Shlomo24 wrote:
wantoimprove wrote:
Thanks, guys, for the chizuk and well wishes. I considered myself as having a low-grade problem with soft porn, mb, and gazing my eyes all over the place out in the world. After a couple of days of reading on this GYE site I can admit that I have an addiction problem. I am an addict!
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/sad.png)
It's scary to say that, but I know that long periods of abstinence does not mean I am not. I want to do something about it. Someone reached out to me to become my partner. Thing is, I think he's also under the 90 day mark. Do you think that our learning Rabbi Zvi Miller's book Windows of the Soul together would be helpful and appropriate? I share a lot with my wife, but she doesn't know about the porn. I'm scared to tell her.
wow wow wow that's a lot of content in one post.
1) how do you know you're an addict, what is your thought process that led you to believe that?
2) a partner is not a sponsor. a partner is a "friend" who wants to go through it with you. it would make sense that he is under the 90 day mark.
3) windows of the soul may be helpful and it may not. i wouldn't place too much hopes on it if you're actually an addict but it may be helpful for others.
4) the SA tradition (and for good reason) is not to tell family, spouses etc. all in one shot. i don't know ur matziv so i don't really have much input. one thing i can say is if telling her will do her more harm then it will help you it's definitely not recommended. in general if disclosure is going to be harmful i think it's not recommended unless necessary.
hope this helps.
About telling your spouse- I want to jump in with a slightly different take. Part of the addiction problem is the isolation and living in the shadows, as well as feeling like a hypocrite because you have these deep dark secrets you would never want anyone to know.
Of course, I do t think there is anyone who says you should tell your wife blow by blow what you look at, when, etc. BUT- if you are looking to get out of the shadows and not feel like you are sneaking around or living a double life, which I personally find is TERRIBLE for sobriety, then perhaps consider telling her at some point.
I would suggest that perhaps after having some serious sobriety under you, and also perhaps after having reached out to someone professional who can help you be honest in a non-specific way with her, that maybe you give it a thought. Talking from my own personal experience, (can't do much more than that) after the pain of disclosure you can actually build a much better relationship.
On the other hand, if you just slip with porn a few times a year, then perhaps masturbation is the issue that you would share with her and maybe you would leave porn out of it.
In short, I'm not disagreeing and saying that there is a need to say something now. I'm saying oh might want to work towards it.