Hi Everyone,

I'll try to be short with my story so as not to scare people away for reading it. It started when I was probably 7 or 8 I recall acting out before even reaching puberty, I somehow just came across it. Obviously nothing would come out, but it still gave me some sensation. Then at about 13 I reached puberty and it wasn't as simple to act out..it involved wetting my underwear. That was strange for me. At around that time I began going online and finding pictures of nude women and more or less have been hooked ever since. Without wanting to get too graphic, the content I'm drawn to is not what you would call 'hardcore' that stuff I still can't get myself to watch (thank g-d). My habit (addiction?) has always been 'soft porn' just images and videos of naked women without any intercourse.

I have gone through many stages in the best 10 years, there has been a time in Yeshiva where I abstained for over 6 months and there have been other periods where I did rather well. I found that being involved in my learning has helped me distance myself from this. But overall, this has been something I have carried with me since a very young age and something I have always been struggling with. I have no illusions I know everyone here has the same struggles, I'm just sharing my story.

A few months ago I got married, for better or worse I didn't tell my wife about any of this. The main reason being since I spoke to someone who 'evaluated' me to be a non-addict so I felt that a bad habit is something very common and I spoke with others who felt it's not something I need to discuss.

I never thought that marriage would 'solve all my problems' and I was aware that it's something that I would need to still work on. However, lately not only has it not been controlled, its actually gotten much worse and more often. Married life is great and my wife is wonderful. I don't believe it's coming from a void there. It's just my head always thinking lustful thoughts. Finally, after today having acting out I decided that I need to do something and reach out for help. I can't start the 90-day program since it appears that in order to start you need to be 2 days clean? someone correct me if I'm wrong but it seems like you need to have at least one clean day to start so I guess I'll need to wait until after Shabbos.

Another dilemma I have is my wife's laptop, which has no password and is my go-to place when I'm lusting. As for my own smartphone and laptop, I have installed filters and accountability software which B"H had been working great, the problem is my wife's laptop - how do I tell her to set a password without letting her in on this. I'm sure some of you will say 'it's about time you fill in your wife about your struggles' but I, for obvious reasons am very hesitant and not at a point where I'm willing to 'come clean' with her, especially since we're newly wed. I'll have to come up with some reason for her to set a password, maybe for security.

Anyway this is the beginning of my journey and I hope and pray that it will be a successful one, thus my username,

Faithful

Welcome! Great fresh honesty there. If you've read through the forums, you'll know we all have one lust issue or another.
If you have an issue, an you plan on using your wife's computer without a filter, the odds are stacked against the possibility of her nit discovering your issue.
Simple solution is to tell her that you heard a rov say how important it is to filter all your devices yada yada yada. If you can get a rov or mentor to be your accountability partner, great. If not, PM me and I will try to help you out.
Keep in touch,
Moish

Welcome

Ditto to Moish

b'hatzlachah

Thanks for the response Bigmoish,

I will try to have this taken care of and I will report back once this issue is taken care of. I feel this is something I need to solve first before starting anything else. I will ask her to set a password on the computer, one that I don't know and that computer will then simply be off limits to me.

faithful wrote:


I certainly hope there's no rule that a sex addict is not allowed to get married anyway ...




In my experience visiting your wife makes you have more such thoughts, not less. If I were you I would consider looking at my wife's body like looking at the pictures on the web, just until you get a handle on this problem. You don't need to look at her to absolve your obligation.

hwhap@gmx.com wrote:


Don't forget that posters are anonymous and all advice taken or not-taken should bear that in mind.

faithful wrote:

My personal experience with my wife being the only separation between me and porn was a failure. She (as many women, I suspect) just didn't understand the male desire for sex and porn, and I'm not even talking about sex addicts. Invariably, the password would be something stupidly easy, and then how do I explain it to her? "Oh, honey, could you change the password again? I hacked into your laptop so I could view other women in various states of undress."
Not so easy.
In the end, like most guys with a real problem, I got busted anyway, so now she changes the passwords regularly.
But why let it come to that?

Welcome Faithful,
Take it from me who is still suffering terribly from being discovered. Had I asked my wife to take my password 2 years ago, it would have been very uncomfortable. When she caught me, it became hell and now she holds my password anyways.
I asked her what she would have thought had I asked her to hold my password 2 years ago. She would have been a bit concerned but in the end she would feel that I am ehrlich.
Now, I can never turn back the clock so she is plagued by worry about the things I may not have admitted to her once she caught me.
If I could turn back the clock, I would do it (ask her to hold my password) in a heartbeat.
Just my feelings.
Regardless, we welcome you here and feel for you here and really care to work together and survive and even flourish not in spite of our nisayon but because of our nisayon.

Welcome to GYE and thank you for sharing your experience. Please see the newcomer links in my signature below which are recommended by Guard.

For me. I wouldn't worry too much about whether I'm an addict or not. I just try to take suggestions (not necessarily advice) from people who have obtained sobriety and to the next right thing. Theories are worthless to me, action is what works for me.

Hatzlacha!

Thanks for the responses.

I asked her to set a good password that I wouldn't guess and she did, so I think I should be fine. She understands to a degree why I'm asking her for this, I told her that I have accountably software on my laptop, but since she has none I didn't want it to be accessible to me.

Bigmoish and Pischo, do you think that's good enough? I want to hear your opinions since you both obviously have experience in this area.

Faithful,
Well done for your efforts. I really mean it. Keep up those efforts.
I just wanted to tell you to reread pischo's post above - because it's so salutary. He was in a much better position when the inevitable happened and his wife caught him - because she knew he'd been making efforts in this area.
Do act on the advice given in the posts above because it's a small and worthwhile price. And as has been suggested it can be done without telling her you're addicted to porn.

I really can't tell you what's good enough for you. The best I can do is share my experience.
As it stands, my wife's phone is filtered, with accountability software, PLUS, she changes the password often. She knows by now that I simply cant be trusted.

Great thread and welcome to faithful!

Thanks for sharing your story. As you know we all share the same story. It is Just with different name, but all the same.

It most probably took much courage from you to come here, and even more to ask your wife to put a password. i congratulate you for coming here at this (early) stage in the challenge. As I say that I wish I was here at your age.

I want to share my experience in terms of involving my wife. I had spoken with my wife throughout the years about my desires. I have not been clear where i am. But i was sure that since she is smart she will learn that 1+1+2, and she will help me. Years ago she even found out that i chatted on sex-lines with women. However I am convinced she forgot that and she never relates to this. Neither do I feel that she is worried and concerned about me. She lately found out about one of my emails that i use and she wasn't aware about (nothing bad that i was using this email acount, mainly for GYE daily emails). she was very upset that i was hiding things from her. She asked me about the GYE emails, which i said that I signed up just for chizuk in shmiras einayim. She had so many opportunities to get me busted and she didn't.

What i am trying to say that many wives like their husbam\nd and will never see negativity in them. Although they should have figured this out so many times, she wont get it yntil I will tell her clear and open, listen I am struggling on this and this.

Therefore if your wife's laptop is an issue make sure it is protected and filtered properly. I filter my wifes phone. The reason that I give her is very simple. The rabonim require us to have it.

I think there is a good chance your wife knows much more than you think she does.

I love it. You are safer and that is worth everything.