A little more on being stuck at home with the virus:

One of the simple problems is not being able to be busy, so the forced 'empty time' can be a real danger. The main thing that's keeping me ok though is just the thought that if I act out, I'll feel terrible about myself, how its just not worth it.

I did a lot of talking to Gd last night when I couldn't sleep, and I was very inspired.

But then today, I had to start again, re-accept my situation, go through the whole process of getting positive, thinking instead of acting out etc etc etc.

We really have to accept how we may have to keep starting again, every day, staying clean is an active, constant, work in progress.

Much love and blessing to all

Here is a copy of an email I sent someone: I found it helpful, let me know if you do too!

Dearest friend

First of all, I must introduce the following idea:

Sometimes when we look for answers, we're already looking in the wrong place. How do I mean? Because sometimes when we're 'trying to understand', we are actually simply trying to run away from the reality of whatever it is we are questioning. This may not make sense on the surface, but this is something us humans do. On the other hand however, when we are fully and completely embracing a pain, or a problem, and not resisting it anymore, especially on an emotional level, the answers will often come to us very easily!

That being said, I did hear in the tone of what you wrote that you do earnestly want answers. That wanting I believe comes from your will to have the pain end, and I deeply sympathies with that. And if having more understanding would ease your pain, it would be my honor and privilege to be a part of that. I know that for me, and many others, having my pain to be meaningful is a great comfort for me, perhaps you are the same (which would make you a meaningful person, someone who values meaning).

So: 'Pain and Suffering'. There is a well known principle in Jewish Thought which says that anything I achieve easily, is worth very little. Why is that? why does it have to be with pain? Because pain is the sign that something within us is resisting. Something in us doesn't want that. Sounds very simple so far but hear me out.

Our hearts and bodies, being in this world, and under the influence of non-Torah ideology, have been taught that discipline, and all other good qualities, are very fine to have, as long as you're not humbling yourself to GD. Meaning, some popular thought today is very praising of working hard, giving rights to individuals etc, but they use all that to further what? 'The pursuit of happiness' which essentially means "Materialism'. Now, when we feel emotional pain in trying to keep a Mitzvah, that can be a sign (if the Mitzvah is being done correctly, that is, with real connection to GD) that our hearts are being taught something true! That we are actually changing into better people on the most fundamental level! And there is nothing better than changing, on a real level, into a better person. There is nothing more joyous, nor refreshing. When you change, your entire world is new.

Please let me know what you think,

Of course there are (at least) hundreds of thousands of other true ways of explaining this.. We hope to have the privilege of understanding more as we go...

Much Love

Note, the above was a response to the question of why do we need pain

Also please note, there are other types of internal pain that are, sadly enough, not signs of growth necessarily..

going well, feeling calm, joyful, appreciative.

day by day, the only way

Just wanted to thank you for posting and sharing with us your thoughts, your struggles, your achievements, etc.

It really makes GYE all that much more effective when people share their real time struggles.

Thanks and keep it up!!!

ditto

I really needed to hear that.. i'm still going but its really hard, things at home have been really really stressful, haven't been sleeping well..

Actually, since I started this program and really committed more than ever to be free of lust, tons of stuff has gone wrong, yes wrong in my life, and this reminds me of something I saw from Reb Nachman, that when one sincerely tries to reach a new level, Hashem sends tests specifically then, to purify that person so he will be worthy of that next level.

I also feel Hashem is purifying me before Elul, so I can have a real Aliyah, and come to the High Holy Days super clean spiritually.

So I'm basically trying to take a positive view and not get down, I'm seeing these difficulties as a sign that Hashem very much values and loves me as it says 'He who Gd loves, He chastises'.

Much Love you sweet wonderful people

Positive thinkin' is real good...keep it up!

have you noticed what specific issues bring about the desires and lust?
What tools do you use to prevent, avoid or combat them?
Are you strugglin' alone, or have you opened up to anyone?

b'hatzlachah

dear sd,
it sounds like you are taking a real hit, from all kinds of things in your life, for me that is when it hits me the most,ie. the need to escape, resulting in a very hard situation.
what can I tell you? expect that tug in the desire direction, and prepare yourself ie. what steps can you actively take, in order not to be confronted by our common enemy.
davening and hoping for our success

listening and hearing...
I have certainly been feeling the added pull..
So I'm basically turning to Gd, and staying super-aware, not letting decisions go on auto-pilot, cause then it's over.
Your support is extremely helpful you guys many thanks

Much love

listenin' and hearin' and postin' are all good.
It, however, does not constitute real action.

Check out the handbook again.
See what else might be beneficial for you.
it is good to explore those methods when youre on somewhat of a high, rather than when there was a fall.

Just sayin'....it worked for me.

b'hatzlachah

'somewhat on a high' indeed! i feel like i'm dying! But still smiling.

yeah will keep reading the handbook
thanks
much love

cryptic but upbeat.

b'hatzlachah

15 Days. Miraculous. Having very hard time with other stuff in my life, so listening to Cords advice and others, taking proactive route, reading from handbook again, and started new program of limiting my time online.

Day by day, the only way.

New Zman started today. Felt amazing to see everyone and get some hardcore learning done.

I have a tendency to overdo it in Yeshiva, gonna watch out for that, stay balanced, take care of my physical and emotional health so I don't burn out which leads to all kinds of rubbish.

Much Love