then you ask your' loving and supporting wife for "help"

I help myself. To her. I admit it. What a monster.

but 70 days clean nevertheless! BH. 

not a monster just a normal person with big things to overcome
personally I feel that in these situations and with a loving wife who understands this is one situation that she can be matzle m'chet

bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 07:24:

Howbout over 20?

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:19:

No, you don't.

SheI is not your sperm collector.

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:39:

Not her job.

EspeciallyI for us fellows.

And besides, she won't be there four times a day/night.

Singularity wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:12:

Rape her.

II took an alternative route.

Don't cry. Cordnoy is answering in a very strong manner, but I think it's important to clarify what he's saying.

There's no doubt that a wife can be your "wall" and if that works for her and you, that can be beautiful. For normal people, chazal definitely say there is a concept of being with one's wife when "yitzro misgaber alav".

Also, if you're working hard and you might have a fall and this can stop you from worse consequences, I'll weigh in and say that you should allow your wife to help you, probably contrary to what most people here would say.
Absolutely not relevant to me because my wife doesn't relate to intimacy that way at all, and it would hurt our intimate life.

However, if you're an addict and it's not going to help and instead of being mechazek you, it will just allow you to indulge more, you're wife will be feeling used and you'll end up acting out tomorrow or the next day anyway, and you're looking at all sorts of stuff anyway, then what's the point? You're feeding your Lust, you're not making an effort anyway, so why do it? But if you are working hard and need a little help and want to prevent worse consequences and she doesn't mind, why not?

And I think one more thing- it's easy to confuse the concept of a woman being available and interested for her husband to "keep him safe" in this crazy world before he's been all over the map. That's a very admirable trait on her part, but not something HE should really ask for. It's HER Rambam, as they say.

But for so many of us, we have this ideal of our wives protecting us after we've become the problem. So that won't really work.

Exactly. Then what?

Singularity wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:12:

There was a point in my recovery where I felt that if that would happen, then better to allow the zera to come out (of course without any hand assistance) rather than "use" my wife. This of course would really need a psak of horoas sha'ah from a big posek. BH it never got to that. I forced myself to stay in control even when very intimate.  Now I feel I graduated to the extent that if it came to such a matzav I would explain to my wife the situation. Doing the act, although somewhat inappropriate, would not at this point undo what I have trained myself to expect of myself. Fortunately my wife is an incredible person and would be very understanding. (She put up with much much worse from me in an extremely gracious manner............)  I would make it up to my wife in some other way and do my utmost to not allow myself to get to such a point of arousal.  I don't know if this answer would be appropriate for a true addict. I am answering for those of us who are retraining ourselves from very ingrained/obsessive bad habits. 

bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:54:

Then your work on yourself.

​You stop cryin' over the situation you've been dealt and do what you can to change.

Don't lay the blame elsewhere.

That is what I did.

It was, and is tough.

It was not andI is not always rewardin', but the cherry at the end of the tunnel is not whether or not I will have sex tonight.

cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:12:

My question was theoretical. What does one do if his wife isn't never interested.  0 sex for two years, 5 years, "just because". I don't know what that's like, but it can't make for a very healthy relationship. Also I'm not an addict (at least I don't think I am), so my question may be different than what you're understanding it to be.

bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:19:

Your question may have been rhetoric, but my answer was not.

B'hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:12:

That line from Cordnoy "the cherry....is not whether or not I will have sex tonight", has to be the axiomatic guiding light for those of us who have had to retrain and refocus ourselves. So many of us were subconsciously driven by that very sour cherry. We spent hours without realizing it planning, manipulating, arranging that there be sex that night. Very well said.