So...Last night was rough. No fall, but since making that nerve-wracking phone call no clarity of thought at all. I found myself thinking about past, about my muck-ups. Whether or not it's my escape, the lust is there; it's real, and I have acted out in ways that have affected others.

For some reason yesterday I was trying to say I don't use lust that way, because I use other things that way...while I will often read or play a game to escape life, and that's relatively OK, I shouldn't pretend that those didn't come to replace lust. Clearly pretending that has bad effects. Got past it by reminding myself that I'm working on it (it being honesty) and am not supposed to be perfect or even necessarily functional/independent yet.

I might join the phone conferences soon. Maybe as a zeroeth step listen to some old ones.

Attitude principles: Number 5: No pain, no gain. Progress involves suffering; that was coming anyway, and growth is the better way for it to happen. This one, like number 4, is difficult.

E: Just read paragraph one of sa "why stop lusting".




Aight then. Here I am.

Hmm...

Let's keep this one short.

This site is intoxicating the same way Rabbi Nachman's stuff is intoxicating. Everything said is so...simple (not easy), (<-- quoth Dov) and so important. More Torah like that, please. :D

I found myself just as afraid today as two weeks ago. I guess that's OK.

Encountered a lust trigger. Asked G-d to help me; he did. Popped up again in my thoughts later. Asked again, got answered again. Same sequence happened four or five times in the hour. All better for now.

I pray and I ask G-d to help me trust Him more than the lust; I ask him to take away the lust. It works!

I ask him to give good brochos to other people I lusted after; I also ask him to give good brochos to the people I can't seem to get along with, for whatever reason. I name specific people. Presumably this also works!

None of that helps with the fears. But at least I'm not running away from even just noticing them...fear of heaven would be nice; can I have that one too?

I for some reason started remembering all the hurtful things I've done...nothing illegal, but still upsetting. I felt pretty helpless. I guess I kind of am. I don't know what to do about these things, or where to start.

Regardless of addict stuff...certain coward. Certainly has mucked up my path in life. Surely not getting out alone. And if lust wants to hide those facts from me, then lust wants to kill me.

Got through reading the first 21 attitude principles. Those are going to take some review. Hugely inspiring stuff, though. Big book comes next (while reviewing principles).

Had a keri. Yeah that's bad, but probably better than mz''l. Remember, self: minimum expectations. Minimum is plenty. Keep up the work. Coincided with a weird dream about a popup that wouldn't close when I tried to click out of it. Thank you, filters, for preventing this nightmare from turning real.

School-related stuff's in pieces, stuck in my own head a lot, having trouble. I keep finding myself reading the AA big book or...other self-help-ish stuff, when reality is there's work to do.

Pretty sure I'm helpless. Step one, yay! Big Book says it nicely...I just sort of get caught up in things and forget pretty much anything I hold dear...not much to do about that. Better get some help.

Some lust thoughts, but I just sort of ignore them.

The AA big book is refreshing. Feels...stereotypically Litvische. Idunno.

So far so good, relatively speaking. I really like the parable of the tanker turning around in its own current (it's there somewhere in the chizuk/parables section).

I seem to be figuring it out...sort of. Figured out how to have a normal conversation, figured out how to walk upright...both were a bit weird...I won't panic if I go back into it, repeatedly.

I keep being really tired and not getting things done. Tried sleeping, didn't help. Not sure what to do next.

Computer broke thursday night...the time without was unusually productive. Well, except the whole tired thing.

I've had a few more nisyonos today and yesterday than usual. They come when I'm alone, trying to work, and having trouble.

Working on a grudge list...it's big. I didn't know I had something against so many people...I thought I liked them! Interesting...

When I passed those ninyonos in the 1st days, it gave me so much pleasure? To you feel successful?

Huh, I apparently didn't even notice those gifts as gifts. Thanks for the reminder.

Yeah, it's fantastic.

Had a rough night...midterms are coming up, and it seems like my mind wants to do anything but engage the stress and actually do the stuff there is to do. Last night I was "saved by the bell" as I was too exhausted to do anything but sleep. Today, too, I was apparently very tired, and fell asleep as things were getting rougher.

My guess is that being tired doesn't help my willpower to do work or to pass these tests...if narcolepsy is the cure, so be it. ^_^

Be careful. Taking tests is very stressful. You don't want to act out as a release of tension. Think of a good alternative. Food Snack, roaming the forum.
stay strong o young warrior!

yiraishamaim wrote:


Food snacks are helpful; showers are helpful...sleep is helpful. Cold water on hands is helpful.

Not really a very productive few days, even though there was an expectation that they would be...still clean, though.

Still clean and your not very productive?

You bet you are.

Thanks yiraishamaim...you're right, of course.

Tactics:

Food snacks are still helpful. When I feel that my hands and feet are hot, it helps to stick one or the other in cold water. (Doesn't matter which, though the feet are bigger so the effect is more dramatic, and also you can use a computer with wet feet. Alternate hand washing like we do in the morning is really nice too, though.)

There's a big popcorn tin I've been using to soak my feet...(cold tap water plus two ice cubes, one by each foot.) it's getting rusty; better replace it with a real tub.

Daily chizuk emails are helpful in slumps when I don't want to do anything else...reading is easy, and checking email is easy, whereas sometimes opening Chrome to access the GYE website to log in to post feels hard.

Transients:

A productive few days. ( )

Even so, a hard few days in terms of lust. I found myself with a lot more impure thoughts than usual. Low energy, low motivation. Didn't properly plan for Purim. Had a relatively strong awareness of the pull of some billboards and magazines sitting around campus.

I "forgot" to self-regulate with food/cold water/friends/accomplishments, and I allowed things to get worse. I was even reluctant to ask G-d for help. I allowed some thoughts to grow that I shouldn't have allowed to grow. Didn't fall, read the daily chizuk emails...forgot about most of the other stuff, though. But, well, here I am again.

I talked with a long-time friend, and resolved to learn some sort of craft this summer (e.g. metalworking. Will seek parents' approval.) Those two things together helped a lot.

To the point where I even got some schoolwork done.

31 days! Here comes 32!

L'Chaim B'Hatzlacha!

A Freilechen Purim

Good things coming...

LongBLdays you are keeping yourself busy and very active doing good stuff , no time even for a bad thought to enter , that is remarkable !! KOMT !!

chabad.org's thought of the day says, among other things: "Joy breaks through all barriers." I am excited about what the future holds, and am in a state where I am in danger of taking on more things than I can handle in the next slump.

I should be careful not to do anything that will lose me the support of people who care for me...e.g. my parents aren't so hot about my plan to learn welding this summer, then do it a lot.

("GET A JOB!" We agree in principle ... )

This morning is unique in that I see a lot of ways that I can facilitate my life to improve right now, from where I sit. But I need to be careful to set modest goals, and not too many at a time, and not to hold myself to all that is possible, because each thing is truly long-term.

I had another night event this morning...A reminder that I've been free from a certain aveira for over a month. Progress is progress is progress. :D

Good Shabbos to all
L'Chaim B'Hatzlacha

Had what I think was a fall. Not sure why I never blocked youtube...youtube has now been blocked.