Note to moderator(s): Please refile this in a different category if I picked the wrong one. Thanks.

So, ..., I'm clean again. 3 days. When I say that, I go back and forth. Is that an eternity, or the blink of an eye? I guess it depends on what I'm doing at the moment. If I'm going about the normal parts of my day, it's a blink. When I compare it to the nisyonos in Tanach (think Avrohom Avinu teaching monotheism for decades before he receives prophecy), it's a blink. When I think about a life of 120 years (please G-d), it's a blink.

But when I'm bored and my mind wanders and there are thirty other things I could/should be doing, 3 days is an eternity! When I don't know how I'll make it past the next 5 minutes, I can't imagine how I made it 3 whole days?! Never mind the 18 hours and 21 minutes that I'm past in my 4th day!?!

I decided to start a 90-day-journey post about 5 minutes ago because I had a relatively minor attack of desire to act out. I had wandered away from GYE and was trying to figure out what to make the kids for dinner (their dinner time was over 30 minutes ago, but they're happy). I know the right thing is to go make something. Anything. And feed my children. Maybe fold some laundry and earn some sholom bayis points in the process. But I was still sitting at the table with the laptop open, so my mind started to think about things I would have done 4 days ago in this same situation. I had a momentary lapse where I figuratively threw my hands up and said, "so what! I'll go on that part of the Internet and start over tomorrow." Or next week... Or next month... Or Rosh Hashanah... Or never...

I cannot allow myself to fail. I have destroyed my neshomoh far too much already. I have so much teshuvah to make. Fortunately, I know that if I'm sincere, the Holy One will welcome me back with open arms. But I first have to stop! Every time I successfully stop myself, 3 days is an unbelievable eternity, but right before I commit to stopping myself, 3 days is a blink. And we blink a lot! Some people estimate we blink over 15,000 times a day. What's so special about a blink? I am at a point in the spiral where the decision to act out or to not act out can be made in a fraction of a second. Perhaps only a third of a second. Interestingly enough, that's how long it takes to blink. So, in the blink of an eye, I can make the right decision and move one moment closer to my goal. Or I can make the wrong decision obliterate my eternity. The duality is stark and scary.

So, at the end of it all, a blink, an eternity, they're really the same thing. And I'm still 3 days clean (plus 18 hours and 38 minutes now). That's a lot of blinks! That's a lot of eternity!

Hello, mattlanta!

In my experience, it gets easier. I signed up for the 90-day chart in April, had a number of falls, but since early June it's been consistent. I wrote elsewhere that I used to dread days that my office mate was out of the office. It was almost a given that I would succumb.

But after getting some training wheels, I've been able to hold back, even when my office mate was out for a week.

Hang in there!! Work through the more challenging early days, and it should get easier.

Day 4 has come and gone! On to day 5. Today seems to be going more easily than other day 5's have gone in the past. Still, I'm home alone with a computer in the house and a lot of work to do before Shabbos. In the past, this was prime acting out opportunity, but I'm going to focus so I can get Shabbos ready with time to spare.

Wish me luck!

Keep busy and have a great Shabbos!!!

mattlanta wrote:


I'm not sure if it has been said in a while but you're much better off looking at them all as another "day 1."

Bhatzlachah

Thanks Cordnoy. I hadn't heard that before but it makes a lot of sense. Tonight was strangely difficult. Usually I get such chizuk from Shabbos that it carries over until Sundays. For whatever reason, tonight I got into bed and I had a thought to act out. I remembered what you wrote and remembered that tonight was just like a day 1. I wanted a strong yesod, so I restrained my taavah B"H!!! Anyways, here's to closing the books on day 1, version 5!


In another line completely, what do KOP and KOTM mean??

I agree with Cordony. I think you're way too focused on the big picture. Worry about getting through the day; that's your job right now (and that's all our jobs right now too, even the vets with years of sobriety racked up).

Also, letting go and letting G-d really helps getting rid of that nagging 90-Day progress ticker we're always thinking about. If you're counting down minutes of progress, you're still hyper-focused on the subject, which implies a need for control. And control usually precipitates acting out, strange as it seems.

mattlanta wrote:


KOP - Keep On Postin'
KOMT - Keep On Monstah Truckin'

KOTM - ?
KOTM - Keep On Truckin' Mama!
KOTM - Keep on Monstah Truckin'.......as in DNA - National Dyslexic Association

Thanks for the glossary! I was up all night tonight which usually is a guaranteed recipe for acting out. I restrained again tonight with H's merciful assistance. But I came to a bit of an epiphany about my triggers. I've been wondering for the longest time what allows my YH to win. BH, I'm not attracted to other women. I don't get lustful when I'm out on the streets. It seems to be more a function of stam boredom. So, tonight, instead of doing things that would have been difficult to stop, I got up and did all the dishes from Shabbos. I also took out the trash and did a few other things around the house. This has the added benefit of shalom bayis.

I had to be at work at 6:15 this morning, so I came in at 4:15 since I was up. While here, I noticed a poll about what worries you or triggers you. It seems that most people are triggered by people whereas I'm triggered by abject boredom. Am I alone? Are there others who have this issue? Are the strategies different for dealing with the urges?

I really suspect I'm not alone, but I could really use the validation, if nothing else.

In the meantime, I'm gonna keep on trucking

mattlanta wrote:


G-D has no limit in the love he has for his children even when someone sins.
the fact that we came to such a situation is a proove that the oybershter wanted it to happen and watever we do (obviously after we did it we should think of it that) G-D is still going to love us with no condition.

G-D is already welcoming you with his open arms!

keep it up and make god a reality in your life!

mattlanta wrote:


Boredom can be a trigger, but some may say that if that's your main one, it is easier to control.

Did you like that poll?

Bhatzlachah

I did like the poll, but it made me feel a little isolated. The option for the mouse click was such a minority compared to walking the streets. I completely believe that taavah for a person is much more serious and may be harder to quit, but my taavah seems so mild in comparison that it might be easier to excuse or justify. I really don't want to let myself fall into that trap. Also, the aveirah is much milder (at least the oinesh is) for being motzi z"l as opposed to eishes ish. Then again, the need to stop is just as real!

I dunno. Just rambling. I just need to take it moment by moment. The more I dwell, the more a part of me the taavah is. I guess I just need the siyata dishmaya to let go and let G-d. It's so difficult.

Hear you. ...
They might all be an offshoot of one.

Stay strong.

Post on other threads as well.

Bhatzlachah

Boredom is a biggie. It's painful to be bored (and perhaps feel alone as well?). Acting out is great at numbing the pain... then increasing it .

So true! 7 days down, and the pain is noticeably numbed down. The trick for me is getting past weeks 2 and 3. They seemed to be the hardest in the past