Good to hear you are still sober. Less than a month since Yom Kippur and Succos.
Stay clean and get to 90!

Gotta stay strong and move ahead. Rosh Chodesh is a zman of hischadchus. Let the heartaches of the past fall away and look forward to the glorious future! Gut Chodesh everyone and have a great Shabbos!

Well, this Shabbos was pretty darn difficult. I got the closest to falling I have ever gotten to in this campaign. Too much lying on the back and letting hands and mind wander. It's really a miracle that I didn't go all the way to hotzaas zera chas veshalom. I had an emotional letdown recently that really got me depressed and I just got so drawn to my old medication that it was extremely hard to say no. I added on to my neder and am not allowing myself to even lie on my back.

I couldn't help myself and I talked with HER again. Nothing sexual to her. Just shmoozing. I have a feeling I'm going to lose and not make it to 90...

Keep it up NOYA. If I may say so, acting out is not geshmack at all. It is really awful and disgusting, not to mention stupid and infantile. I think you will agree that it is never satisfying and it is so much better not to act out. That way you can live with happiness and avoid guilt.


We are all rooting for you. THIS time you WILL make it to 90.

Thank you Blind Beggar. You are absolutely right. Those words sound so familiar... I'm feeling better overall. The weather has a big effect on my overall mood I find. Today was a gorgeous day, so I felt good, and I'm getting over whatever disappointments faced me a few a days ago. Things are turning around and good things are coming into my life again. I haven't technically acted out, so I guess I'm technically still on the chart, although I violated my personal code of 90 days falling by contacting the girlie. Since we didn't sext, I guess bedieved I'll keep on the chart, which means I only have 5 days left.

I feel good, though, and feel like the threat went away. I feel more at peace and that taivah is further away than it was. I just have to keep my head down for the next few days and hopefully I'll emerge victorious!

I don't know if I'm still okay or not. I ended up shmoozing with her again last night, and this time it got inappropriate. It wasn't classic what we used to do together, but it was inappropriate nonetheless. She asked me for details about some sexual thing, and we talked about that for a while, and we both were kind of dancing around, both wanting to really sext, but not quite getting there. It was a lot of nivul peh, speaking about inappropriate things without actually getting personal. We were kind of starting to act something out together, and she was starting to play along, but then my roommate saved the day by coming in.

Not sure what that counts as. I didn't get that aroused from it, and I wasn't motzi zera from it either, but I'm not sure if that counts as a true fall or not. I'm just upset about doing something like that. Now I just feel hurt and stupid, and I wanted to stop beating around the bush and actually act out. I know that I'll only feel much worse if I do that, though. I don't know what to do...

Dear Noya,

Sounds like you need to get off this slippery slope.

Keep in mind what someone who I respect a great deal once said about falling: "It wasn't geshmack at all. It was awful. It was disgusting. It was stupid and infantile. It wasn't satisfying ... it's so much better not acting out, and living in happiness without guilt." 

Sounds like a slip to me, but if you slip too much.................

NOYA, we are all standing behind you.


We are cheering you on!!!

Go, NOYA, Go ! ! !                  Go, NOYA, Go ! ! !                  Go, NOYA, Go ! ! !                  Go, NOYA, Go ! ! !                 

Hey Noya!

How are you today?

I am doing okay I guess. I feel like I'm white-knuckling a lot. I feel like I'm just waiting for 90 days to end so I can go crazy again. It's hard to let go. What happened to my menuchas hanefesh I had about a week ago? Is it because I'm resenting not being able to learn so much this week? I'm not sure, but I'm definitely lusting a lot. I want to do bad things. I want to fool around with girls.

It's not what I really want though. I really want love and intimacy, not just a fling. Right now I think I just want a fling, though, so it's hard to figure myself out now. G-d, give me strength. Show me the way. I give up control of my life to you. Help me to focus on other things and to forget about these taivos!

NOYA wrote on 02 Nov 2011 13:53:

That's the downside of the 90 day chart .

Just remember, it's not over when you reach 90, it's just a checkpoint on the road to a lifetime of Kedusha.

So keep on trucking, and watch out for those icy patches!

Gevura!

Hi NOYA, I had no idea that this whole post even existed. It's amazing. I just wanted to give you my support, and repeat what Guard said to you two years ago on this very post (page 1)

guardureyes wrote on 16 Nov 2009 12:08:

I think that this is a very powerful statement. The yetzer makes us go so crazy when we get past a certain point and tells us that it will always be this way, and we may as well give in. HE IS WRONG! This stuff will go away, I have seen that in myself from when I have been sucessful in the past. Just keep doing what you have been doing, and just ignore that yetzers nonsense. It won't always feel like it does.
NebulaMud

Well, here we are, Day 90. I woke up with huge taivos, and I was thinking about them basically until shmoneh esrai. Then I asked Hashem to help me and I told Him I was letting go of the taivos. You can have them. I felt a lot better after that. I still feel them in me somewhere but they went away from being strong today to just being in the back of my mind.

I'm not feeling the tremendous kedusha and inspiration I was hoping for today, but we'll see what happens I guess. If I mess up today that would be really embarrassing. Wish me luck!