Hi mates ...

I just have a fall after 70 days...I feel awful, I was making lots of progress, then out of the white boom! I fail ...maybe I got too much comfortable, I don't know...
The problem is I am currently leading a recovery group, and I don't know what I'm gonna do now. I feel really embarased to tell them i failed aaahhh I just wanna overcome this once and for all...
I'm starting all over again, no matter what, I'm not letting this put me down, I just feel stupid...

so keep fighting guys, never give up

aaron73 wrote:


Maybe you can model for other people the behavior of picking yourself up and getting back on track. When the same happens to them they'll feel that it's okay because it happened even to the leader.

What kind of group?

Thank you for your share and your honesty. Hopefully you will only use this as an opportunity to grow. If you want to click on my thread below, you can read about how I dealt with my slip. I don't like the word fall.

hwhap@gmx.com : That sounds great mate, I'm gonna try it

cordnoy: I'm leading a kind of self-help group for teens struggling with this lust problems (I felt like I could help others, I still feel it, it helps me a lot in my own recovery)

serenity: THanks mate, I read you thread, it was really helpful. I don't like the word fall either, but mine was a big fall, so it deserves to be called that way :/

Cheers.

What hwhap said was a big part of my motivation. I'm not saying that it's good or not, but it has it's place in early recovery. Another way to look at it is, maybe it's Hashem's Will for you to be the example to people of how to get up and succeed after a fall and there is success after a fall.

"Fall" is the word prescribed here for an act requiring a 90 chart reset. I use it as well, I just don't like it. Part of the reason I don't like is because I picture people thinking that all their growth until then is lost. Either there was growth or their wasn't. If someone was just white knuckling the whole time and had no spiritual growth, can he really say he fell? If he never even climbed, did he fall? Someone who has grown spiritually, but had a slip or or a setback, can now build on his prior growth. Who among us is perfect. The other issue with the word fall is as Dov pointed out on his call last week. The word tends to obfuscate, cover up and perhaps minimize the shame and truth of what actually happened. I can say I fell yesterday or I can say I went behind my wife's back, breached her trust, spent sever hours online hiding from my wife and kids and acted out. Then the next morning I shushed someone in davening and lead a chabura and pretended to be something I'm not. When you say "mine was a big fall, so it deserves to be called that way" that is better as is places some context to the word and lets us know you are ashamed. Btw, due to the open nature of this site, albeit anonymous, one may not want to give too many details here, but there should be a venue that you can do that. But people can say more than, "I fell".

aaron73 wrote:


I'm no expert, but imho, either tell 'em, or close it down!
Recovery is based upon honesty.

b'hatzlachah

First of all, Kol HaKavod for all of your amazing achievements thus far, AND, for all of the amazing achievements that I am sure will come. You're profoundly capable of sobriety, and you have to keep reminding yourself that. There are many people here, myself included, who look at 70 days as a insurmountable summit, and you've done it!

I agree with Cordnoy, of course, that honesty is the basis of recovery. If you're not upfront, you're undermining the whole process, and there's really no point at all at even attending the meeting as a member, let alone as a leader.

However, I don't think that's the main point of your question. It seems like you're asking not so much about IF you should tell them, but rather, HOW you should tell them. I really think everybody in the group would be inspired, awe-struck, even, if their group leader announced that he had fallen. I know I would be. It would illustrate the level of self effacement necessary to really uproot the effects of addiction. Personally, I would feel better about my recovery. We have to be careful not to sell ourselves as super-human, to newly recovering addicts, veterans, and most importantly, to ourselves. The second we think we're invincible to addiction is the second we fail, for real.

So just start the meeting with, "I fell." Then tell them your current clean count. I would be as matter of fact about it as possible, and as honest as you could be. I'm not sure of the meeting's usual tone, but being upfront is the best choice. That's my vote.

Hi Aaron,
I feel so sad for you. I am also very scared that something will come out of the blue and destroy me. Can you tell me what led to your fall? Was there anything you were doing in the 70 days that helped you that you slacked off on?
I ask only because I am so afraid and want to hear what others fell to avoid any setbacks.
I appreciate your help.

Hi! Thanks everyone for your answers, it is really helpful in this kind of new begining im in right now...

Serenity: Because of the shame and darkness that tries to surround us after a fall I wasn't seeing the whole picture, But now after a few days I can see and feel and live all the change that Hashem has made on me (I was gonna write "I've made" but I realize that I've learned a bit what is to surrender). Before this 70 days I was unable to make it through a week, 2 weeks maximum, but now I feel like diferent, like there was a change in my essense, something like a spiritual awakening. I don't feel empty as before...I feel like, I wanna surrender more than before, so you're right on what you said...I'm making good progress

Cordnoy: Yes mate, I'm willing to be honest, so I'll tell them

TalmidChaim: Thanks mate, your words are really helpful...As I said to Serenity before, inspite the fall, Hashem changed me a lot through this 70 days, and one of those changes is about honesty...I'm not willing to hide anymore things...I just don't know how to tell them, but I'm asking for Hashem's help
I hope you can make it through pal, maybe now you see 70 days as something imposible, but I know you'll be able to do it, and even more than that

pischoshelmachat: I'm not scared anymore mate, and you should not be either. As addicts we cannot get comfortable where we are. Because comfortable means you let your guard down, and a fall is something imminent, that's what happened to me...so, always look for uncomfortable, making fences everyday, one day at the time, keeping the principles we learn, but being new people every day...Is kind of hard to explain... You have to live every day as it is, not just be on "automatic" not just trying to accumulate days, but make every day count, that's the way fear goes away
I hope it makes sense to you

Thank you for sharing. You brought tears to my eyes. Hatzlacha!