Hi everyone! I know I've been a little MIA for a while. This coming Elul, it will have been a year since I originally signed up with GYE. I've gone through several stages over the year. I was very inspired last Elul, went to 91 days without a fall, then another 50-60 days or so. After a while, the initial impact of the forum, daily chizuk emails, and 90 day chart began to wear off. A few months ago I decided I needed something a bit more strong so I made a taphsic shvua. Baruch Hashem, I have kept the shvua - i.e. I fell twice I think, after doing one of my 'small knas' options, but generally the shvua had been pretty good in keeping me tahor. It is actually most of the time very freeing, it mostly takes away the yetzer hara. The problem I've had though is, again, the motivation started to wear off, and I found myself waiting anxiously for my shvua to expire (I only set it for a week or two, per GYE's recommendation), and Mr. Y'H would say - don't renew it, it's too hard for you, etc. So I wouldn't renew it, would fall, feel bad, and then renew it again. And while the shvua isn't active, I feel like the urge is even stronger than it used to be - like I have a compulsion to go and look at some pictures and m* as if I have a complete heter, since, after all, my shvua isn't in effect (which I realize is totally foolish - since the issur is there the whole time!).

I have felt recently like I need to reevaluate. I go through periods of ups and downs, so I feel like I eventually will have more falls in the future. I am afraid something worse will happen: my kids will see me doing something, someone will see something on my computer at work and I could lose my job, etc. I will feel tremendously embarassed. But b'shas ma'isah, obviously I don't consider those things, and think I can hide it.

I guess I am asking you all, do I need something more, like a therapist? Have I tried all GYE has to offer for me to do on my own, only to realize I can't do this on my own? Or are my expectations too high? Is it unreasonable to expect I never fall again? On one hand, I know I need to take things one day at a time and not worry about never ever again, but on the other hand if I can't make a serious change, am I liable to 'bottom out' much lower - and risking losing so much? My motivation to change goes up and down, and I often think about what Dov writes about, that I feel like I want both worlds - both to be well respected in the frum community, and have self-dignity, but also have my 'comfort of p* and m* when I feel I really need it! How can I really inspire myself when I still often have these feelings which seem so ingrained in me?!

Ok, I realize, lots of thoughts here - sorry about the length. At least I feel good about posting again though - I think if I do so more regularly this can be very good for me.

Welcome back again.
It is good to post and to be part of the crowd.
Have you read the handbook?
Have you spoken to anyone about your issues?
Taphsik is not the only method described on this site.
It is also somethin' that as of late, most people here avoid (that is at least what it seems to me...again...whatever works, but it doesn't seem to be workin' for you).
So, regardin' therapist, I don't know the answer to that, but it does seem that openin' up to someone who can advise you regardin' next steps would be a good place to start.

Again, welcome back.

b'hatzlachah

Welcome back!

It's important to keep out of isolation and stay connected to people who can relate to you. Whether that is through in-person meetings, phone calls, posting to this forum, or chatting on GYE, is up to you.

Keeping to ourselves allows us to make rationalizations that we later regret.

welcome back.
Have you worked on making change? It seems that you have been fighting the whole time. Have you thought about surrendering the fight? If you read some of the 12 step stuff, it talks about realizing that we can't fight this alone?
there has been a lot of talk here lately about white knuckling. It seems that working on that angle, and changing your living patterns might be a new start.
much hatzlocho on your return

Thanks, guys. Feels good to be welcomed back. The only thing I haven't really tried yet, other than therapy, is getting a phone buddy, or whatever it's called, or joining in the phone groups. I think I have made some valiant efforts this year on remaining calmer, trusting in Hashem more that things will be ok and letting go on things in the past I would have been frustrated I can't control. I've made efforts to stay busy and exercise. So I don't think I'm white-knuckling so much. But every so often I think the feeling just comes back that says - hey, you're by yourself, or whatever, wouldn't it feel good to... And the rest is history. I realize I have to be m'sameach with my accomplishments and the times I have avoided triggers this year; I think it just felt in recent weeks that I let my guard down, and it made me think more that I really can't do this alone. How does the phone buddy system work? I think that could be good for me, but I'm a bit embarrassed, lazy, etc. to start it.