimes more exciting then the actual "prize" we seek

I am working in an OA framework as well now, and the sponsor I have is great. I am using a meal plan tool, so I write out what I can eat before the day begins, and it can even be unhealthy stuff too, just I can't eat any more than what I set out. I go to OA meetings on a sunday morning. It's a 10-second walk from my lounge to the playroom where my zoom pc is.

I feel it helps the lust too. I am connecting, being honest and accountable to someone.

I started reading from the beginning of my thread and cringed every time I posted. BH we all have the capacity to grow!!! But maybe in 5 years time I am gonna cringe at what I'm currently writing...

*future*

*reads about being fat in OA*

"...This guy serious?" *I say, as I flex my biceps and pump my abs*

it's funny I hope to have the same thoughts when I look back at my thread...

Something bothering me is that whenever I think of my past when I was single, the first thought that comes to mind is "Oh man, that was the life, I could just act out as much as I wanted and nobody really cared. Just eat and act out". I don't know if anyone can relate, looking at the past with such longing? I really have to tell myself afterwards that I am in a MUCH better place right now, wife kids responsibility purpose. And eventually I realise the longing is false. It's funny really.