as i saw the email today about soemeone dating that was an addict i was wondering if there is more stuff i could read about it??

i also had a question about it: should one wait at leat 90 days before getting into shidduchim or it shouldnt stop him? what are you thinking about it guys?

i love this website i started getting involved more and i see results its amaizing!!

Hi lamplighter
I dont know if you should wait till your sober but one thing i could tell you is this: Make it you top priority to be sober from now on. It will ruin your marriege if you are watching porn. I had big issues bc of it and i dont even know if it is fixed yet. So now is the time. Get a hold of yourself and quit the whole thing, porn, masturbation, the works.....
It should be behatzlocho!!

90 days is not magic. I was sober 90 days more than once only to fall again, and worse than before. I'm sure many more here can attest to that as well.

Focus on recovery for now, be patient, everything else will fall (oops, poor word choice ). into place.

isn't 90 days a big turn?

i definitely made it as a top priority!

was anyone in the same case and got married? i often heard that those things are getting worse after marriage so does it mean you shouldnt get marrried unless you get rid of it?

is the addiction suposed to change your standards regarding shiduchim?

i might not be clear enough about it i'm having some doubts about how to consider the subject basically...

Yes 90 days is a big turn.

But as you will go through the chart, you can see many that were clean for 100s days, and then fell. So that's what Gibor was referring to that i is not magic.

In terms of your Question if you should get married before you are healed? I personally do not have any advice or experience on that. However I recall that one of our friends here known as 9494 posted here that one should not date until he is sober.

take it or leave it

Any way you choose I wish you much Hatzlacha on your 90 day trail, and in finding your Bashert Shiduch.

To tell somone not to get married yet is a big achraiyus and this decision should not be taken lightly. Do you have a mentor who knows you well that you can ask.
But i can say that I WISH id had been sober when i got married a short while ago. It made my intimate life dysfunctional. But it is also what woke me up to say enough is enough and although i have had a fall since ive made this decision, it has been much better though.
much success! !

Definitely get advice from someone who you can trust. That person should be someone who knows your an addict. It took me finding a wife to get started on help & i have a long way to go. But we have a rav who we trust & he guides us completely. May you find success & happiness. Hatzlocha

recover wrote:


How do you know he is an addict?

Hi lamplighter
I have heard from R' Twersky that an addict should be 1 year sober before getting married.
But are you really an addict?
I wish you Hatzluche

doingtshuva wrote:


He said that to you?
Is this in print?

i saw already a few asking me whether i was an addict or not.

how can i know that??

i tried to stop many times but i couldnt i have been acting out for like ten years already...

i guess i am...

cordnoy wrote:


Here is a quote from the Dr.. He doesn't specify a time:
guardyoureyes.com/articles/rabbi-twerski/item/dating-as-an-adict

he says that it should be "under control"

how and when do you know when its under control?

cordnoy wrote:


No, he did not say it to me!
I have heard it on one of Duvid Chaims recordings.

I'll look it up just to be sure.

lamplighter wrote:
Let's first worry about getting to the point where we are not sure if it is "under control" or not. We are getting a bit ahead of ourselves here.