bs''d

באתי לגני אחתי כלה
(Song of Songs 5:1)

63 days! Gematria גנ''י.

This was a motivator for me for some reason. "Heh, I could post that verse..."

Whatever works, right??
LBLD

Great work! Inspirational. Thank you!

bs''d



Status update for zayin (7+10+50). (Giving some sort of meaning to the numbers seems to help when my heart is weak. I don't understand why. Tomorrow, iy''h, I get to count "chacham" xD)

You know my username, "long breaths long days"? I've been reviewing Torah 60 in Likutei Moharan again...That's where it came from. Very interesting stuff. It's the explanation of what those stories in Sippurei Maasioth are about, what learning them achieves, and the danger involved.

G-d's using my situation to roar at me to return and focus on something closer to my essence...but I'm finding myself being an idiot and letting myself fall into illusions about what that essence is. And wasting time, and not making vessels for the things than need to happen to happen. Torah 60 teaches a gentle way back into the real world, through stories or through the song of the teruah.

So I'm trying to keep myself in the proximity of those stories, so that I'll be able to wake up when I'm ready. Apparently, I'm not, and the situation is morphing steadily from "normal" to "scary" as I ignore it. Oh, dear. xD

In a physical parallel, I was extremely tired last week and this. Often I started waking and couldn't rouse any effort at ALL towards moving...so I went back to sleep. It really seemed to mess things up.

Likewise, the stories are there, but the spiritual "power" is not. I have absolutely no idea what to do next. xD

Tati, wake me up!

May G-d sound the great shofar for the sake of our freedom, today. As apparently I'm sound asleep writing this...

L'shalom
LBLD

bs''d

Chugging along. Totally baffled by my world. Might make it; might not. G-d help us all.

L'shalom
LBLD

Mazel Tov on reaching level 7! One day at a time!

Hatzlacha!

Thanks serenity! Had a fall, but that doesn't exactly make it time lost. I pretty much...erm...caught myself off-guard?

Anyhow, I think I know what the factors are that fed into it. Writing them for the diary was a bit surprising...(1) how many there were, not including the zero energy of last week, and (2) how stupid they were.

Next steps are...well..."stop doing what you started doing recently to waste time, and keep doing what you were doing before that." If it was working, it was working...right? I'm not sure of this.

L'shalom
LBLD

Welcome back!

For so long I didn't understand pshat on Tehillim 16:2 -- even though I thought I did. I looked at the ta'amim today and the translation and realized "I didn't understand this!"

"G-d, you are the Lord -- my good isn't 'on you'."

For some reason I always read it "atah tovati" rather than "tovati bal 'alecha"...this way make more sense, though! Thank you, Artscroll.

G-d doesn't owe us anything! It's actually a relief to read this in tehillim...

Shavua Tov. May all Israel know true joy in the coming days.

bs''d



Watch and learn.

Yesod, yesod, yesod. Stay out of isolation.

L'shalom
LBLD

bs''d

Challenges, challenges. On the scale of falls -- I debated counting this last one. But it is what it is.

I am sitting in the letter cheit right now -- it seems like there's no way up or out. I am usually too weak to reach out for help, and when I do, I'm usually too weak to say what needs to be said for someone to truthfully assess my situation.

I have no patience for those who want to go by appearances and tell me what the world does...I can't keep lieing to myself that I can handle all this mixed interaction, as I've myself seen how it leads to falls.

And slows down and mucks up my studies, and makes me want to share ideas before they're ready to be shared, and makes me act brazen where I shouldn't, and makes me jump to act "in charge", and makes me lose track of the main goals and feel miserable.

I've seen this over and over again, in varying circumstances. I am doing better than ever -- in sitting alone in my apartment and reading. Even in reading/watching devarim betelim. When I go out into mixed interactions, for a mitzva or not, I start having problems (when I come back.)

At the same time...with no kli for new money, I am going to run out of money eventually. The question is -- how to use what I have, to change this mess.

I heard someone quote the rambam the other day about an immoral society, how a person should rather isolate himself than be part of it...he said that today that "isolation" means yeshiva.

Tov rash holech betumo.