I began the 90 day journey psyched with enough enthusiasm to burst 15 days later i'm back at the first step.

When i joined a few weeks ago, i went "all in", drank the cool aid, read forums, chatting one on one, got filters on my pc and phone. But my lust encouraged me to test the filters, see what they won't protect and block. While it really does a great job, all i needed was a excuse of a trigger to set me off. Started the battle before second days of yom tov, and this morning isru chag i succumb to my wounds. I am still battling to overcome unraveling, G-D help! I hope i make it longer on my next rodeo, than i did this go. Quite a disappointing effort for me, the results make me question my efforts to start again.

Glad to hear from you. My experience is that I only ever have today and that's it. I can't think of how many days I've had until now and how many days I want to have or that I'm going to have. In my experience the only reason I cared about accumulation of days was because of my ego and the validation I was seeking. In reality the most I can hope for is a daily reprieve from lusting given by Hashem.

Pesach may have an interesting lesson that can help understand some of the reasons for slips in recovery. Look at the person who is always craving chometz until he's ready to burst. He runs to the pizza shop after Pesach to get some chometz as soon as he can. Then there's the person who just accepts the fact that it's Pesach time and chometz isn't on the menu. His life goes on and he lives in the moment.

Lust isn't on our menu. We can't tolerate it and that's it. We need to accept that and Live in the moment!

Hatzlacha!

I hear ya loud and clear. Which person who is on this forum hasn't felt that feeling? We forget that although sobriety is certainly within our reach it is only so awesome because of the fact it is "so challenging". However, if you follow the advice of those on the forum, and work through a program one day at a time, with the caring support of your friends at GYE you will succeed.
Believe in this proven path of success. Dive right in, don't look back and say to yourself failure is not an option.

That is something to think about.

thank you

How many times have you stopped and started again?

[My answer to that question would be: many!]

Keep your head up! Don't think about the fall. One of the things I realized with myself over the past year is that I was dwelling too much on the past. I started realizing that I must "learn" from the past. Not live in it. My falls started becoming less and less frequent. After analyzing what caused me to fall, naturally I started being more careful. It's a process, give it time. You've taken two steps forward. Now you took one step back. It's ok. Now let's take another two steps forward.

TriggerMeNot88 wrote:


Perhaps provide an example.
What was it that caused you to fall, and what did you do to prevent it from occurrin' the next time?

Thanks

I'm learning that the standards we set for ourselves are sometimes, ultimately, what leave us feeling empty and defeated. The 90-Day chart, for some, is a great source of motivation and focus, very necessary, especially in the beginning of the recovery process. However, after a while, for some people, myself included, it could become daunting, assuming the visage of an insurmountable mountain. By definition, there's no peak in sight in recovery, no summit you could reach and say, "Yes, I'm here, I've done it!" For me, this serves, simultaneously, as incentive, and disincentive. It just illustrates the importance of really focusing on taking things one day at a time, or one hour at a time, one minute at at a time, etc.

Now, don't stop using the 90-day chart, and don't stop counting, PLEASE. It might be the crucial tool that pushes you past some biochemical/emotion threshold and allows you to see things with clarity. However, if your focus is centered on the length of the journey, then you're missing the point. You're changing your entire orientation toward lust, your fundamental reality.

Does this make sense? The last thing I want is to make someone give up counting and pushing, if that's what it takes. But I've learned that hyper-focusing on things like progress, and even setting long-term goals, have made me nervous, unhinged, and pessimistic. I've been doing a lot better viewing this as just a day by day change.

However, if your focus is centered on the length of the journey, then you're missing the point. You're changing your entire orientation toward lust, your fundamental reality.

The above quote is very helpful. Surely we don't want our focus to be long range. the main effort needs to be day by day. challene by challenge. However, in the backroom of our minds wishing for long term sobriety I believe is healthy and productive. Why should one not learn the entire Mesilas Yesharim and wish to be a Tzadik? Even though he is still working on the fundamentals of the fist perek. Doesn't the kid aspiring to be a basketball star learn about Jordan and Lebron - and then go on the court and focus on his basic dribbling?
By all means take it day by day therein lies your bread and butter - but every so often take a peak over your shoulder and see your accumulated days and revel in your success.
Yearn to be a winner. learn to be comfortable in your new found skin- savor the feelings of the freedom of sobriety

Sounds good for a regular person, I guess. For an addict like me, all I can hope for is that Hashem shows me His Will for today and gives me the ability to carry it out. The second that self will is inserted in the equation, failure is certain.

serenity wrote:

[quote="cordnoy" post=252125][quote=

Perhaps provide an example.
What was it that caused you to fall, and what did you do to prevent it from occurrin' the next time?

Thanks[/quote]
Sure!
First of all I realized that 2nd looks are fatal. For me they were a one shot kill. Extremely vigilant Shmiras einayim is a must for me.
Secondly I realized that I couldn't trust myself around a unfiltered computer for nothin. Not even to check the weather. Nothing. I saw that I always got slowly dragged in just from being on a computer.
Knowing the threshold of what got me triggered and not trusting myself, helped keep me a lot more aware of what to be careful of.
Hope this helps some people.

I understand

We all must find what works for us

But don't misunderstand me I am constantly working on myself and my total reliance on Hashem - I know that G-d forbid a fall is only a click away.

I left GYE for 4 days a couple of weeks ago and had 2 slips - scared me but good

Gotta stay and work my program

Hatzlocho to all